


The Cave

by FiveNeedsANap



Series: Sigh No More [1]
Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Explicit Language, Female Runner Five
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:14:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 49,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28164582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiveNeedsANap/pseuds/FiveNeedsANap
Summary: Johanna Walsh is no stranger to second chances; there's no reason this one would be any different. Unless, somehow, she can find herself again.A mostly canon-compliant fic following my Five through season 1. Multiple POVs, eventual 5am, but this is very much her story. Part 1 of a series.(A quick note: my Five was originally a Walking Dead OC, so my timeline isn't canon. But let's be honest, a wonky timeline really isn't the most out-there thing ZR has thrown at us.)
Relationships: Runner Five/Sam Yao
Series: Sigh No More [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2063334
Comments: 72
Kudos: 24





	1. Prologue: Gasoline

_And all the people say, you can’t wake up, this is not a dream  
_ _You’re part of a machine, you are not a human being,  
_ _With your face all made up, living on a screen,  
_ _Low on self-esteem, so you run on gasoline_

_I think there’s a flaw in my code;_  
 _These voices won’t leave me alone.  
_ _Well, my heart is gold and my hands are cold._

[ _Gasoline – Halsey_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRHNi3QfFlE)

Did it count as day drinking if you never went to sleep the night before?

She didn’t know.

Frankly, she didn’t care.

The whiskey was the only thing keeping her senses dulled, holding back the floodgates of everything that had happened in the past month, week, 48 hours. She took another pull straight from the bottle, well past glasses at this point. Eyes unfocused, she stood staring out the back window, in the same spot she’d been standing in for hours.

She was alone.

For the first time in more than three years, she was completely alone, and it hadn’t been her decision.

Three years, three hellish, scorched-earth years, fighting the ravenous dead and infinitely more dangerous living, full of things she never thought she’d have to do, choices she never thought she’d have to make, just trying to survive, to make sure the ones she loved could survive. 

And they’d discarded her without a second thought.

Didn’t they know she was the one keeping them safe? Didn’t they understand what she’d done for them? That every horrible, heart-wrenching, stomach-turning decision she’d made, she’d made for them?

They were too weak to do what was necessary, so she did it for them. She kept their hands clean. It was the reason they were still alive. But she’d seen the looks on their faces that night. No relief. No gratitude. Just fear.

They were terrified of her.

Did they think she wanted to be what she was?

She squeezed her eyes closed, trying to shut out her thoughts.

_Fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em all._

She didn’t need people. People slowed you down. Connections made you hesitate. Love made you weak.

Another swallow of whiskey.

Sober, she would’ve noticed the shadow across the front window, would’ve heard the sound of footsteps approaching.

Today? She was too far gone.

An explosion around back caught her attention first, distracting her from the men who burst through the door. By the time she turned back, three of them had fanned out across the room, blocking any hope of escape. They were all in black, faces obscured by masks, and they were definitely armed.

The bottle shattered at her feet.

Her own gun was across the room, her path blocked by the man on the right. Why the hell wasn’t it in its holster?

She dove towards the gun anyway, hoping her speed would save her.

It didn’t.

A taser caught her in the hip first. When she fought through that one, senses dulled by the drink, a second struck her back. She fell face first onto the floor. One of the men held her down while another plunged a needle into her neck. She caught the edge of a tattoo on his forearm before everything started to fade.

Someone lifted her. Eyelids heavy, she did her best to take in any details she could. Outside of the cabin, a familiar face swam before her eyes.

_You._

The face stared back.

Then everything went dark.


	2. The Cave I

_And I’ll find strength in pain, and I will change my ways,  
__I’ll know my name as it’s called again._

[ _The Cave – Mumford and Sons_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNy8llTLvuA)

“Abel Township’s just on the horizon. See it now?”

Johanna flicked her eyes upwards from where she’d fixed them in her lap, but she didn’t respond. She’d been icing the pilot out since they departed Mullins. She didn’t feel good about it – after all, the last month of Jo’s life was hardly her fault ( _The pilot has a name. She told it to you. Why don’t you remember it?)_ – but fear tended to shut her up. She couldn’t imagine what awaited her among the slapdash buildings and not-quite-secure-looking fence that apparently constituted a township. A fresh start seemed too much to ask, but worse was unlikely.

“Abel Township – Jolly Alpha Five Niner from Mullins Military Base. We’re five miles out, approaching from the east, bringing med supplies, shelters, and loan of one of our people.”

 _Our people._ Is that what she was now? She supposed she hadn’t been given much choice in the matter. Someone saw her as useful, and now she was theirs. No one had bothered to ask what she wanted.

 _God, Jo_ , the voice in her head scolded, _You’re never going to start over if all you do is stew about the past._

The radio crackled to life. “Got that! Uh, I mean…roger that. You’re clear to…yeah, you can, you can come on in.”

The voice didn’t inspire a lot of confidence. He sounded unprepared to answer, almost like they’d interrupted him. It did nothing to soften the knot of anxiety in her stomach. She didn’t like this feeling, uninformed and out of control. She needed control.

 _Needing control is what got you into this mess in the first place_.

If the pilot ( _what was her damn name?)_ noticed, she didn’t let on. “Roger Abel. Heading down now.” She switched the comms link off, turning back to Jo. “Level with me. You and me both know we haven’t got half of the usual supplies. We’ve lied to the township!” Jo started to protest. “Yeah, I know, you don’t know anything.”

It was basically true. She hadn’t even heard the words Abel Township or Project Greenshoot until last night, when she’d been informed she was being deployed.

“Helo leaves just after daybreak, Walsh. Don’t be late.” 

She’d been in the UK a grand total of four weeks, and all she’d been able to work out so far was that their outbreak started later than in North America, which had given them time to make plans. From there, it was all a mystery. She was just following orders. It had never been her strong suit, but –

Gunshots pulled her out of her head. “What the…someone’s shooting!” The pilot looked down at her scanners. “That’s not the Township…who the hell has a rocket launcher at this base?”

Johanna barely had time to register the words “rocket launcher” before the explosion. Glass shattered, alarms blared, the pilot called in a mayday, but she barely heard any of it. She was frozen to her seat, wide-eyed in terror. _Jolly Alpha Five Niner going down._ Was this really how it ended? _Three miles east of Abel Township_. After everything she’d been through, everything she’d done, she was going to die in a helicopter crash, thousands of miles from home, with no explanation? _Two souls on board_.

The radio voice was back in her ear. He was telling her to jump. _Yes. Parachute. You have a parachute_. They’d trained her for this. Well, technically they’d quickly walked her through how to deploy her parachute in case of an emergency, but it would have to do. She unclipped her seatbelt, somehow found her footing in the plummeting cockpit, and jumped, somehow pulling the cord at the right moment. _Somehow, you’re supposed to survive this thing_.

She landed wrong, left ankle rolling, pitching her into the brush. But she was alive. Her ears were ringing, she smelled smoke and tasted blood, but she was alive. And the voice was still with her.

“You’ve come down in a horde of zombies. They’ve heard the noise, they’re coming! There are – thirty? No, forty – aw, crap! Your only safe path is towards the tower. If there’s anyone alive there, just run. Run!”

It had been a while since she’d seen the dead up close, but her instincts didn’t fail her this time. She knew how to do this. She leapt to her feet, adrenaline overshadowing the pain in her ankle. The helo had landed on its side, crushing the place she’d been sitting moments earlier. Her pack had tumbled from what used to be the cockpit, slightly singed, but otherwise intact. The pilot was dead, a massive headwound made that clear.

_Callie. Her name was Callie._

She turned her attention back to the zombies. The voice in her headset was right; she was surrounded, but it wasn’t quite as dire as he thought. These were shamblers, well-rotted, nothing Jo couldn’t outrun, even on her worst day. And this just might be that. She shed the parachute, pulled on her pack, and took off towards the tower.

\- - - - - - -

Sam stared at his scanner, half expecting it to change, like his eyes were playing tricks on him. But there it was, the dot was moving towards the tower, just like he’d said.

“Okay, running person, if you can hear me, well, you’re doing great. The main group’s behind you, and you’re going to come out of this forest soon, but there’s a…yeah, well, I-I can’t think of a phrase that’s not ‘small army of zombies.’” Maxine shot him a look. “Sorry, don’t do so well under massive pressure.” He directed the runner towards the old saw mill. And then, something, amazing happened.

The dot changed directions.

“You can hear me!” He exclaimed with a laugh. “Okay, okay, it’s cool, it’s cool, we can bring you in.”

He had to bring them in.

His confidence as an operator had been shattered in the past month. It was the whole reason Maxine was sitting next to him, watching the screens, making sure he didn’t miss anything. It didn’t matter how many times people told him he _hadn’t_ missed anything that day; he just couldn’t trust himself anymore.

Maxine leaned over, asking him to redirect the runner to the hospital.

Sam balked. “No, we can’t ask them that! They might be injured.”

Maxine shrugged. “Well, all the more reason to ask them that.” Ignoring his protest, she leaned over the mic, sending the runner after leftover medical kits.

“It’s too dangerous! You know what happened to Runner Five!”

Runner Five. He hadn’t meant to mention her. It was a month to the day since Alice had gone out to Robinson Hospital and hadn’t come back. A month since this fog had settled into his brain, leaving him distracted and unsure. A month since he’d failed her. The more he tried to ignore that fact, the more present it was in his mind. He’d come in this morning hoping for an easy day – one Mullins supply copter, no other runs on the schedule, nothing for his distracted brain to fuck up. Instead, he was dealing with this.

Maxine couldn’t be talked out of her side quest. “I don’t want to be hard-headed, but everyone in this township earns their keep...”

“Can’t earn their keep if they’re dead,” Sam mumbled.

Maxine ignored him. “…and if you can’t find anything…we might not be able to let you in when you get here.” She switched the mic off. Sam stared at her, dumbfounded.

“What? I’m just trying to motivate them. If they’re coming from Mullins, Janine will let them in regardless, but if they come in with vital information? All the better.”

“I can’t keep them safe in there, Maxine. You know that.” She put a hand on his arm, but he shook her off, turning his attention back to the runner. The dot was heading towards the hospital, as instructed. His stomach sank. _Not again_.

\- - - - - - -

The voice was still chattering away in her ear. _He said his name. God, what was his name?_

This inability to remember names was new. It wasn’t necessarily her memory; more like a trauma response, her brain refusing to connect with anyone since she’d arrived at Mullins. It wasn’t how she wanted to do things this time. She knew what she was like when she isolated herself, and she didn’t like it. She wanted to leave that version of herself as far behind as possible.

The doctor was Myers, but Johanna only remembered that because she was angry with her. Three miles on a likely-sprained ankle was going to be bad enough, but a detour through a dark hospital where another, very fast, runner had apparently just died? That was not Jo’s idea of a good time.

“But hey! You could be our new Runner Five! If you make it back alive.”

“Very helpful, radio man,” she grumbled. She’d already figured out the mic in her helmet was broken, smashed in her less-than-graceful landing, so he didn’t get to hear her adrenaline-fueled commentary. Just as well. It wasn’t very nice. At least her headset worked.

She kept half her mind on the operator’s rambling, the stream of consciousness seeming to keep him calm, while the other half took in her surroundings. She was out of the woods (literally if not metaphorically) and heading into the old city. The tower Dr. Myers had pointed out was easy to track; she’d get there soon. There was still a pack behind her, but they weren’t close enough to catch her before she made it inside.

“…and the truth is, if you’ve got two legs and can go above a slow shamble, you’ll be able to stay out of the zoms’ way, am I right?”

“Well, you’re not wrong,” she replied, no one to hear her.

She wound through the streets to the hospital, narrowly avoiding the swarm in the parking lot. She found a side door near a window and gave it two hard thumps, waiting for anything on the other side. Nothing came. Miraculously, the door was unlocked, and she slipped inside, looking for “anything official-looking,” as instructed. As she made her way through the ground floor, she came to the scene of a struggle. Three dead zoms, a scatter of files, blood on the wall. Her veins went cold; she was standing in the spot where the last Runner Five had fallen.

She shook off the chill and started digging through the files. She was about to move on when she spotted something under an abandoned stretcher. The blue CDC logo jumped out at her immediately; you didn’t grow up near Atlanta without knowing what that was. She pulled it out, peeking under the lid; it was practically full of files This was clearly what the doctor was after. Just in time, too; she could hear the dead nearby. “Alright,” she said, tucking the box under an arm, “Time to get out of here.” She headed towards a different exit, something that would avoid the overrun parking lot.

“Hey, there you are!” the operator exclaimed. “I’ve got you on camera now.” Jo turned, trying to find the camera. “Great to see you, even though you’re kinda blurry.” Jo laughed in spite of herself. Knowing someone could see her felt just a little more secure. “Uh, what’s that you’re carrying? Look at this, Doc – Runner Five’s picked up something in the hospital.”

Jo found the camera, mounted near a door. She held up the box so they could get a better look. “Is that the Centers for Disease Control file?” The doctor again. She nodded. She didn’t need to hear the doctor explain what it was; she knew how important this had to be. The CDC had been physically gone for years now, but some of their scientists had been abroad before the outbreak. If there was anything to know about how all of this had happened, it was in this box.

“What’s that shadow over there?”

“Aw, aww, no!” Panic was back in his voice. “This was what – when we sent her out, this was what happened! They’re following you, Runner Five, the swarm from the car park, they’re following you! Now, run!”

Jo looked back to the scattered papers. She didn’t have to be told twice. She adjusted the box in her arms and ran.

\- - - - - - -

“Sitrep, Mr. Yao.” Janine was barely in the door before she started barking orders, Runner Eight conspicuously at her side.

“Uhhh…we routed the runner through the Robinson Hospital to see if they could pick up any med kits on their way, and they found something Maxine thinks is important. They’re about two kilometers from Abel now. There are zoms behind, but I should be able to direct them safely.”

Janine nodded sharply. “See that you do. This is a vitally important asset, Mr. Yao. I’ll have Runner Seven send people out to meet them, but see that the runner makes it here alive.” With that, Janine was gone as quickly as she’d come. Eight fixed him with a stare that he couldn’t quite place – threatening? motivational? he could never read her – before following her out. Whatever it was, he didn’t need it. Something about seeing them on his cameras, watching them go through the same halls as Alice, face the same threats as Alice, had strengthened his resolve. He had failed Alice. He wasn’t going to do it again.

The new runner was fast, and making excellent time, but the lead zom was close behind.

“They’re so fast. Why are they so fast?” He muttered, peering at the cams. The lead zom was still closing on them. “They never run, why are they running?”

As she passed a camera, Sam got a look at her face. His heart stopped. Maxine, seeing the same thing, inhaled sharply.

“Oh, God…it’s her. I can see her…it’s Alice, the old Runner Five. She’s the one chasing you, she’s…she’s still wearing her headset! She’s…”

Runner Seven came through the door, interrupting his panic. “What’s the status on that runner, Sam?” But Sam couldn’t answer him. His throat had dried up, eyes locked on Alice’s grey face, the bite on her shoulder.

Maxine stepped in. “The most important thing is that they found something vital in the hospital – that has to make it back. They’re about half a K from Abel now, and fast, so it won’t be long. There’s a tail of zombies, mostly shamblers, but that one up front…” She trailed off.

Evan followed Maxine’s gaze to the screen. The recognition was obvious on his face. “My god.” He put on his headset, setting it to the proper channel. “Runner Five, it’s Runner Seven here, Head of Runners. The doctor’s told me you found something useful in the hospital. We’re sending out a couple of people to bring you in. Just keep running, as fast as you can! Don’t look back; she’s right behind you. Just run!” He switched off his mic and turned to the door.

“Alright. I’m heading out with One and Six, and we’ve got snipers on the fence to pick off the zoms. We’ll bring them in, Sam.” Evan patted Sam’s shoulder on his way out, which would’ve been comforting, except…

“They’re going to shoot her. I-I can’t watch. I don’t want to…”

“It’s what she would have wanted, Sam, you know it is. She wouldn’t have wanted to live like this.”

He knew she was right, but he turned from the screen all the same. He didn’t need to see. A barrage of shots. Quietly, so quietly he almost missed it, Maxine said, “Got her.”

He exhaled, not realizing he’d been holding his breath. “Raise the gates.” Nothing. “Raise the gates!” As the alarm sounded, he pulled off his headset and was out the door without a word. The new runner was going to make it in fine. Evan was at the gate, Yang and Maggie had them covered on the ground. If he met new Five at the gate, maybe it would feel like just another runner coming home. Maybe he wouldn’t have to think about what it had taken to get them here.

\- - - - - - -

“This way, run!”

Her ankle throbbed, her arms ached from the weight of the CDC box, and the straps of her pack dug into her shoulders. All she could focus on was the gates, alarms blaring as they were raised. It was almost over. She was almost safe. Just a few more steps, and she’d be inside. _Why_ did this place have to be on a hill?

A shot rang out, followed by the unmistakable sound of a bullet hitting decayed flesh and a thud as the old Runner Five fell. _Alice._ Of course, she could remember her name.

She made it through the gates. “I’ll take that.” The voice of the Head of Runners, taking the CDC box. She doubled over, panting, hands on her knees. She could see the feet of curious residents who’d come out to meet her, but she couldn’t handle their barrage of questions. One voice cut through the rest.

“Hey! Good to see you in the flesh…the totally-unbroken, skin-not-bitten-by-zombies flesh?” She nodded, still trying to recover her breath. 

Jo pulled off her helmet, sweaty curls escaping from her bun and sticking to her face and neck. “Step back, step back everyone, don’t crowd! Give Runner Five some space! Can’t take in so many new faces right now.”

She finally looked up, connecting the voice who had saved her life with its face. He wasn’t quite as young as he’d sounded, though the bright orange hoodie did him no favors in that department. He looked about as bad as she felt, though Jo was struck by his eyes. They may very well have been the kindest eyes she’d ever seen.

“That’s who they’ve assigned for Project Greenshoot?” Jo’s head snapped in the direction of the voice, but she couldn’t place it.

The crowd started to disperse. “Alright, the doc should take a look at you. Med tent’s that way, need a hand?”

Jo shook her head. “I’m fine.” He reached out for her anyway, but she swatted his hand. “I said I’m fine!” She snapped. _Jesus. Great first impression._ She took a step on her left leg, which immediately buckled, pain returning as her adrenaline faded.

The operator caught her before she fell. “Clearly,” he deadpanned. “Would you please just take my arm?”

Jo did, begrudgingly, and let him lead her to the med tent. The woman inside was already poring over the contents of the box. She looked up as they arrived.

“Aha! Look who made it!” Her voice matched what Jo had heard over the headset. Seeing her in person, the anger she’d felt evaporated. Maybe it was the relief at finally being safe, but she liked the doctor immediately. And she was always comfortable in a medical setting. Noting her limp, the doctor said “Ok, you grab a seat on this exam table here, and I’ll take a look at you.” She sat, relieved to be off her aching ankle.

The operator pulled his arm from hers, turning to Dr. Myers. “Alright. You’ve got it from here, Maxine?”

“I’ve got it from here, Sam, thanks.”

 _Sam. That was it._ She swore to remember it this time. _And the doctor was Maxine._ It wouldn’t kill her to connect with another human. Sam left without another word.

Maxine shook her head as she gathered her supplies. “Don’t mind him. He’s been through a lot lately, he’s usually much chattier than that, as you probably noticed.”

“I also may have snapped at him just now,” Jo replied. “Not my finest moment.”

“Mm, occupational hazard of being an operator, I guess.” Gloves on, Maxine crossed the room, setting down peroxide and gauze on a small table next to her. “First things first, bite check. You’re sure nothing touched you?”

Jo nodded. “Nothing got close enough.”

“Perfect. Just take your jacket off then, I should be able to do this over your clothes and check any bloody spots.” Jo did as she was told while Maxine set to work. “So. You came from Mullins. How long were you there?”

“About a month.”

“Wow. Quick turnaround. And you’re American too! From the South I take it?”

Jo laughed. “Georgia. Accent give me away?”

Maxine laughed too, checking a scrape on her shoulder. “Yeah, it’s hard to miss, especially here. I’ve been here for years, moved for my girlfriend’s job. But no matter how much I feel like a Brit, it’s obvious I’m American. And I’m from Chicago, nothing like that drawl of yours.”

“Yeah. I try to keep it in check, but it gets stronger when I’m stressed.”

“That makes sense.” Maxine stepped back. “Alright, you’re clean, no bites, no scratches, just a few cuts and bruises. Let’s take a look at that ankle.”

She pulled off her boot and sock, rolling her pant leg. “It’s probably just a grade one sprain. I don’t think I could’ve run if the ligament had torn.” Maxine looked up at her. “Sorry,” Jo said, “I was a doctor too. Old habits.”

“No kidding!”

“A resident, anyway. Things went to hell before I made attending.”

“Well that’s useful,” Maxine replied. “Internal medicine?”

Johanna shook her head. “Training to be a trauma surgeon.”

Maxine’s eyes widened at that. “ _Very_ useful. Not to put you on the spot, but I don’t suppose you’d consider helping out around here? Like I said, I’m the only medic.”

Jo felt herself smile. “Actually, I would love that. I haven’t gotten to just be a doctor in a long time.”

“Well I’d love the help. It can be a lot for one person.” She examined her ankle. “Although I don’t know about just being a doctor. They’re going to want you in the runner corps after today. You really ran 5K on this?” Jo nodded. “Well, you were right, it’s definitely sprained. You’ll need to be off it at least a week. I’ll wrap it once you’ve had a chance to clean up. I don’t know if Janine-“

“If I what, Dr. Myers?”

They turned in the direction of the voice. Two women had entered the med tent, both serious-looking. The one who had spoken, dark-haired and much taller than Jo (not like that was hard), had an air of authority about her. The other was smaller, though no less intense.

“Ah! Janine, Runner 8, perfect timing. I was just wondering if you’d assigned our newest resident here a bunk yet. New Five, this is Janine De Luca, commander of Abel Township, and Runner Eight. Janine, Eight, this is the woman who fell out of the sky, picked up a vital CDC box in an overrun hospital, and ran 5K back to Abel on a sprained ankle. I think we’re going to like her a lot.”

Janine frowned. “Yes, about that, Dr. Myers, you had no authority to divert her through that hospital when you knew it was unsafe. This is an asset from Mullins, not a runner in the field. It would’ve been less than ideal had she not survived the trip.”

Less than ideal? Well, that was certainly one way to put it.

Janine turned back to her “In any case, you’re here now. I trust you have your documents from Mullins?”

Jo nodded. “Uh, yeah, they’re just…” she trailed off as Maxine handed her pack to her. She opened the front pocket where she’d stashed said documents, but it was empty. She sighed. “I put everything in here this morning, they must’ve fallen out in the crash.”

“So no ID?” The second woman spoke this time. Runner Eight. It was the same Irish accent who’d mentioned Greenshoot by the gates. They locked eyes.

“Yeah, I guess no ID.”

Eight’s eyes narrowed. “Convenient.”

Defensiveness crept into her voice. “That’s not what I’d call it.” Eight raised her eyebrows. She clearly wasn’t used to being challenged. “My helicopter did crash, you know.”

Eight glared at her, but Jo refused to look away. She knew how to play the scary alpha bitch game; it wasn’t one she often lost. Finally, Janine cleared her throat. “Well. That is…not ideal. But we can sort it out later. For now, you’ll be in C dorm, first room on the left. I trust a few roommates won’t be a problem.”

Jo shrugged. “Has to be fewer than Mullins.”

“Good. I’ll leave you to get settled then, Runner Five. Doctor Myers.” The pair left the hospital, but not before Eight fixed her with one last glare.

“Well,” Jo said when they were out of earshot, “They seem nice.”

“Yeah, they can both be a bit…intense.” Maxine shook her head. “I think we’ve all had a long day. And you probably want to clean up. I have a decon shower here; it’s a little abrasive, but it’s more private than the main shower block. You have a change of clothes?”

“Not here, no. I left that bag with the helo.”

“No matter. You can borrow something of mine for now. I’ll find you a bite to eat while you shower, and then you can get settled into your bunk. Sound like a plan?”

A rush of affection hit her, all earlier resentment gone.

Fifteen minutes later, in fresh clothes, ankle wrapped, and with a protein bar and bottle of water in her stomach, Johanna almost felt human again. She stepped out of the hospital with Maxine, blinking in the daylight. She was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to collapse on a bunk for a while, but she had to do something first.

“Ok, dorms are across the quad, behind the armory, and C’s the third one back. You have everything you need for now?”

“I think so. Thank you, Dr. Myers. I’ll head there in a minute, but first…where would the operator –“ _His name, Jo._ “Sam. Where would Sam be?”

“Ah. He is probably back in the comms shack, which is that tiny building with the various antennae.”

Jo looked where Maxine was pointing. _Alright_ , she thought, _Today did not go as planned. Doesn’t mean you can’t make one thing better_.

\- - - - - - -

Sam had been scrolling through Rofflenet since he’d left the hospital, but he wasn’t really seeing what was on the screen. He was still out of sorts. His mind felt like it was melting, exhausted from barely an hour’s work. He wondered if he could get away with putting his head on the desk for a little while. If he just took a few minutes…

There was a knock on the door. That was odd. People rarely knocked before entering the comms shack. “It’s open,” he called.

New Five opened the door, dark curls still wet from a shower, dressed in a t-shirt and scrubs he recognized as Maxine’s. No longer weighed down by a pack, she was tiny, barely five feet. He wondered how she’d stack up next to Jody.

“Oh! Hey, Five.”

Out of uniform she didn’t look nearly as intense, just exhausted. Younger than he’d thought too, and very pretty. He shook off that unwelcome thought, reminding himself Alice’s body was somewhere on the grounds at this moment. He really needed to sleep. “You, uh, get that ankle sorted out?”

Her smile was warm, if weak. Far warmer than he expected from the woman who’d literally smacked his hand away when he tried to help her. “I did, thanks. It’s just a sprain. Week of rest and I’ll be good as new.”

She was American. He hadn’t picked that up when she’d barked at him inside the gates. “That’s good. And you’re alright…otherwise?”

Five shrugged. “As good as I can be I guess.” She wrung her hands for a moment before continuing. “Listen…I wanted to apologize. For earlier. You were trying to help, and I was overwhelmed, and I took it out on you, and that wasn’t fair.”

This surprised him. Sam crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair. “Yeah, well, it’s not like you had a good reason to be stressed. Not like you survived a helicopter crash, or outran a herd of zombies injured or anything like that.” She laughed, just like he’d hoped she would. It made him smile.

“Well, you saved my life today. It wouldn’t have been right for me to just…leave things like that. So thank you.”

He wasn’t sure what to do with that. “Oh, uh…you know. I was just doing my job. Anyone would’ve –”

She cut him off. “No, Sam, seriously. I mean…I don’t know if I’d have thought to open my parachute if you hadn’t been in my ear telling me to jump. I may very well have died without you.”

Sam felt himself blush. It had been a long time since anyone had gone out of their way to say he was good at his job. “Yeah, well…that’s what we do at Abel – we look after each other.”

She turned to the door when he remembered. “Oh! Before you go, Janine had me radio Mullins after you got in and…yeah, sorry, they’re not sending another chopper for you after the rocket launcher and all.”

Five sighed, but she didn’t look surprised. “Yeah, I sort of expected that.”

“Yeah, so…welcome home?”

She smiled again. “Thanks, Sam.” She closed the door behind her.

 _Well_ , he thought, a small smile on his face. _I certainly wasn’t expecting that_.


	3. Turntable

_Won’t you sit for a while?_  
 _Won’t you rest yourself?  
_ _You know it ain’t such a shame to have lost yourself._

[ _Turntable – Dead Horses_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAywD7nmOhk)

“BACKFLIP!” True to his (deafening) word, Kytan flipped, landing in a rather awkward fighting stance. He and Yang had spent the past fifteen minutes sparring, shirtless, in the quad. It was early March, not nearly warm enough to shed one’s shirt yet. Sam supposed the fact that New Five was twenty feet away, stretched out on a bench with her nose in a book, was purely a coincidence. To her eternal credit, she hadn’t so much as glanced in their direction.

She’d been in Abel four days, and while she herself had faded into the background, several of the male runners had been making spectacles of themselves. 

“Ugh.” Jody appeared at his side. “They do this every time we get a new female runner. Remember when Maggie showed up? Simon jogged around the quad shirtless for an hour. In November.”

Sam laughed at the memory. “Yeah, I remember. Maxine berated him for twice as long for almost getting frostbite on his nipples.”

Sam had been doing his best to avoid New Five for the past few days. He just didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with her presence yet. This was easy, given that she was staying fairly isolated while her ankle healed, opting even to take meals back in her bunk. He hadn’t spoken to her since their conversation in the comms shack. Some of the other residents whispered about her being aloof, but he didn’t buy it. After all, she’d apologized for snapping at him. Plenty of runners did it in stressful situations. Very few came back to apologize.

No, to Sam, it looked more like recon. She was getting the feel for her surroundings before fitting herself into them. It made sense.

“Doesn’t seem like she’s paying them much mind. Smart woman,” Jody continued. “You met her when she came in, right? What’s your take?”

He hesitated. He was trying very hard not to have a take, though he was failing at it. Having someone else with Alice’s number was strange enough, but the fact that she was pretty complicated things further. It wasn’t like him to get out of sorts over a virtual stranger, and he couldn’t take the guilt he felt when he looked at her. It was his own damn fault for calling her Five. Of course he was unsettled.

“Uh. Well. I mean, we barely spoke. You’re rooming with her, you’d have a better idea than me.”

Jody shrugged. “Yeah. I guess so. She seems nice enough. Pretty quiet. But I guess I was too when I first got here. She’s usually reading or stretching when I see her, otherwise she’s with Maxine in the hospital. She untangled a ball of yarn for me while I was out on my run yesterday. That was nice.”

She went quiet for a minute, and Sam could feel her holding something back.

“So,” she finally said, “We decided to finally have Alice’s memorial tonight. Since we…y’know, got her back and all.” Sam made a noncommittal noise. Maxine had already overheard Evan talking to Janine and warned him.

“Yeah, I heard.” She stared at him expectantly. He sighed. “And I’ll be there Jody, just maybe not for long. Watching Simon get drunk and hit on Janine is not how I’d choose to celebrate Alice’s life.”

“Yeah, I get it. We all grieve in our own way. I know it’s been especially hard for you, since you never…well. Anyway. Just wanted to make sure you knew.”

A group of kids ran through the quad just then. One of them dropped a doll in the dirt. New Five leaned over from where she sat to pick it up. She must’ve called after them because they all turned at once. One of the girls ran back, gratefully taking the doll from her outstretched hands. Five smiled at her, though there was something sad in it. Sam had a feeling there was far more to this woman than met the eye. But he couldn’t handle whatever it was just yet. 

\- - - - - - -

“Hmm.” The doctor was clearly unconvinced.

“I’m serious, Maxine. The swelling’s down, my range of motion is better, I can even put weight on it with almost no pain.”

She raised her eyebrows. “ _Almost_ no pain?”

“Ok, so it’s not perfect, but it’s better, look!” Jo stood on one foot.

Maxine shook her head. “Doctors really do make the worst patients. Now sit so I can rewrap that for you”

Jo took a seat. “I already talked to Runner Seven, he said I can start training as soon as you clear me, sooo…”

“So?”

“So clear me?”

Maxine started wrapping her ankle. “Not a chance. You’re resting at least a week before I even considering fitness testing you. If you rush it you’re just risking injury in the field, and that’s how people get killed.”

Jo flopped backwards on the exam table. “Maxine, I am going stir crazy here. I thought you said everyone here pulls their weight.”

“You can’t pull your weight if your ankle doesn’t even bear weight. It’s just three more days. After that you’ll be longing for a week off.” Jo groaned. Of course, Maxine was right. But she didn’t have to like it.

“Besides, if you’re really that bored you could, I don’t know, start taking your meals in the canteen with everyone else? You know, meet some people?”

Jo sat up again. “I’ve met people.”

“What, like seven of us? There are more than 100 here. There are more than twenty runners alone. And you’re the one who said you’re, what, ‘consciously trying to be less of an asshole?’ Non-assholes socialize, Johanna.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah. You’re probably right.”

Her initial suspicion that Maxine was someone she could befriend had been proven correct tenfold over the past few days. Maxine was warm and very easy to talk to. They’d spent hours organizing the med tent, swapping stories about medical school and working in hospitals. Maxine had told her all about her girlfriend, Paula, whom she hadn’t seen since the outbreak began. Her openness had made her feel like a safe person to talk to. Jo hadn’t gotten into her own past, but she did tell Maxine how things had gotten bad back in the states, how Mullins had been like a forced reset, and, yes, that she was trying to be less of an asshole.

She was also the only one so far to bother asking for her real name besides Janine, who’d only done it so she could check the files she’d gotten from Mullins. It’s not that she was opposed to her number; it just felt so impersonal seeing as she hadn’t even run yet. Impersonal didn’t work for her. Not anymore.

Runners Three and Six came into the hospital then, just back from a run. “Afternoon, Doc!” Simon called. “Bite check time. Unless Mags here feels like taking care of it for me?”

Maggie rolled her eyes. “Not on your life, Three.”

Jo had only met Simon once before, when Maggie and Jody gave her a quick tour of Abel, but she had him figured out almost immediately. He was a fitness bro, all toned muscles and inflated ego, quick to flirt with anything that moved. She’d met enough guys like him before. It was an act, every bit of it, especially the womanizing. Honestly, he reminded her a bit of her brother, and in some ways, herself. It made her just a little more patient with his antics.

She tried to remember this patience when Simon slung an arm around her shoulders. “Five! How’s my favorite new runner today?”

She shrugged him off. “Not big on being touched by strangers, if I’m honest.”

Simon just laughed. “Strangers! Who’s a stranger? We’re just a big, beautiful runner family around here.” Maggie again rolled her eyes behind him. “Speaking of runners, you are coming tonight, right?”

“Coming to what?”

“Oh, just a little runner shindig.” He raised his eyebrows at her suggestively.

Jo narrowed her eyes. “Yeah, if this is your attempt at hazing, I am wholly uninterested. I’m too old for that shit.”

“God, you’re such an idiot Three,” Maggie cut in. “It’s a memorial. For Alice, the old Runner Five? Since we got her body back and can actually lay her to rest. There’ll be a formal ceremony at some point, but the runners always like to do something a little more celebratory too. Music, drinks, that sort of thing.”

“Oh.” Johanna considered this. She probably owed it to the woman to pay her respects. And as Maxine, who was now staring pointedly at her, said, there were more runners to meet. “That sounds…well, fun is the wrong word, but yeah, I’ll stop by.”

“Perfect!” Simon said, mussing her hair. She smacked his hand away. “It’ll just be a quiet affair, I’m sure.” He turned back to Maxine. “Alright, doc, let me go strip down for you.”

She followed him behind the curtain, shaking her head at Jo and Maggie. “You’re just making me gayer, Three.”

The memorial was not a quiet affair.

The runners had gotten approval from Janine for exactly ninety minutes of revelry before curfew, and they were making the most of it. Several of them had spent the afternoon transforming the rec room in to an open space, clearing the couches and cushions and lopsided foosball table. There were tables of snacks and drinks, things runners had picked up and stashed rather than turning in. Someone had found a few cubes of ice for the drinks. The resident radio DJs had even managed to rig up some battery powered speakers.

Jo was in the corner, nursing a glass of cheap whiskey, the first alcohol she’d touched in more than a month. The mood was light, a celebration of life instead of a funeral. Runners were telling stories, tacking up Polaroids, and leaving objects that reminded them of Alice.

Rarely in her life had Jo felt like such an interloper.

It wasn’t that the other runners treated her as such; they were actively trying to include her. But the more she learned about the deceased Runner Five, the more out of place she felt.

Sam, who’d disappeared early on, had used the word amazing when he talked about her. It sounded like he was exactly right. From the stories, Alice sounded kind and generous and as unselfish as they came. And Johanna was…not that.

When you spend your whole life fighting, you don’t always get a say in who you have to be to survive. Throw in a zombie apocalypse where man was eternally more threatening than beast, the good choices become fewer and fewer.

She’d been trying hard not to spiral since arriving at Abel. She knew she couldn’t be what she’d become anymore. She didn’t want to be. It had cost her everything. But when you find yourself staring down the barrel of the terrible choices you’d made, _had_ to make, it was hard to imagine coming out the other side.

Who the hell did Johanna think she was, replacing someone like Alice?

She stepped out of the building, head swimming with weight of the evening and the half glass of whiskey she’d consumed. God, her tolerance was really down. She just needed a few minutes to herself to regain her composure, and then –

“Hey! New Five! Look at you socializing!”

It was Sam, his face bright red, a bottle of something in his hand. They hadn’t spoken in days. The exhaustion in his eyes had compelled her to leave him alone anytime they’d crossed paths.

“Oh! Hey, Sam.” She wasn’t sure what to say. “What’s that you’re drinking?”

He held out the bottle for her to inspect. “Chocolate liqueur. It…is…TERRIBLE. But! It’s getting the job done.” He took a hearty swig.

Jo looked at the label in the moonlight. 30 proof. Not too bad, but given that there was only about a third left…“Was that full when you got it?” She’d snapped into doctor mode. He nodded. “Hm.”

“Oh, don’t worry about me.” His words were slurred. “I’ll have lots of water and some aspirin before I go to bed and be right as rain by morning.” He took another swig.

“You should probably find some juice too.” He looked at her funny. “Because of the sugar. Water will help with the dehydration, but your sugar will be depleted too. Juice will help.”

Sam furrowed his brow, looking from the bottle to her. “Hm. Didn’t take you for the party pooper type.”

Jo laughed. “I’m not usually. It’s just a little…early in my tenure here to go into full party mode.”

Sam took another drink. “Well, someone I cared about very much is dead, and now you’re here instead of her, so if you don’t mind, I’m going to get shitfaced.”

Jo took another sip of the terrible whiskey Simon had poured her. It was mostly watered down by now, but it was better than finding a response to that. He hadn’t sounded malicious when he said it, but Jesus. There it was.

“So!” He said, wavering slightly. “How d’you like Abel?”

She considered her response. “Well, I haven’t explored all of it yet –“

“Oh, you have to!” Sam cut her off, stretching his arms out wide. “Everything the light touches is our kingdom!”

He really was shitfaced. “Uh…yeah. I will. But it’s nice so far. You were right; people take care of each other here. Maxine is great, and my roommates have been really helpful in getting me settled.” She frowned. “Well…two of them, anyway.”

“Ohhhh yeah. C dorm, right?” She nodded. “Yeah. Jody and Maggie are great, but Eight’s scary as hell.”

Jo took another drink. “I don’t know about scary, but she sure as shit doesn’t like me.” Sam looked at her. “Not that she’s said so. Or said anything to me really. She’s usually the first one out in the morning and the last one in at night, so we haven’t exactly interacted, but when we do…yeah, she usually just shoots me a suspicious look before going back to whatever she was doing.”

“Hm. So, what, she thinks you’re…something bad?”

Jo shrugged. “I guess. My ID got lost in the crash. Maybe she thinks I’m not who I say I am.” She wasn’t sure why she told him this, but it felt good to get it off her chest.

Sam pondered this. “Hm. Well. Doesn’t matter what she thinks. Because I have figured out your secret!”

Johanna froze, her mind rapidly running through every awful thing she’d ever done, everything she’d tried to leave behind. What did he know? And how could he know it? How the hell could someone she’d known a grand total of four days know anything about her? Was there some sort of file, or –

“You,” he said, jabbing a finger at her accusingly, “Are a good person.”

She laughed, more loudly than she’d meant to, both relieved and dumbfounded. “You don’t really know me.”

He shook his head. “Don’t need to. Yeah, you keep your distance, and you’ve got that sort of silent, mysterious thing going on, but I hear things. I know you untangled Jody’s yarn for her, and picked up that doll one of the kids dropped, and you always split your breakfast with Maxine. Bad people don’t do those things. They just don’t.” He thought for a moment. “And bad people especially don’t apologize when they do something mean. Ergo, you are a good person.”

Jo had literally no idea how to respond to that. She’d been called a lot of things in her life, positive and not, but good? Good wasn’t one of them. She dropped her eyes, hoping he wouldn’t notice the tears that had suddenly sprang up. She cried so much more easily these days.

Just because she and Sam hadn’t really interacted didn’t mean she hadn’t been observing. He was exhausted, yes, and a little distracted, but this was someone who cared deeply about his job and his runners. He was kind and well-liked, and he thought she was good? He had no idea.

She cleared her throat. “Well, I don’t know about ‘good,’ Sam, but…thanks. That’s nice of you to say.”

Sam, meanwhile, had turned his attention back to the bottle in his hand. “You might have a point about this stuff,” he said, frowning. “Maybe two-thirds of the bottle is not the proper serving size. I’m going to go…somewhere else now. ‘Night, Five.” He started towards the comms shack.

She called after him, “Yeah, find some water and juice, please!”

He turned back to her, smiling. “See? A bad person wouldn’t care.”


	4. The Cave II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're on to actual mission content now! This one's shorter, but that's because A Voice in the Dark is going to be looong. Enjoy!

_So come out of your cave walking on your hands  
__And see the world hanging upside down._

[ _The Cave – Mumford and Sons_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNy8llTLvuA)

“Runner Five! Wait up!”

Jo turned to see Jody and Maggie jogging to catch up. _Runner Five_. The name no longer grated on her. She’d been in Abel four weeks now. Maxine had finally cleared her and turned her over to Runner Seven after a week, who’d put her to work almost immediately. She’d been on two missions of high importance, one to rescue a seemingly-abandoned child and one to warn residents of another local settlement of an incoming horde.

The missions had been tests. No one said so, but Jo could tell. And the fact that no one had mentioned them meant she had passed with flying colors. If she hadn’t, there would’ve been notes and corrections. Instead, they just kept putting her on the schedule.

Yes, she finally felt she’d earned the moniker. Johanna was finding herself again, but Runner Five was someone new to be while that happened.

Overall, she was adjusting well. She was learning names, making connections, trying to soften into her new surroundings. And overall, people had received her with open arms. There was a bit of suspicion surrounding her arrival, but the runners had mostly accepted her as one of their own.

Runner Eight, on the other hand, was a problem.

Eight finally decided to start speaking to her on a lure and distract mission several weeks ago. Jo almost immediately realized she’d liked the silence better.

“Hey there! I’m Runner Eight, Sara Smith, how you doing?” She’d introduced herself as if they hadn’t been sleeping in the same room and trading glares for the last week. It wasn’t long into the mission before she’d turned off their radios to voice her suspicions without Sam overhearing.

Sam had been furious at Eight for shutting off her transmitter. Jo had appreciated the distraction. A different anger was brewing in her own head, and it was only getting worse, no matter how she tried to breathe through the jabs. She was amazed she’d only lost her temper once so far. In a way, it felt like progress. In another, she wasn’t sure how long she could keep her anger down. Eight brought back that spiteful, defensive side of her she’d tried to shed.

Johanna was no traitor, but you can’t prove a negative, especially not without an ID.

She shook that off. Today was a new adventure, and she was determined not to let Eight ruin it. She was finally joining the rest of the runners for training after dinner. These sessions only happened three times a week, and only for runners who hadn’t already been in the field that day. She hadn’t been able to join yet and was looking forward to a good workout, hoping it would help her sleep.

Jody and Maggie walked with her to the canteen. They’d been good friends since her arrival, Jody joyful and kind, Maggie snarky and quick-witted. Besides Maxine, they were the two she’d bonded with most. The trio found a table near the door.

“And just what do you think you’re doing here?”

Runner Eight. Of course. Jo was about to fire back at her when she spoke again. “Six, you’re supposed to be saving our spot at the training grounds, remember? It’s your turn.”

The color drained from Maggie’s face. “Oh no. I thought it was your turn.”

“If it were my turn, I’d already be there.” The other three stared at her. “Well. We’d better run.”

The four of them left the canteen and took off across the quad towards the training grounds. Johanna had no idea what they were doing. Jody and Maggie looked spooked, but Eight was far too calm for this to be any sort of real threat. “Is someone going to fill me in here?”

“Runner Seven got sick of refereeing fights over music during training,” Eight explained, “So he instituted a new rule: first one to stake their claim on the training grounds got to pick the music. The three of us alternate who gets there early while the others go to dinner. Old Five used to do it too, so I suppose we should rotate you in.”

“One, Eleven, and Thirteen try to do the same thing, but they’re almost never on time,” Maggie continued. “Thirteen used to be a DJ, so their playlists are always sort of weird and house music-y, but they’re not why we’re running. The bigger problem is…”

The opening strains of “YMCA” cut her off.

“Ughhhh!” Jody groaned. “We’re too late!”

Were they ever.

Runner Three, clad in a neon pink tank and overly tight, far-too-short shorts, had his back to them, hands on bouncing hips. As he heard them approach, he spun around, perfectly timed to the music.

“Well this is carefully choreographed,” Jo remarked. Maggie snorted.

“Evening, ladies!” Simon called. “I told you this day was coming!”

They stopped. “Way to go, Six,” Eight scolded.

“I’m sorry!” Maggie groaned. “This is all my fault.”

Simon kept dancing.

Runner Seven joined them. “I take it Three arrived first tonight?”

“I think it’s time to revisit the music policy, Seven. Surely our squabbling isn’t as painful as this.”

“I’ll take it under advisement, Eight.” Evan turned to Jo. “Five, I’m afraid you won’t be joining us tonight. I’ve just spoken to Janine, she needs you in the field immediately.”

Eight raised her eyebrows. “It’s a little late in the day for a new mission, isn’t it? There’s not much daylight left.”

Evan nodded. “I said as much, but Janine is sure this won’t take long. Five, you’re to report to the gates.”

Jody was still glaring at Simon. “Lucky. We’re stuck with that.”

\- - - - - - -

Sam was not what you’d call a control freak, but he’d become far less fond of spontaneity recently.

This mission hadn’t been scheduled until late afternoon, Janine working off intel that had just come in. She hadn’t given him details, just asked who Sam would recommend sending on something important. New Five was the first person who came to mind. He hadn’t realized Janine had meant to send her out right away.

He had to stop thinking of her as New Five. She was just Runner Five by now, wasn’t she? And beyond that, she must have a real name.

Sam was always uneasy with the decision to throw one of his runners into the field without warning, especially if it was Five. She was doing exceptionally well; she’d handled everything they’d given her so far, a handful of missions and training exercises, with aplomb, despite the near-constant barrage of mistrust from Runner Eight. Five was more than equipped to handle that too.

Where most runners would be too scared to argue, Five was the first person he’d met who could effectively snipe back at Eight, rendering her speechless on more than one occasion. It was an impressive skill, even if their interactions left Sam nervous about letting them work together. What’s more, it convinced Sam that Eight was wrong and Five was exactly who she said she was. A guilty party wouldn’t invite so much confrontation.

No, Five herself didn’t worry him. It was the lack of details that put him on edge. His added anxiety surrounding Five just made it worse.

Worse still, Janine had finally admitted the purpose of this mission: making contact with rebels from New Canton. He had a very bad feeling about this. And Five, who wasn’t exactly chatty but could usually be counted on for some conversation, had gone quiet at the mention of New Canton. He suspected she felt as uneasy as he did.

He’d tried to reassure her he was keeping as close an eye on her as possible, but Janine had returned and interrupted before they’d gotten a chance to talk. That woman really was tricky.

“Very good, Runner Five. You were quite right to recommend this one, Mr. Yao. A very efficient, competent worker.”

He was regretting that recommendation right about now. “Yeah. We don’t want to lose Runner Five, just…bear that in mind.”

“There’s nothing to be alarmed about, Mr. Yao. Everything’s going well.”

Somehow, Sam doubted that.

He could admit he was a little more anxious than the average person, but Janine’s complete nonchalance about their potential New Canton problem was baffling. He knew he couldn’t begin to understand the many plates Janine kept spinning in order for Abel to run the way it did, but he too was good at his job. His intuition had kept runners alive more than once. Today, he just didn’t feel right. And the sun was starting to set.

“Your contact should be meeting you just over the edge of the ridge from where you are right now. Keep running!”

As Janine directed, Sam peered at his scanners. There was something in Five’s path, and it wasn’t zombies.

A mechanical sound was followed by gunshots.

“Runner from Abel Township!” an amplified voice declared. Five swore.

His stomach dropped. “It’s a trap.”

“Take evasive maneuvers!” Janine ordered.

“What evasive maneuvers? This isn’t _Top Gun_!”

“Runner from Abel Township, you are surrounded! There’s no hope for escape!”

He watched Five double back, desperate for an escape. He had to help her.

“There’s only one evasive maneuver available. Runner Five? Runner Five, there’s a break in the, uh…” The New Canton soldier continued ordering her to stop. “…yeah, the wall of people surrounding you. If you keep heading in the direction you’re going, you might go out of scanner range, but Runner Five – just run!”

Five did as she was told and took off through the break in the trees. Gunfire followed her, but there were no shouts or cries to pain to indicate she’d been hit. New Canton started to pursue, but she was too fast for them. She evaded them with ease; Sam watched the soldiers come to a halt on his scanners.

“Mr. Yao, is Runner Five safely away?”

“I think so, but…” Static filled the headset. Her dot on the scanner disappeared. “Yeah, she’s out of range. Which means we have no way to contact her. The sun’s setting, and we can’t get her home.”

Sam felt sick. His fourth Runner Five was out on her own, and he couldn’t do anything about it.

This couldn’t be happening again.


	5. Slouching Towards Bethlehem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're so inclined to look up the music I pair with these chapters, PLEASE listen to the version of "Slouching Towards Bethlehem" from Travelogue. It's backed by an orchestra, and it's gorgeous.

_Turning and turning within the widening gyre;  
_ _The falcon cannot hear the falconer._

[ _Slouching Towards Bethlehem – Joni Mitchell_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPbBVJfuzws)

Alone.

The dark forest stretched impossibly in all directions. The sun was long gone and had taken the day’s fleeting spring warmth with it. Jo shivered against the night, dressed in nothing but leggings and a thin tank.

She was alone.

Evading New Canton’s ambush hadn’t been difficult; there’d been a break in their forces, wide open and uncovered. She’d crashed through the trees, earning some scrapes and tears in her shirt, and came through disoriented but otherwise unharmed. No gunshot wounds, no twinge in her ankle, nothing broken but the mic on her headset, snapped when it caught on a branch.

There was nothing but static on her headset now; whether that was because she was out of range or there was nothing to hear remained to be seen. Either way, she was on her own to try and get home. New Canton was north of Abel, so she was heading south.

At least she thought she was.

She could tell direction by the night sky decently enough; she thought she was keeping the North Star at her back, but the sky wasn’t clear, and she’d gotten turned around in her escape. True, she’d faced far more dire circumstances, but you wouldn’t know it to read her thoughts.

Darkness crept in with every passing minute. She was alone out here, abandoned after a mission had gone needlessly awry. She had felt something was off long before Sam and Janine. Chalk it up to her prolonged apocalyptic experience. If she’d had any idea where Janine was sending her, she probably would’ve refused the mission. New Canton rebels wanting to trade? Who the hell would buy that?

Jo wasn’t sure how she felt about her commander yet, but she certainly thought the woman had more sense than that.

She clocked a pair of zoms to her right; her hand instinctively went to her left thigh, but, of course, she wasn’t armed. Janine’s unwillingness to clear her to carry a weapon had been a sore spot over the past few weeks. Jo knew she had the skills to pass muster, but Janine wouldn’t even consider weapons testing her until she’d been in Abel three months. Standard protocol.

Yet another reason it was Janine’s fault she was in this mess.

Had she been carrying, the weapon could’ve covered a retreat instead of driving her further from Abel.

Once the zoms moved on, she stopped and leaned against a tree. _What am I even doing out here?_ _What the hell am I trying to get back to?_

She could easily start again out here on her own. She could fight, she could scavenge, she could run. What else did she need? Certainly not other people, least of all people who’d left her out here to die. She didn’t need them, didn’t owe them anything –

She was spiraling.

She took a deep breath, trying to clear the cobwebs from her mind. _Alone doesn’t work. You know it doesn’t work_.

But she _was_ alone.

She didn’t want to keep moving.

She had to keep moving.

Consciously shutting down, she trudged through the dark forest, unfeeling, until –

“Runner Five, Runner Five, come in Runner Five.”

Sam’s voice, cutting through the static. He sounded exhausted, like he’d been repeating those same words for hours. Jo stopped in her tracks.

He hadn’t abandoned her.

“Runner Five…I don’t know if you can hear me…”

But he kept talking anyway. He could be talking to no one, to nothing. Equipment had broken down, zoms were headed for Abel, all odds were against her, but it was worth it to him to keep calling her anyway.

She squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself not to cry on this side of the gates.

“I guess there’s no better reason you’d make it back than any of the others.”

But there was. She steeled herself. The knowledge that someone had not only come back for her but had never left her in the first place chased the darkness from her mind in one fell swoop. This time was different. She could make it back.

“We put the red beacon on top of the tower, so if you can see it, my best advice is…run.”

Nothing ahead of her. She turned in a circle, finally locating the red light on the horizon. She’d been heading in the wrong direction for hours, but it didn’t matter. She could make it anyway.

Her mind tethered to nothing but Sam’s voice, she started towards the tower.

\- - - - - - -

“So…I’m just going to keep talking for a while.” Sam’s eyes were closed, forehead in his hands. He couldn’t keep looking at the broken scanner, hoping for it to miraculously come back to life and show Runner Five coming home. Nor could he keep watching the few working monitors, full of dark forest, unchanging but for the zoms who occasionally crossed the screen.

“I mean, for all I know, I could be talking into the ear of a zombie. But hey, undead fiend who used to be my friend, Runner Five – at least I can irritate you with the sound of food you can’t get at.” _Nice, Sam. Really nice_ , he thought to himself. If she could hear him, she probably thought he’d lost his mind. 

“I called you my friend just before, didn’t I? Is that cool with you? I mean…well, I’m definitely not your friend if you’ve gone grey. But I feel like we have a kind of…simpatico? something?”

He was reaching, and he knew it. He knew what he felt; he’d been drawn to her since the day she’d arrived, but he’d completely rejected it, mixed up in his feelings about Alice’s death and her sudden arrival. It wasn’t like him to intentionally distance himself from his runners. How could he look to her for validation when he’d pushed her away? For all he knew, she was out there somewhere, shaking her head, wondering how he dared call himself her friend.

Or she was dead.

“Not that we’ve ever really talked. But I guess we’re talking now.” He paused. “Hell…I’ve been so wrapped up in my own head I haven’t even bothered to ask your real name. That’s…yeah. I’m not proud of that.”

She could die out there, nameless to him. She could already be dead.

“So…yeah, well, let’s just talk like normal people, like…buddies, or something.”

He proceeded to wax poetic about the life she must’ve had before all of this. She’d adjusted to being a runner too quickly to not have been something highly skilled. She was so adept, so sure. Imagining it, seeing what she could’ve been before, it kept him focused. There could still be a runner out there, a human being who needed him.

And now he was talking about ice cream rolls. And he couldn’t stop. _Sam, you idiot_ , he thought.

“Do you remember those things? Cake outside, and ice cream in the middle…or was it…was it the other way around? I don’t even remember anymore.” He wasn’t sure Americans even had ice cream rolls. “Hang on, wait, wait, hang on – I’ll go and check.”

Janine would know. Somehow, he decided waking her to ask was a better use of his time than rambling about dessert to someone who was either dead or fighting not to be.

“And um, uh, yeah – if you’re still Runner Five – keep running.”

\- - - - - - -

The radio had been quiet for at least ten minutes. No static this time. Jo was both anxious for Sam to come back and keep talking and amused as she pictured him trying to answer his own question about dessert in the middle of the night. She wasn’t sure what an ice cream roll was – in the U.S., ice cream rolls were those little hipster treats, liquid poured thin on a freezing stone and rolled up like confectionary cigars – but she figured it had to be ice cream on the inside; wouldn’t it just melt and become a mushy mess otherwise?

“Okay, hi.” He was back. Jo breathed a sigh of relief at having something else to focus on besides the zombie-infested night. “Right, so, yeah, um…two things. A) Well, I was right. It was cake outside and ice cream inside. B) Apparently, checking this is not a good reason to wake Janine up in the middle of the night.”

She laughed out loud before clapping a hand over her mouth. She paused, waiting to see if she’d attracted attention. Nothing came. This wasn’t the first time Sam had made her laugh like that, in spite of herself and surrounded by danger. And she could just picture the look on Janine’s face, incredulous that he’d woken her up over dessert. _Good_ , she thought with a smirk, _She deserves that_.

“Want to know what I did before this?”

 _Yes_ , she thought. _I want to know anything and everything you can tell me to keep my attention off these damn woods_.

They hadn’t talked much since that first day, and when they did, it was largely confined to mission specifics. She’d tried a couple of times but couldn’t get much out of him. His reticence was specific to her, but he’d lost the old Five so recently she could hardly take it personally.

Jo liked hearing him like this, unguarded, just talking like he would to a friend.

He was talking about his father now, about how he’d almost failed his degree and the shame it would’ve brought his family if he had. “Huh.” She said out loud. “So we’re both part of the Bastard Fathers Club. That makes a lot of sense.”

Sam kept monologuing, and she kept answering him, whether in her head or very quietly out loud. It lent the situation a sense of normalcy. They were just talking like normal people. Like buddies. Just like Sam said.

He had a sister. A younger, accomplished sister who he assumed was dead. Jo felt tears prick her eyes again. Her brother, her best friend in the world, was definitely dead and had been for a while. All she’d wanted when the apocalypse began was to find him; she hadn’t made it in time.

And his classmate, Steve or Simon or whatever? Someone he’d known before but had no way to track now? It left Jo drowning in thoughts of the people she’d left behind. Everyone she’d ever known was still in the states. Her family, her friends, where were they now? She hadn’t wanted to leave them. Now she’d probably never see them again.

She could hear Sam’s optimism starting to fade, and her motivation was going with it. His monologue was getting darker and darker, going from memories of before to the death of his family to her inevitable demise.

She had to be close to Abel by now. She needed him to be normal.

“Oh, I dunno, Five. They said to me just now I should probably hit the sack sometime soon.” Sam yawned. “They’ll send on someone else to keep sending out pings through the night, but I’ve gotta be honest…we’re losing hope here.”

 _No no no_. _Please don’t give up on me yet._

Suddenly, it was all but over. Jo could see the walls of Abel ahead. Sam was right; zoms were starting to arrive at the gates, and she knew there were more behind her. But she could make it. She had to make it.

“Another good runner gone.” _I’m not gone_. “Another piece of equipment lost. And we’re…” Sam sighed. “The next time I see your face, maybe I’ll have to shoot you in the head.”

She had almost nothing left, but something pushed her to run faster. If she could just get to the gates, just pass in front of a working camera. He had to see her, someone had to see that she was still here.

They couldn’t give up now.

\- - - - - - -

Sam pinched the bridge of his nose, hoping to stop the headache he could feeling coming on. There were zoms at the gates. The horde was surely close behind them. Daylight was just starting to streak the sky. And still no sign of Five.

Sick with dread and exhaustion, Sam felt his thoughts going black. Maybe he’d brought this on with his unwillingness to accept New Five, to treat her like more than a placeholder for Alice. She deserved better than an operator who brushed her to the side, and certainly deserved better than this.

“Maybe you’re better off, see, is what I’m saying. I know we’re not supposed to say that but…but sometimes I think…maybe, if you don’t have to try to build the future, you’re one of the lucky ones. Maybe…” A voice on his headset interrupted him.

“Hey, Sam, you seeing this?” The runner on the gates.

“What? What is it?”

“Something in the trees, man.”

“I told you, the scanner’s down, we can’t…” He looked back to his monitors. Something moved across one of the last working feeds, the one pointed just beyond the gates, something too fast to be a zom. “Oh my god, is that…” She turned, just enough for him to catch a glimpse of her weary, determined face.

It was her.

“Runner Five! I can see you!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wound up splitting this chapter into two because I wrote so much. This was the hurt, click through for some comfort.


	6. Come in From the Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I heard you like 5am vibes, so here you go. This chapter also lays the groundwork for another very important dynamic. Thanks for reading!

_I feel renewed_ _  
I feel disabled  
By these bonfires in my spine  
I don't know who the arsonist was, which incendiary soul,  
But all I ever wanted was just to come in from the cold._

[ _Come in from the Cold – Joni Mitchell_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOfJ7S9f2LM)

Sam could see her. She bit back a sob. _Not yet. You’re almost home_. She ducked through the gathering horde.

“Run, Runner Five! Run, run, run! Raise the gates!”

The second the gates were high enough, Johanna dove, rolling under. She wasn’t spending one more second on the other side.

“We’ve got you Runner Five!” Sam exclaimed, voice thick with emotion. “You’re home!”

She landed on her back, panting up at the lightening sky in disbelief. She’d made it. Again.

“Hey,” the runner on the gates called. “You ok, Five?”

She nodded, slowly getting to her feet. She’d barely regained her footing when Sam collided with her, knocking her backwards and squeezing her so tight she couldn’t quite breathe. “Oh my god,” he said, face pressed into her hair. “You came home. You actually came home.”

Home.

He was crying. But then, so was she. She hugged him back as tightly as she could. It had been a long time since she’d been this close to another person. Somehow, this was ok.

“I’m Johanna, by the way.”

Sam made a noise halfway between a laugh and a sob. “Well, it is very nice to meet you, Johanna.” He pulled back. “You are ok, right? You’re not hurt or shot or bitten or –“

“No, Sam, I’m fine. I’m ok.” She shivered.

“Oh, god, you are freezing, though” he said, gently rubbing her upper arms. He slipped an arm around her shoulders, and Jo leaned into him, grateful for the body heat. “Come on. It’s warm in the comms shack. I’ll make you some tea, get rid of that chill.”

\- - - - - - -

Sam wasn’t sure how he felt about higher powers these days, but he knew something was watching out for this woman. She’d survived more in a month than most of them had in the whole of the apocalypse.

He should’ve resented her for coming home against impossible odds when Alice had not, but he didn’t. Instead, she stood before him a marvel, both exhausted and unbreakable, something more than human and extremely human at the same time.

“So,” he began. “Usually, the first order of business would be to get you bite checked, either by Maxine or Runner Seven, but neither of them is awake quite yet. Max did show me how to do it…”

She waved off his concern. “Yeah, I’m fine with that, no need to wake her.”

He was afraid she’d say that. “Right. So. Unless, you’ve had contact with a zom, Maxine usually just checks bloody or torn spots on clothing. You’ve got some scratches on your arms, but –“

“They’re just from running into branches in the dark,” she finished for him.

“Right. Good. That’s what I thought. Um…” He looked her over. “Your pants don’t seem to be torn, that’s good, but your tank top is…well, it’s sort of shredded, so…”

“Yeah, it’s a mess. I don’t mind taking it off.” Without a word, Five pulled the shirt over her head.

Sam was glad her back was turned, because he felt his cheeks catch fire. Few enough people had ever undressed in front of him, but the way she’d done it so casually and now stood in front of him in just a sports bra stunned him. He could see the lines of muscle in her back and shoulders, along with quite a few scars, and a tattoo along her ribs. He reached out and touched it without thinking. “’Asleep in the arms of the slow swinging seas,’” he read.

“It’s Kipling, a line from –“

“The Seal Lullaby,” he cut her off. “I know it. My mum used to read it to me.”

She smiled at him over her shoulder.

“Anyway…sorry, looking for bites, not tattoos.”

Johanna laughed. “I have far more of the latter.”

The rest of her back was clear, only a couple small scratches, nothing that could’ve been caused by a zom. He brushed her dark curls off the back of her neck. The edge of a peculiar scar peeked out of the top of her sports bra. He gently ran his fingers over it.

“That’s years old.”

He pulled his hand back. “Right. Sorry. Definitely not new.” He paused. “Um…can you…”

She turned around without making him say it. The front of her was clear, even if she was suddenly avoiding his gaze.

“Right. No bites, no scratches. You’re fine.” She nodded, then shivered. “Oh god, I’m such an idiot, here…” He pulled his sweatshirt off and handed it to her.

She wrapped the garment around her and looked at him. “I think I was promised tea.”

Sam laughed. “Yes, definitely. I have a kettle here. Does Earl Grey work?”

Johanna sat down, practically collapsing in to the second chair. “Earl Grey is perfect.”

Sam busied himself with the kettle. “So…” Johanna started, trying to fill the silence between two people who’d never been alone before. “I wouldn’t have guessed engineering.”

He laughed again, suddenly embarrassed. “Oh, God. Don’t tell me you heard my entire monologue?”

“I think I did,” she replied. “It was nice. It kept me…I don’t know, connected. Like it wasn’t just me and the zoms in the dark.” She paused. “You brought me home. Again.”

Sam kept his face out of her line of sight, unsure of how to respond to that. He was grateful when she picked up the conversation.

“I especially heard the part about ice cream rolls. Did you really wake Janine up just to ask her if the ice cream went on the inside or outside?”

He set a mug down in front of her. “I did. And she was very, very upset with me. All, ‘Mr. Yao, your inability to remember the exact configuration of a dessert is not a reason to wake me in the middle of the night. Next time, consult a book and let me sleep.’ Probably not my finest moment.” He thought for a second. “I suppose your coming back safely is a reason to wake her up though…maybe I should go do that.”

Johanna shook her head. “She can find out when she wakes up. It’s not like she was any help getting me here.”

She was angry with Janine, Sam could see that. He could hardly blame her.

“Besides. I’d rather you stayed here anyway.”

He took a sip of his tea, again unsure of how to respond. “So, Five…Johanna…I feel like I’m at a distinct disadvantage here.” She raised her eyebrows. “Yeah, well, you heard basically my entire life story, and I still know absolutely nothing about you. I mean I’ve only just learned your first name.”

She laughed, setting down her mug. “Fair enough. What do you want to know?”

“Uhhh…” Sam thought for a minute. “Well for starters, what did you do before all of this?”

“I was a doctor. A surgeon.”

“Wow, really? Does Maxine know that?” She nodded. “Right. Of course she does. Probably explains why you spend so much time at the hospital.” He’d really gone to a lot of trouble to put this woman from his mind. “I bet you were good at it too.”

“I was,” she said, not immodestly. “I worked really hard. I had to. It was the only way I was getting out of my hometown.” He looked at her, willing her to continue.

She took a deep breath. “I grew up in a really small town. King County, Georgia. It was very rural, and I grew up poor, and neither of my parents were exactly committed to the whole parenting thing. My mom was always disappearing, and my dad was a nasty drunk. My prospects if I’d stayed were…not great. But I was a really good student. So I worked my ass off in school and got a massive scholarship to Johns Hopkins to study pre-med. I did so well as an undergrad that they took me there for med school too. And for my residency. And I was on track to make attending much younger than average, except…”

“The world went to hell?”

She nodded. “Exactly.”

Conversation flowed more easily after that. She told him more about the life she’d wanted, the one she’d thought she had. He could see it in her eyes, how badly she’d wanted all of it, how hard she’d worked to get it, only to have the literal apocalypse rip it away and make her into something else.

“Man, that…that really sucks. I knew you must’ve been something impressive like that. I could just sort of tell, but man. You really had a lot going for you. Not like me.”

Johanna looked at him, something unreadable on her face. Finally, she said, “You shouldn’t feel bad, you know. About being grateful for this sometimes. I don’t really think there’s right and wrong here. I think you just have to feel what you feel.”

Sam was momentarily stupefied. “Wow…that’s…you know, I’ve never told anyone that before. I was always too afraid of what they’d say, but you…thank you for that.” She raised her mug, a pseudo-cheers.

They both sipped their tea in silence for a few moments, unsure in the sudden heaviness. Sam broke it. “Do you have siblings?”

“I had a brother.”

 _Had_. “I’m sorry.”

She tried to smile, but it came up twisted and sad. “Thanks. He died pretty early into all of this. Just lost his way. It’s like you said, no one stays sane through this. I guess it just…got to him more quickly than most people.” She exhaled. “Do you just have the one sister?”

“Yep! Just us two. The pride of the family and the nerdy fuck-up.” He stopped, fully processing what she’d said. “Wait…you said _do_ I just have one sister, not _did_ I.” She nodded. “Even though she’s most likely dead.”

Johanna shrugged. “Or she’s out there somewhere thinking the same thing about you. I’ve seen crazier shit than post-apocalyptic reunions.”

He stared at her again. _Bloody hell, who thinks like this?_ “You are really something, aren’t you?”

She smiled. “Benefits of hindsight. About the only plus I’ve found to living through three years of the American apocalypse is I’ve already been through a lot of this.”

“Wait, hang on, you came here from the states _after_ Z Day?” She nodded. “How exactly did that work?”

She took a deep breath then looked up at him, suddenly much sadder than before. When she answered him, her voice was far away.

“That is a really good question.”

“God. You’ve really been through it then.”

She nodded without looking at him. “Yeah, I kind of have. And without boring you with the details, this shit…it can change a person. Which is why my whole thing upon getting dispatched to Abel was to try to be less of an asshole.”

“Always a solid goal.”

The door to the comms shack banged open just then, startling them both. “Status report, Mr. Yao, have you heard anything yet from…” She spotted his companion, stunned. “Runner Five.”

“Good morning, Janine,” Five replied with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes, and there was an edge to her voice. “Did you sleep well?”

Janine composed herself quickly. “Not particularly. I never do when any of my people are in danger, but I see you are back unharmed. When did you arrive?”

“Oh, not quite an hour ago?”

“And you didn’t report to Dr. Myers immediately for a bite check.” An accusation, not a question.

“Sam took care of it.”

Janine looked at him. He tried to avoid her eyes. The energy in the shack had shifted, become more dangerous. The two women were subtly grapping for dominance, and he wanted no part of it. “You know what you’re doing, Mr. Yao?”

“He does,” Five answered for him. “Maxine trained him, plus I am a doctor myself. He did what I would do.” Janine tried to find a response, but Five cut her off. “Anyway, as I’m sure you’d expect, I’m exhausted and will probably need the entire day to rest. Tomorrow though, Janine, we should talk. How early can that happen?”

Janine was incredulous. “Well. I’m usually awake by 6:00…”

“Perfect! Does seven work then? That way you have time to take care of anything pressing first thing.”

“It would, though debriefs usually go through Runner Seven, I’m not sure I see a reason we should talk –”

“I do.”

Johanna held her gaze for a moment, then longer. It could’ve been minutes or seconds for all the tension in the air. Finally, Sam watched in awe as Janine broke first.

“Yes. Fine. We will speak then. It is certainly good to see you’ve returned home, Runner Five. Mr. Yao.”

Sam turned back to Johanna as Janine left. “How did you do that??”

“Do what?” she asked, still staring after Janine.

“You know what, get Janine to back down, no one does that, not even Runner Eight! And all you did was look at her! Is that another one of your superior apocalypse skills? Seriously, teach me your ways.”

She laughed. “Honestly? That’s just kind of me. I don’t think it’s teachable.”

“Right, well…remind me never to piss you off.”

“Always a solid goal.” She quoted. “Alright, now that the township’s starting to wake up, I should go see Maxine and then get some sleep, and you should do the same. Seriously, you look terrible."

Sam followed her out of the comms shack. “Oh, real nice, great thing to say to the person who just saved your life, not for the first time. I thought you said you were trying to be less of an asshole?”

“Yeah, less. I’m always going to be kind of an asshole. Just in a fun way.”

Sam shook his head in amusement. Honestly, who was this woman?

\- - - - - - -

Maxine quickly gave her a clean bill of health, but not before shrieking in surprise at her presence in the hospital and throwing her arms around her.

“Oh my god, Jo, NEVER do that to me again.”

She’d declared the runner well enough to rest and come back to see her for a full evaluation later. She’d ordered Sam to get some sleep too.

They walked back towards the dorms together, stopping outside A Dorm.

“Well, this is me,” Sam said. “I’m glad you’re alright, Five. Get some rest, ok?”

She smiled. “I will, Sam. You too.” She turned to go.

“Hey, Johanna?” She turned back. “I…I really liked talking to you. I’m sorry I’ve been so…”

She waved him off. “It’s fine, Sam, really. I get it. No hard feelings.”

Jo made her way back to her quarters. She pulled the hood of Sam’s sweatshirt up, trying not to attract attention from the residents who were just starting their days. She was grateful, both for the extra layer and for the fact that he hadn’t been wearing the orange one today. This one was black and had some university logo on it. It smelled like laundry soap and black tea.

She tried to creep into her bunk undetected, but Jody spotted her with a yelp.

“FIVE!” She yelped, bounding across the room to throw her arms around her. “You’re back! Oh my god, we thought…we thought you were gone!”

Jo fought through her discomfort to hug her friend back. “No such luck, Four. I’m not that easy to get rid of.”

“Well, well,” Eight said, appearing in the doorway. “Look who made it back.”

Jo was in no humor for her shit. “Yep. I see you clearly lost sleep over it.” Eight stared back.

“Well I did!” Jody cut in, breaking the tension. “We were so worried about you, Five. I’m so glad you’re home. Maggie will be too when she gets back from the showers.”

Jo squeezed Jody’s hand. “Me too, Jode. But for now,” she said, looking pointedly at Eight, “I think I’ve earned some sleep.”

She flopped onto her bunk, the one directly under Eight’s, and closed her eyes, facing the wall. She heard Jody creep from the room but could still feel Eight’s eyes on her.

“Seriously, Eight, fuck off, I’m in no mood.” She didn’t bother to open her eyes.

Her mind swirled, a mess of the impending meeting with Janine, the ever-present Eight problem, and, most of all, the sudden but not unwelcome shift in her connection to Sam. Sleep blanketed all of it like snow, weighing the thoughts down.

All of it could wait until tomorrow.


	7. Try to Make a Fire Burn Again

_Bless my soul, I fill my bowl,_ _  
I'm not gonna try to understand.  
I wait for time, an easy mind;  
Don't think I'm gonna understand.  
  
Ooh, getting out of hand,  
Don't you want to love me all over again?  
Ooh, coming over me,  
Don't you want to see me, mistreat me?  
_ _And try to make a fire burn again._

[ _Try to Make a Fire Burn Again – Dawn Landes_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEhck_dsE8w)

Janine paced her office, unsettled. It was only a couple of minutes before 7:00, and she was certain Runner Five would be on time.

She couldn’t fathom why the runner had insisted on meeting with her, and she didn’t like the uncertainty. Yes, Five was obviously upset, but what could Janine do about that now? She had come home safely in the end. Runners knew the risks they undertook by agreeing to be in the field. It wasn’t Janine’s responsibility to manage their feelings when things went wrong.

Of course, Runner Five couldn’t know that Mr. Yao hadn’t really woken her when he’d come to ask his inane question about ice cream rolls; she had been lying awake, sick with guilt. She couldn’t know how stupid Janine felt for leading a runner straight into a trap, how she’d wracked her brain trying to figure out what she’d missed. She couldn’t know that Janine still took every loss personally.

There was a knock at the door. Janine took a seat, trying to appear as if she’d been there all along. It wouldn’t do to let a runner see her ill at ease. “Come in,” she called. Five opened the door. “Ah. Good morning, Runner Five. You’re right on time. I trust you’re feeling well?”

Five sat down on the other side of the desk, leaving her pack by her feet. “I am, thank you.” Janine’s subtle attempts to reclaim control clearly didn’t faze her.

“Your efforts yesterday were very impressive, Runner Five. I don’t know too many people who could have made that run. You are clearly an asset to our team.”

Five cocked an eyebrow. “Right.”

Right. No small talk. “What was it you wanted to talk about?”  
  
“You need to clear me to carry a firearm.”  
  
No reasoning, no preamble; Five got right to the point. Janine could appreciate that, even if they’d had this conversation before. “And why should I do that, Runner Five?”  
  
“Simple. I know how to use one, I’m a good shot, and if I’d had one two nights ago I never would’ve gotten trapped in the woods.”  
  
Janine sighed. “Firearms are reserved for the best of the best. Only people truly equipped to carry one.”  
  
“Yeah. That’s me. My brother taught me to shoot when I was sixteen, and I’ve only gotten better. And I know I haven’t really seen anyone around here shoot, but I’m confident I’m as good as any of them.”

“Is that so?”

“Probably better, if I’m honest.”  
  
Janine was starting to feel she wasn’t going to win this; the woman was probably right. She was clearly a capable individual with strong survival skills. But she couldn’t relent, not just yet. “Well, even if I cleared you, weapons are limited; there might not be one available right away.”  
  
“That’s ok, I have my own.”  
  
Janine felt her eyes go wide. “You what?”  
  
“I have my own gun, right here.” She nodded to her pack. “Well, no one checked me for a weapon when I arrived, I wasn’t told to surrender anything, so I still have mine.”  
  
Janine stared at her, miffed by her casual tone. “That is not permitted.”  
  
“No one told me that.” Five softened a bit. “Listen, Janine, I’ve been in your position. I know what it’s like to have to make the calls that you do. It’s never easy, but it’s at least _easier_ when you utilize your assets, to use your word. People are only as effective as you let them be. I am far more effective with a weapon.”

Janine held her gaze while she thought. Five’s eyes sent a clear message: she was right, and she knew it.

“Very well,” she said finally. “I will test your abilities, and if you pass, you may carry your weapon.”

Five smiled, the first genuine one Janine had seen since she’d returned. “Perfect. Could we take care of that right away? I’ll feel much better once it’s done.”

\- - - - - - -

Johanna loaded her gun while Janine set up the target. The meeting had gone exactly as planned; she knew she’d seen enough of herself in the commander to know how to reason with her. People like Janine, no matter how brusque, always understood letting people play to their strengths. Her focus was the good of the Township; letting an expert markswoman carry a gun was in everyone’s best interest.

“Alright, Runner Five. The target is there, a standard distance away. You are to stand behind the line here. Ammo is limited, so you only get six shots. Five of them must be within the ten range.”

“I can do that,” Jo replied, adjusting her stance. “Step behind me please.”

Janine did so. Jo disengaged the safety, aimed her weapon, and took a deep breath. On her exhale, she peeled off six shots, rapid-fire. She didn’t need to see the target up close to know she’d landed them all. She reenabled the safety and turned to find Janine gaping at her.

Jo shrugged, trying to keep the smug satisfaction off her face. “I told you. I’m far more effective with a weapon.”

\- - - - - - -

“Morning!” Five chirped. She plopped down on the bench next to him and stole a piece of toast off his plate.

“Hey! I was eating that!” Sam protested, shielding the rest of his breakfast.

“Not fast enough you weren’t,” she said around a bite, “I’m _starving_.”

“Oh, and I suppose I’m not? You know I was up all night two days ago because someone got lost in the woods, right?”

“Well, sure, but _you_ have snacks at your desk.”

“How do you know about my secret snack stash?”

Five snorted. “Lucky guess.” She took a sip of his coffee.

For a second, Sam felt a bit like he was dreaming. Two days ago he’d hardly said three words to the woman, and now they were bantering at the breakfast table like the oldest of friends. The new familiarity gave him slight whiplash. Not that he was complaining.

“Well, regardless, we basically just met yesterday and you’re already stealing food off my plate.”

She shrugged. “Oh, you know. Ten-foot mountain trolls and all that.”

Sam paused. “Was that a Harry Potter reference?” Jo nodded. “Wait…are you a secret nerd??”

She made a face at him. “Sam, I’ve read six books since I’ve been here. I didn’t think it was a secret.”

He shook his head at her. “And here I thought you were one of the cool kids.”

“Nerds are cool.”

Sam laughed. “Well, you’re certainly in high spirits today. I take it your meeting with Janine went well? Wait…don’t tell me you had anything to do with the gunshots we all heard a little while ago.”

“Actually,” she said, standing to prop her left foot on the bench, “That was me.” A silver-handled gun was holstered to her thigh. Sam dropped his fork.

“THAT’S what you wanted to talk to Janine about??”

She sat back down. “Yep. If I’d had a gun two days ago we could’ve avoided the whole lost in the woods things. Superior apocalypse skills, remember?”

Someone appeared behind them. “The way you wear that gun, you’re begging someone to take it off you.”

“Oh no,” Sam muttered. It was Runner Eight, hands on her hips.

Jo’s eyes hardened. “Maybe you should try it then,” she replied, staring straight ahead. “See what happens.”

“Or, you know, don’t do that, and we all keep our weapons holstered at the breakfast table.” Sam looked between the women, desperate to defuse the sudden tension. Clearly, things weren’t any better between them.

“Does Runner Seven know you have that?”

“Well, Janine’s the one who cleared me, so I assume she passed on the message.”

Eight snorted derisively. “Well, this ought to be a fun new game. Both of us with guns, out in the field, your identity still up in the air…”

“Eight, I am just trying to eat my breakfast, alright?”

“Technically, you’re eating my breakfast,” Sam replied, still trying to lighten the mood.

“That’s a good point, Sam. I should get my own. So if you’ll excuse me, bye.” She left the table with a quick glare at Eight. Now Eight was staring at him. He shifted uncomfortably.

“Be careful with that one, Sam. She’s not going to replace what you lost.” Having dropped that devastating barb, Eight left too. The woman really knew how to cut right to your deepest insecurities, Sam had to give her that. He stared down at his plate, appetite suddenly gone.

Maxine passed her on her way in. She took one look at Eight’s body language and the look on Sam’s face and put together what had happened.

“Oh no.” Maxine took the seat across from Sam. “What did Eight say?”

Sam glanced over to where Five was fixing a plate. “Maxine…do you think I should…I don’t know, avoid being friends with Five?”

“You mean like you’ve been doing? Come on, Sam, you think I haven’t noticed how weird you are around her? I thought her night run fixed whatever that hang up was. You seemed fine yesterday.”

“Yeah, I know, it’s just…I don’t know if I’ve fully processed what happened to Alice yet –”

“That’s because you haven’t.”

“ _And_ ,” he continued, pointedly ignoring her, “I’m just worried my dumb brain is trying to use Johanna as some kind of stand in. Like, what if trying to be friends with her is just me subconsciously trying to replace Alice?”

Maxine sighed. “Sam, I’ve spent a lot of time with her. Other than dark hair and the number five, I really don’t think she has anything in common with Alice.” He made a noncommittal noise. “I’m serious. I mean, sure, they’re both smart and funny and tough, but in totally different ways. Jo’s quick-witted and observant and generous and sort of chaotic? And…well a little scary, if I’m honest.”

“You should see her when Eight’s around.”

“Exactly. She’s a totally different person, and a great one at that. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be her friend. I mean, _I’m_ her friend, and I love spending time with her.”

Maxine shut up as Five retook her seat next to Sam. “Morning, Maxine.” She looked between them. “Woah. Why does something feel weird? Wait, shit, what did Eight say to you?”

“Oh, just more of the same,” Maxine replied. “You know how she can be.”

“Do I ever.

Sam needed to change the subject. “Hey, Five, you said you’ve read, like, six books since you’ve been here, right? Does that mean you have your own books?”

“Sure do! I had a couple with me when I arrived, plus I grab any I see on runs. You want to borrow something?”

“Yes, _please_. I cannot read _Order of the Phoenix_ again.”

“Ooh, me too!” Maxine said, excited. “All I have are medical texts. Very useful, not great bedtime reads.”

“I am sure I can dig something out for both of you.”

“You are the greatest, Jo,” Maxine replied. She looked deliberately at Sam. “Seriously. I think we’re all better off with you here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since there were some Harry Potter references in this chapter, I'd just like to take this opportunity to say FUCK J.K. Rowling and transphobes everywhere. I don't stand for that shit, and neither does Jo. Nor would anyone in Abel, I don't think.


	8. The Cave III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting into some dark stuff now. Content warning for symptoms of a panic attack/PTSD, vomit, descriptions of gore (canon-typical for S1M9), mention of dead children.

_It’s empty in the valley of your heart,_  
 _The sun it rises slowly as you walk  
_ _Away from all the fears and all the faults you’ve left behind._

[ _The Cave – Mumford and Sons_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNy8llTLvuA)

“Fiiiiiive!”

Jo turned towards the squeal just in time to see Molly wrap her tiny self around her legs.

“Well, hi, Miss Molly!” she said, swinging the girl into her arms. “How are you today?”

Molly nodded and babbled something incoherent. Gun to her head, Jo couldn’t have told you what.

“Ummm…”

“She said she did a drawing of you. She loves to draw, isn’t that right Molly girl?” Ed came to her rescue.

“Aha! I would never have gotten that. I do not speak baby. Even when my niece started talking, just…nothing.”

Ed laughed. “Yeah, I don’t think I’d have any idea what Molly was saying if she weren’t mine.”

“Well, I would love to see that drawing, but I am heading out for a run just now. So you’ll show me later?”

“I think we can do that,” Ed replied, taking his daughter from her. “Can you say bye to Runner Five, Molly?”

“Bye, Five!” she trilled. Jo ruffled her hair as she walked away.

That bit of sunshine was exactly what she needed before today’s run. They were sending her back to the helicopter today. There was vital equipment at the site, plus her second pack that had all of her clothing and personal effects. She was anxious to get her hands on that – borrowing underwear from Maxine, though an effective bonding technique, was still weird, even in the apocalypse. But it was not going to be an easy day.

Sam directed her through the gates as he bickered with Janine about the lights. She was the one who needed the tools to upgrade…something. Honestly electronics were not Jo’s strong suit.

“And I’ve got a little surprise for you…” Sam trailed off, but Jo heard the coughing behind her.

 _Fuck_.

“Hey there, Five! Remember me, your old pal, Runner Eight? We’re on the road together again. Isn’t that great?”

Jo rolled her eyes. “Sam, you suck at surprises,” she muttered. Eight’s hot and cold act was more than wearing on her by now. It was the last thing she needed on this mission.

“When Janine told me where you’d be heading today, I insisted I be the one to join you. It should be very interesting.”

The pair ran in silence for a while, which suited Jo just fine. She was having a hard enough time running the same path from that first day without having to expend more mental energy to fend off Eight’s attacks.

“We’re making good pace here, Five.” _So much for that._ “We’re heading into hostile territory. You remember, from your first day in?”

“Not something you forget, Eight.”

“I’m pretty interested to see what we’ll find in that chopper, you know. That’s why I volunteered for this duty.”

“Of course you are.”

Jo forced herself to stare at her feet, focusing on the sound of her steps and not the other woman's voice. She did not need to hear about a mother being forced to kill her own children with a shovel, a story Runner Eight shared in far too casual a tone, even if it explained a lot about her. Everyone had their tragedy these days. Everyone came to be what they were honestly. Take in too much of other people's hurt and you were liable to drown.

“Like they say, we didn’t know ourselves ‘til this happened. You never know what you’re capable of.”

That was exactly what Jo was afraid of.

“Well, I won’t ask your story. You’ll share it when you’re good and ready. No one’s story is ever good, is it, Five?”

“You are right about that, Eight.” She thought about what she’d shared so far, the things she’d told Maxine and Sam. It was her all true, but it hardly came close to the worst of her story.

Apparently what Janine was working on required the comms to go dead for a few minutes. Jo was not happy with this idea, and it sure sounded like Sam wasn’t either.

“Yeah, apparently it can’t wait.” He sighed. “They’re switching off transmission _and_ scanner. Only for a few minutes! You’re on your own, guys. You’ll be fine."

“Unless, we turn on each other, hey?” Eight elbowed her, like it was an inside joke.

“Very cute, Eight.”

They were getting closer to the site of the crash now. Jo’s heart was starting to pound, the hairs on the back of her neck stood at attention. A dull ringing crept into her ears as the very edges of her vision started to go dark.

Deep breaths. _I can see trees, a bird, Runner Eight, the sky, the mic from my headset_.

“Sorry about this, guys. You know, if I could do it all myself…”

“You’d be a very valuable asset to this base, Mr. Yao.” The transmission cut off.

_I can touch this tree trunk, the straps of my pack, my own face, my gun_

“So, we’re on our own, huh?” Eight asked, seemingly oblivious to her distress. “Just as we reach the chopper, and…”

 _I can hear the breeze, Eight’s voice, something wheezing_ … She stopped.

“Holy…is that your pilot?”

Jo wanted what she saw to be wrong. She wanted the bloody figure in front of her to be an apparition, a manifestation of stress. But if Eight could see her? Then she was real.

Callie, the pilot, the lone friendly face out of Mullins that grey morning. The woman was a ruin. Half her face was gone, teeth marks from the hungry dead marking her cheeks, her neck, her arms, hair caked with blood from the headwound that had not been fatal after all. She’d been ripped to pieces, the agony still etched into her features.

Jo had left her behind, and this had happened.

“She must have been left, half-eaten like that, strapped into her seat in the chopper..”

_Shut up, Eight, shut up shut up shut up_

She barely heard the woman tell her to run, barely internalized the plan. Her body reacted on instinct, carrying her panic-dulled mind out of the reach of the fiend she’d created. She didn’t know how long she ran, senses shutting down rather than letting the panic take over.

God, where was Runner Eight?

Where was Sam?

\- - - - - - -

Sara dug through the wreckage of the chopper. She hadn’t spotted a second body, which made it far less likely that their Five was an imposter. That look on the girl’s face when they’d stumbled upon the pilot was guilt, pure and uncut. It could’ve been guilt for something she’d done or simple survivor’s guilt. Sara was plenty familiar with the latter. She hadn’t been fully comfortable leaving Five to distract the zom while she investigated, not as all the color drained from her face, but it simply couldn’t be the other way around. If there was something to find here, Sara had to be the one to find it.

She quickly located the supplies Janine had requested, along with the bag of Five’s things. When she picked up the pack, a small card fell out. “Well, well,” she said to herself. “This certainly is interesting.”

She rendezvoused with Five just as she drove her knife through the pilot’s head. The wild look in her eyes hadn’t subsided, and her hands were shaking. Sara handed her the pack and some of the supplies.

“Well, you know what I found back there? Your ID.” She held up the card. “It’s looking pretty good for you. There’s your picture, there’s your military cred. Guess you’re just a raw recruit like the rest of us, huh?”

If Five heard her, she didn’t show it. Her eyes were still fixed on the pilot’s body.

“I hope you don’t mind, Runner Five,” she continued, “But I guess I’ll be handing this to the Head of Runners when we get in. Just because, you know, a bunch of us were wondering who you really were, and this…well, this is looking really great for you.”

Five looked like she was going to be sick.

“Imagine what I would have had to do out there if I’d found someone else’s ID in that chopper?” She prodded, trying to coax out that fighting spirit of hers. “Just imagine. Wouldn’t have wanted old Sam to hear that. He’s a good kid.”

Still nothing. This was bad. Five was always quick to defend herself, quick to make sure everyone knew she was able to. She couldn’t have a runner going catatonic in the field. Sam and Janine came back on the radio, and Five looked up. Sara thought she was reacting to Sam’s voice until she clapped a hand over her mouth. Jesus, she really was going to be sick.

“Alright, none of that, not out here. You don’t throw up on this side of the gates. Come on, let’s run.”

Sara hurried the runner back to Abel, trying to distract her with stories of the early days. None of it seemed to get through until she mentioned Project Greenshoot, barely a flicker in her eyes.

“But that’s not for now, not when we need to get you back home, and certainly not at the base with prying ears. We’re almost there. Gates are just ahead.”

Five was barely through them before she threw up her breakfast.

“Alright, Five, get it all out,” Sara said, patting her back. “I’m sure that was hard to see. We’ve all had those days.”

The girl started to stand, then doubled over again, retching. There was only bile left, but she kept coughing, tears streaming from her eyes.

“Good lord, girl, get a hold of yourself. Not like it was the first time you’ve seen a dead one up close, right? Pull it together.”

“I thought she was dead.”

Sara furrowed her brow. “What’s that?”

Five stood up. “I said I thought she was dead!” She spat the words, clearly angry with herself, not Sara.

She laid a hand on her shoulder. “Well of course she was dead, Five, she was a zom –”

Five pushed her off, “Don’t touch me,” she snarled. “I meant her brain, I thought…after the crash, her head wound, I thought…” She retched again.

Eight understood then why she’d clammed up back at the crash site. “Five, you couldn’t have known.”

“I don’t leave people to turn,” she said, her voice barely a whimper. “That’s not me.”

Sara sighed. “No, I reckon it’s not. But you couldn’t have known, truly. If you’d waited around any longer at that crash site you never would’ve made it back here. There’s no shame in saving your own skin.”

Five wouldn’t look at her, just screwed up her features and drove the heel of her hand into one eye. Sara knew that look. Tunnel vision. A symptom of PTSD. She took Five by the elbow, ignoring her protests, and started to guide her towards the hospital. “Come on, let’s get you somewhere quiet, hey?”

They crossed Sam as they walked, his face immediately going white when he saw Five. “Jo, what happened, what’s wrong? Eight, what did you do?”

“Nothing, Sam,” she said coolly. “Five is fine, we’ve just had a bit of a turn. She just needs a minute, and she’ll be right as rain.”

“What can I do? Do you need anything?”

“Nothing the doctor can’t provide. Go find Runner Seven for me, will you? I have something for him.” Sam looked like he wanted to argue but thought better of it.

_Smart kid_.

\- - - - - - -

Jo sat on a cot, head between her knees. Her peripheral vision had almost completely returned, but her head was still pounding. The sweat on her body cooled, leaving her to shiver.

Maxine had tucked her into a back corner of the hospital where she wouldn’t be disturbed. Eight was still watching over her.

“You should drink more of this,” she ordered, pressing a water bottle into her hand.

Jo didn’t have the strength to argue. It had been a while since her last full-blown panic attack. She took the bottle and drank.

“Atta girl.” Eight patted her leg. Her sudden shift from mistrustful to maternal did nothing to stop Jo’s mind from spinning. The shock of her pilot’s state hadn’t left room to process anything else at the chopper. Of course Eight had found her ID. Of course it had her picture and her cred. It was everything she’d been saying for the past few weeks.

The curtain around the bed moved. “Ah! Runner Seven. We found Five’s ID back at the chopper, and I thought you’d like to see it. Seems our new friend has been telling the truth all along.”

If her head hadn’t been throbbing, she would’ve rolled her eyes.

“Good to hear, Five,” Seven responded. “This is what they gave you at Mullins?”

“You want me to verify the information?” Jo asked dryly.

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” Eight responded.

“No, not necessary at all. I’m sure this will be a relief to everyone, not least of all you,” Seven said. He pocketed the card. “Thank you both for your work today. See that she gets some rest, Eight.”

“Will do.” Eight turned back after Seven had left. “You feeling well enough to stand yet?”

Jo nodded, taking Eight’s outstretched hand.

“PTSD’s a nasty business. I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but you’ve usually got a better handle on it, right?”

She nodded again. “Yeah. That hasn’t happened since Mullins, and I was in a dark place then. I’ve been better here.”

“I can see that. Your picture…they take that the first day?”

“Yep. No combs or anything like they have for you on school picture day either.” Deflecting with humor had always been her strong suit.

She hadn’t seen the ID today, but she didn’t need to see it to know what Eight meant. They’d taken the photo soon after she’d woken up that first day. Her eyes were bloodshot and disoriented, dark circles ringing them, her hair a rat’s nest, plus she’d had a split lip and a bruise across her cheekbone. She sincerely hoped Seven would keep it to himself; it reminded her of someone she no longer cared to know. She didn’t want anyone else meeting that person either.

She walked with Eight back to their quarters. She caught a few concerned looks, but with Eight by her side no one bothered her. It was the first time she’d ever been grateful to have Sara around.

“Alright, Five, I’ve got some work to do, so this is where I leave you.” Eight hung back in the doorway. “I don’t know when we’ll have a chance to talk again, but I’ll make sure it’s soon. You just get some rest for now, alright?”

Jo nodded. She sunk gratefully onto the bed. A note crinkled under her pillow:

_Hey Five!_

_I’m really sorry again about the run today – I knew you and Runner Eight would be fine on your own out in the field, but I really don’t like leaving my runners in the lurch like that._

_You seemed a little rattled when you got in, so I’ve set aside the last few chocolate digestives for you if you fancy stopping by the comms shack later for a cuppa!_

_x Sam_

For the first time since her run, Jo smiled. Suddenly, sleep wasn’t what she needed.

\- - - - - - -

Sam leapt out of his chair, when she knocked, a little more enthusiastically than he meant to. “Five!” He pulled her into a hug. Seeing her earlier, clearly shaken, with only Eight for company, had unsettled him more than he realized. “Are you alright?”

She sat in his extra chair. “Better now, thanks.”

“Good. Here, I’ll make you that tea I promised.”

“And chocolate. You also promised chocolate. Although I have no idea what a digestive is.”

“It’s a type of biscuit.”

“…like the biscuits and gravy kind?”

“What?? Oh…right. I think you Yanks call them cookies.”

“Now that I understand.”

He fixed her tea the same way he had that early morning, handing it to her with the aforementioned digestives. He sunk into his chair. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

She took a long sip of her tea. “Not really. But I probably should.”

“Only if you want to.”

She was quiet for a long time. Sam left it alone.

“We found my pilot back at the crash site. She had turned.”

“Oh,” he replied, a bit puzzled. “I mean, yeah, I guess that would be upsetting. Someone you knew.”

“It wasn’t just that. The day we crashed…I thought she was dead. Like _fully_ dead. She had this huge headwound, which I thought had gotten through to her brain. I made a point of looking, because I wasn’t just going to leave her to turn. I don’t do that, it’s just…”

“Part of your code?”

“Exactly. Ultimately it is us vs. the dead. We shouldn’t let another human turn, no matter who they are.”

Sam reached over to squeeze her hand. “I’m sorry. That must’ve been awful. You didn’t do anything wrong, though. You know that right?”

She nodded. “Yeah, Eight said as much. Doesn’t make it any easier.”

“Yeah, I guess not.” She pulled her hand from his to pick up her mug again. “On the plus side, I heard Eight found your ID. You’re officially who you say you are and not some weird, evil, super spy, hell bent on our destruction.”

“There is that. I suppose I’ll be hearing about it for the rest of the day.”

“Hm. You wanna just hang here for a little while?”

“You don’t mind?”

“Of course not.”

“Then yes, I’d really appreciate that. And!” Jo reached into her bag. “I brought you a new book. _The Road_ by Cormac McCarthy. You haven’t read it, have you?”

He took the novel from her. “I have not. What’s it about?”

“Father and son trying to survive a post-apocalyptic wasteland.”

“Ahh, yes, exactly the kind of escapist fiction I’m looking for.”

Jo laughed. “Oh yeah, it’s the perfect beach read.” She pulled out a second book. “I even found an Agatha Christie for myself. She’s my favorite. Granted, I’ve read _Murder on the Orient Express_ before, but not recently. In any case, I can read this and not bother you.”

“Pfft. As if you could.”

“Is that a challenge?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What Jo did when her panic attack started is a grounding technique that is my favorite way of getting through panic attacks. Name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, one thing you can taste.


	9. Olalla

_From Olalla to the city lights,  
_ _Somebody told me to believe in better times.  
_ _From Olalla to the city lights,_  
_Somebody told me to believe,  
_ _To believe._

[ _Olalla – Blanco White_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnrG7M69emY)

“Remind me how this goes again?”

Sam wheeled himself over to where Maxine was sitting at the comms desk. “Okay. First, tell Justin Myles, Runner 18, on the door, to raise the gates.” Maxine did so and was rewarded with the sound of the gate siren. “Then ask if Runner Five is ready.”

“Runner Five, ready?” Maxine asked. “What do I do if Runner Five’s not ready?”

“Oh, Runner Five’s always ready.”

Maxine heard Five laugh through the headset. “Ready,” she responded, raising a hand.

“And, see, because she is very professional, she gives you both visual and verbal confirmation.”

Still slightly uneasy on the controls, Maxine sent her out. Today’s run was to the university buildings for a confocal microscope. They were finally, _finally_ digging into the box Five had found on her first run in. The hospital was in better shape than ever, so she finally had the time.

Maxine largely had Jo to thank for this; having a runner with medical knowledge was even more valuable than she’d expected. Maxine could make her a list without having to explain what to look for or what would be a good substitute. She hadn’t even had to explain what a confocal microscope was before sending her out this morning. When Jo wasn’t in the field, she could stock and reorganize supplies while Maxine tended to patients. She’d even started taking a shift a week at the hospital to see routine patients so Maxine could tend to her research uninterrupted.

If anyone should be here to help figure out what was in the “mystical box of mystery,” as Sam called it, it was a fellow doctor putting her ass on the line.

“Yeah, that seven year degree I got was in Mystical Mystery. You, Five?”

“Witchcraft and Wizardry for me, Max. Far less theoretical.”

“Oh, you two are mean,” Sam said, pretending to pout.

Maxine laughed. “You weren’t one of those people who believe in those anti-zombie charms at the start of the outbreak, were you?”

Five snorted. “You guys had those?”

“Obviously not!” Sam argued. “And I never got a special protective tattoo either!”

“You guys had THOSE??”

“What?” Maxine said, “Those tattoos people got on their bu-“

“You will never see that bit of me to find out!” Sam protested, cheeks starting to turn pink. “Besides, do you see me having got bitten by a zombie? Maybe it worked!”

Five had stopped running. A camera caught her expression, like a kid on Christmas morning. “Oh. My. GOD. Sam, you have an anti-zombie tattoo on your ass??”

Sam blushed to the tips of his ears. “No! I very clearly said I did not get one of those tattoos! Why would you even think that?”

“Because you’re the one who brought it up! Oh my god, this is the most important thing in the world right now.”

“More important than the mission?”

“What, the thought of you dropping trou for anti-zombie ink? Absolutely. I honestly cannot think of anything I’d rather be talking about.”

“Oh, keep running, you.” Five followed instructions, still laughing.

“After this mission, I have an invisible rabbit to sell you,” Maxine said, benevolently bailing him out. As much as she wanted to see where this went, she also knew how easy it was to make Sam blush. Letting Five continue to torment him about what may or may not be hidden under his clothes was like throwing him to the wolves. Sam was an easy mark, but no one made him blush quite their very pretty new friend.

She led Five on to the university. She made excellent time, just like she always did, but the zombies started to converge on her from all over campus. “It’s like they know Runner Five is there!” Maxine remarked.

“Yeah, they’ve got extra tingly spider sense, or hearing, one of those.”

“Probably smell,” Five put in. “That’s what we always thought. I mean, sure, they’re drawn by noise, but I’m not making enough to draw that many.”

“Hm…that does make sense…” Maxine observed.

“We need you to grab what you can from that tent and keep running, Five!” Sam was starting to worry; Maxine could see it on his face.

What she found was a case with Maxine’s name on it, along with the numbers VS-72. Maxine squinted at the screen, trying to make out the handwriting. This was almost certainly the lab where Paula was working after the outbreak. Who else would’ve left anything for her?

Maxine wracked her brain, trying to remember what Paula had said about VS-72. It was important, something they were working on towards the end, it was…

Suddenly, it dawned on her. It couldn’t be.

“Paula had been talking about the possibility of it, but there was no time to synthesize, no time for trials…”

“Well, don’t leave us hanging, Doc!” Sam encouraged. “What’s in the box?”

She shook her head in disbelief. “If it’s VS-72, it could be…it could be the start of a vaccine.”

“Holy shit, “Johanna breathed. “Research got that far?”

“Well, I can’t be sure until I look at it, but we had lead time from the states, scientists were already working when our outbreak hit.”

Sam took the mic back, “Five, you’ve got to get out of there, six more zombies have joined the pack heading towards you.”

“Copy that, Sam. Maxine, where am I headed for the microscope?”

“No! No microscope, you have to go now!”

“Sam, if we have the start of a vaccine here, plus whatever’s in that CDC box? I can’t afford to not get a microscope. Maxine, point me.”

\- - - - - - -

Five made it back. Of course she made it back. But it didn’t make Sam any happier with her decision to go further into campus when he’d told her to run.

“Dammit, Five, you could’ve been hurt!” He’d walked with her from the gates back to the hospital. So far she was shrugging off his concern, which was maddening.

“It was a calculated risk, Sam,” she said, handing the case and microscope to Maxine. “If Maxine is right about this? It’s way more important than any one runner. Back me up, Max.”

“Oh no,” Maxine said, “I am not getting in the middle of this. Sam’s got a dangerously protective streak when it comes to his runners.” She paused. “Although she does have a point, Sam.”

“Maxine!”

“About how important this case is, not whether or not she’s expendable. Of course Jo isn’t expendable. If there had been literally any other way to get the microscope, we would’ve done that.”

“Exactly,” Jo said. “But there wasn’t another way, so I did what I had to.” She put a hand on his arm. “I’m better at surviving than the average person. You of all people know that.”

He sighed, relenting. “Fine, just…don’t make habit of it, ok?”

“I won’t,” she said, before following Maxine back for a bite check.

Sam sat on a cot, head in his hands. He’d damn near panicked when Jo went off route. He’d just gotten used to the idea of having her around, working through his own hang ups to enjoy the new dynamic with the new runner. They’d suddenly become important to each other.

Things had changed pretty rapidly for her after Eight found her ID. Misgivings gone, she became the go-to for a lot of important missions, which only made her more impressive to the other residents, and the runners were far more at ease trying to befriend her. Sam had sort of expected to compete for her attention. In reality, the opposite had happened.

Jo didn’t like people fussing over her, especially not in groups, and the runners could be an overwhelming bunch. She was happy to join in for movie nights and yoga classes and the like, but when it got to be too much she always came to Sam. She made a habit of reading in the comms shack when he wasn’t guiding a run. He’d gotten so comfortable with her presence that one day they’d sat in silence for almost fifteen minutes before he’d even realized she was there, which she’d found hilarious. She knew he was always happy to leave her alone or sit and talk, whichever she needed that day. In turn, he felt some of his unresolved pain from Alice’s death slipping away. Life was moving on, strange as it felt. New people came into your life. It wasn’t a bad thing.

The women emerged from behind the partition. “All clear?” Sam asked.

Nothing sneaky hiding under your clothes?” He realized his mistake almost immediately.

Jo’s face twisted into a smirk. “Like an anti-zombie ass tattoo, you mean?”

He buried his blushing face in his hands. “Alleged! Alleged ass tattoo!”

She stuck her tongue out at him as she walked out the door, cackling.

Sam shook his head. Maxine was staring at him, an amused expression on her face. She raised her eyebrows.”

“What?”

“Oh, nothing…” she said, purposely trailing off.

“Seriously, Maxine, what?”

She shrugged, busying herself with the case Five had retrieved. “Oh, you know, you two just seem to be getting along so well lately…”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Oh, don’t you start. Johanna is my friend, just like she’s yours, you don’t need to be getting any ideas about…” He stopped.

Maxine was no longer listening to him and was instead staring into the case with a pained expression.

“Maxine? What is it?”

She held up a CD in trembling fingers. “It’s Paula’s handwriting.”

\- - - - - - -

Jo curled up on the rec room couch, enjoying the common space alone for once. She knew it wouldn’t last long. The day was sort of overcast, threatening rain; other runners would retreat in here soon enough.

Usually, if she wanted quiet, she’d be in the comms shack, but she figured she’d give Sam a break from her since she’d upset him. She should’ve expected going against his instructions to affect him so much; she felt bad about it, but she didn’t regret making the call. He was good at his job, but so was she. Being able to calculate risks was one of her specialties. They needed the microscope, and the way the dead were swarming the university wouldn’t be passable again. So long as they didn’t tear her apart, she would’ve been fine regardless. But of course, Sam couldn’t know that.

She turned her attention back to the Atwood in her hands. She barely got through a page before people burst through the door. Jody, Maggie, and Simon, shaking off the first drops of rain. “Hey Five!” Jody called.

“Hey guys,” she responded, eyes still on her book, hoping they’d get the message.

Always overly-familiar, Simon sat down too close to her and slung an arm around her neck. She jumped at the intrusion. “Afternoon, Five!”

She wriggled out of his grip. “Three, I feel like we’ve had the ‘don’t touch me when I’m not expecting it’ conversation before.”

“Maybe you should just always be expecting it.”

“Maybe you should respect boundaries,” Maggie retorted from across the room.

Jo pointed at her, eyes on Simon. “That. You should do that.”

Simon, like he always did, just chuckled. “I’m surprised you’re even in here, Five. Thought you were spending all your downtime with Sam lately.”

She didn’t miss the implication. “That’s because Sam doesn’t bother me when I’m reading,” she said, eyes back on the page. It was useless. She wasn’t going to be able to focus now. She put the book down with a huff. “But I guess that’s too much to ask from you. What are y’all up to?”

“It started raining, so we were gonna play Monopoly,” Jody answered. “Wanna join us?”

“Only if I get to be the cannon,” she said, joining Jody and Maggie on the floor.

“I was going to be the cannon!” Simon protested. Jody shot him a look and handed the token to Jo. “All these ladies, ganging up on me. Not that I’m complaining.” Jo elbowed him in the stomach.

“Shut up and roll, Three,” Maggie said.

“Wait, why does he get to roll first?” Jo asked.

“Oldest goes first. One of those arbitrary rules we had to make to keep stupid fights from breaking out,” Jody responded.

“And we’re sure Simon’s oldest?”

“Well, I’m 27,” he said, “And these two are 24 and 26, respectively,” indicating Maggie then Jody, “And you can’t be much older than our Jodes here. So yes, I go first.”

“Oho, not so fast, young one,” Jo said, holding her hand out for the dice. “29. Gimme.”

“You’re lying.”

“Am not, ask Seven,” she said, indicating the newcomer in the doorway. “He’s seen my ID.”

“Ask Seven what?” Evan looked wary of stepping into their conflict.

“You catch my age when you checked my ID?”

“Ah. You’re deciding who rolls first. I did. And we haven’t hit your birthday yet this year, so you’re still 29. But it doesn’t matter, because I’m playing, and none of you can possibly argue you’re older than a man in his 40s.” Evan sat down and took the dice from Jo.

“Are you really 40, Seven?” Simon asked. “Blimey, you look great. What’s your secret?”

“Not being as vain as you, I imagine.”

The three women roared with laughter. Evan was often quiet, but damn if he wasn’t quick.

“Oh, laugh it up ladies, meanwhile you all get to enjoy this perfect specimen of man,” Simon said, flexing. Jody and Maggie threw Monopoly money at him. Jo snapped his headband.

These were the moments that made Abel feel like home. The moments when she could forget her past, even her apocalyptic present, and feel like everything was ok; she was just playing a board game with friends. As she looked around at their faces, she saw the familiar, early-apocalypse optimism she’d known so well in that first year, the belief that things couldn’t stay this bad, that the human spirit would triumph sooner rather than later.

It didn’t last.

But they didn’t need to know that yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I write this entire chapter in one sitting because I'm stressed about the results of the Georgia Senate runoff? Yes, yes I did. My liberal Georgian Five and I are anxiously awaiting results.
> 
> Side note: I almost glossed over this mission, but then I remembered the bit about Sam and his tattoo and thought, "Yep, we all need to know how Jo would react to that."


	10. Eight I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for nightmares, mental health issues, implied domestic abuse.

_I want to break these bones ‘til they’re better;  
_ _I want to break them right and feel alive._  
_You were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong,  
_ _My healing needed more than time._

[ _Eight – Sleeping at Last_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obi4KCh6eHQ)

Sara woke with a start, blinking in the early morning darkness. Something had hit her, though she couldn’t pinpoint what or from where. She felt it again. No, it was a kick, something from below. “What in the name…” A third kick, this time accompanied by a shout. Sara exhaled as she realized. It was Five, in the throes of yet another nightmare.

They’d gotten worse in the days since their recovery mission at the chopper. During the day she was fine, but at night, with her mind unguarded? Less so. Whatever work she was doing with the doctor was not helping. They could call them meds runs all they wanted; Sara knew better. No one got that shaken up gathering penicillin alternates. Five had returned from one of those runs looking hollow and hadn’t left her bunk for the rest of the night. Sara had spotted Dr. Myers puffy-eyed in the cafeteria later.

Maggie, also on a lower bunk, got to her first. “Five! Five, wake up, it’s just a dream!” Jody was sitting up, looking terrified, like her sleep-swaddled mind hadn’t quite worked out what was going on.

“Careful, Six,” Sara cautioned, climbing down to join her. The warning came too late. Maggie yelped as she was thrown backwards, clutching her face where it had met Five’s elbow “Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of.” Sara had met enough people like Five to know hers were the sort of nightmares that made you fight.

Sheets were twisted around her small body, slick with sweat, her face contorted. By fear or agony Sara wasn’t sure. At a certain point, there wasn’t really a difference. Whatever it was, it had her in an iron grip. Sara seized the girl’s wrists with one hand and patted her cheek with another.

“It’s just a dream, Five, open your eyes. Come on now, girl, don’t let it win.” She sat bolt upright, eyes wide. Sara caught her shoulders and could feel her shaking. “Hey, hey now, it’s alright. You’re home in Abel, safe and sound.” Her tension softened as Sara released her. “There’s a girl.”

Five looked around as her eyes adjusted to the dark. “Oh, shit, Maggie…” Immediate deflection to someone else’s problem. How very like her.

Maggie shook her head, wincing. “It’s alright, Five, really. You didn’t mean to.”

“Four, there’s a first aid kit out in the common area that should have an instant cold pack. Take Six and get it for her eye,” Sara ordered. She needed Five alone.

If there’s one thing Sara had figured out about Five, it was that she didn’t like an audience. She was plenty social, but she didn’t want attention, and she didn’t want help. There were very few people she let see her in a moment of weakness. She was only going to talk with Jody and Maggie out of the room.

“Was it the pilot again?”

Five buried her face in her hands. “Among other things.”

“I thought as much. That’s the third time this week.”

“Sorry,” she said, sarcastic.

“I wasn’t looking for an apology, Five. It happens to the best of us.”

She dropped her hands. “I’m fine. You should go back to sleep.”

“Are you going back to sleep?”

It took a moment for her to answer. “Probably not.”

“Then neither am I. Judging from the sky it’s not that much earlier than I’d usually be up. Come on. Get your shoes.”

\- - - - - - -

As it turned out, Sara made an excellent partner when she wasn’t threatening to kill you.

Jo had been spending more time with her in the field; her identity finally confirmed, they worked well together. When a New Canton spy had made off with several laptops and memory devices, Janine had asked for them specifically. They’d run her down with little trouble. There wasn’t much of anything their complementary skills couldn’t handle.

All of that, however, didn’t make her any more comfortable following Sara out of the dorms in the middle of the night. She wasn’t sure where the senior runner was taking her.

“So…I take it this is when you finally kill me?”

“Do you always deflect with dark humor?”

“Pretty much, yeah. But I’m only like…80% joking.”

Sara chuckled. “I’m not going to kill you, Five. We’re the dream team, remember? Now that I’m sure of who you are it’s much better to keep you around."

“Well then, I’ll try to remember to keep being too useful to kill.”

Sara opened the padlock around the training grounds and led her over to the small boxing area; just two heavy bags, a single set of mitts and gloves, and not nearly enough room for that many people to use the space at once.

Jo was confused and admittedly still half asleep. “Do…you want me to punch my nightmares?”

Sara tossed her a pair of wraps and wound a second pair around her own hands. “Oh, nothing as symbolic as that. You and I have so little free time, I figured it was about time I taught you how to fight."

Jo looked at her, mid-wrap, insulted. “I know how to fight.” 

Sara clicked her tongue. “I’ve seen you spar during training. You’re quick; probably never have any trouble with someone bigger than you. You knocked Simon on his ass yesterday without even getting winded. But what if you had to fight someone your size?”

“No one’s my size.”

“Closer to, then. Someone like me.”

Five fiddled with the wraps. “My brother taught me how to fight, Sara. I know what I’m doing.”

“Mhm, and was he your size? Or something closer to Simon?” Her silence was a response. “Exactly. Your style is entirely evasive. You have to know how to go on the offensive _and_ block hits from people who can actually catch you.” Sara tossed her the gloves and put on the mitts herself. “Alright, your stance is good, just sink into it a little more. You’re not that hard to knock over, so you want to lower that center of gravity as much as possible. Now show me your jab.” Jo threw her right hand into the mitt. Sara gave her a withering look. “Like you mean it, please.”

“Alright, Jesus, I was asleep five minutes ago you know.”

“And you hit Maggie a lot harder when you were asleep. There’s more power in there” Jo punched again. “Much better. Now cross.” Another hit. “Shift your weight this time.”

“I am shifting my weight.”

“No, you’re just turning your foot. Put your weight behind it. All the power in a cross comes from your hip, not those skinny arms of yours.”

“God, if you were going to keep being so bitchy we could’ve stayed enemies,” Jo grumbled.

Sara laughed, a genuine sound. “You didn’t really think I’d go any easier on my friends, did you? You think I give a shit if my enemies can fight? Honestly, I’d rather they can’t. It just makes my job easier. But you? I’m going to keeping kicking your ass because I know you can handle it. Now, cross again.” Jo’s glove connected to the mitt with a crack this time. “Good! That’s it. Now let’s see if you can do it without me insulting you first.”

They went through the rest of the punches before moving on to combinations. Nothing Jo didn’t know, nothing her brother hadn’t made sure she knew as a kid. But, just like Sara suspected, he’d focused a lot more on avoidance. With a mercurial drunk in the house, you were always safer knowing how to dodge and run rather than stay and fight.

Her brother, seven when she was born, fell into the natural protector role the first time their mother had disappeared; Jo was only about three months old at the time. Today, armed with medical knowledge, Jo knew she was probably suffering from postpartum depression and needed help. But as a kid, all she’d known was that her mother hadn’t wanted to be around her when she needed her most.

Her mother’s mental health issues never really resolved themselves, and she always dealt with them by disappearing for weeks on end. She’d return from her dalliances with the outside world shiny and new and ready to be mom again, but it never lasted long. Again, as an adult with some perspective, Jo knew her mother was just trying to survive, same as her children.

Her father, though always present, was equally inconsistent, and always drunk. The question was always whether he drank at home or out somewhere and what his mood would be when he was done.

Sparring with Sara took her right back to her brother’s boxing lessons in the backyard, always planned around her father’s absences. He’d caught them once; they were just lucky it was on a day he felt derisive instead of downright mean.

 _“Girls can’t fight, Shaney,”_ he’d mocked. _“Ain’t what they’re for. You’re wasting your time, boy.”_ She’d been 10 at the time. She spent the rest of her childhood listening to what her father said girls couldn’t do and made sure she did all of them. 

Sara swept a leg under her feet, knocking Jo out of her head and onto her ass. “What the HELL, Eight??”

“You stopped paying attention.”

“I –” She started to protest but knew it was useless. Sara was right, like she so often was. She begrudgingly let the other woman help her up.

The sun was just starting to rise. “Alright,” Sara said, taking off the mitts, “I think you’ve had enough for one day, yeah? Let’s get some breakfast.”

\- - - - - - -

The cafeteria was mostly empty, the majority of the residents having yet to start their days. Jo put her tray down opposite Simon. “You’re up awfully early.”

“I rise with the sun, Five! Got to be ready to seize the day.”

“That is a bald-faced lie, Three,” Sara said, putting her tray down next to Jo. “There’s a reason you don’t get scheduled for the early morning stuff.”

“Oh, fine, you’ve got me there Eight. I just…let’s say I couldn’t stay in bed too late today. Could say the same thing about you two, though.”

“Oh Five and I were just squeezing in some early morning training. Great way to start the day.”

“Yeah, tell that to my bruised tailbone,” Jo mumbled.

“Oh hush, you’ll be fine. I didn’t knock you down any harder than you did Three.”

“Fair enough,” Jo conceded, smirking at Simon. “How are those bruises of yours, Three?”

“You mean these badges of honor?” he asked, lifting his shirt to show the bruises on his ribs from where she kicked him and thrown him off his balance. “I wear them with pride. It’s not every day you get your ass kicked by the lovely Runner Five.”

Jo snorted. “Happy to oblige. Literally anytime.”

“Oh man, you knocking down Simon was EPIC, Five!” Kytan and Yang had joined them; Cameo couldn’t be far behind. “Everyone was like, ‘What?? She’s gonna fight Three??’ and you were just like ‘I’ve got this, NINJA KICK!’”

Jo winced. Kytan’s energy was a lot any time of day, but especially before the sun had fully risen.

“Seriously, Five.” Cameo, right behind them as expected. “Can you show us how to do that?”

“You should really ask Eight,” Jo said, swallowing a mouthful of toast. “She knows far more than I do.”

“Admitting you just got lucky, Five?” Simon asked

Ignoring him, she continued, “But when it comes to Simon, just let him tire himself out. Then he’s no trouble.”

Simon stood, feigning outrage. “Well I don’t have to sit here and take this! If anyone needs me, I’ll be training for a rematch.”

“Just name the time and place,” she called after him.

“I’ll be in touch, Jojo.”

“Nope! Never. No one calls me that.”

“Not even me?”

“Especially not you.”

He clutched a hand to his heart. “You wound me, my friend.”

“You’ll get over it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Simon, if you could just be a person around Jo you'd find yourself with quite the partner in crime. Time will tell.
> 
> Next chapter is already up! Once again it was all supposed to be one, but Virtuous Circle demanded I write more. Thanks for reading!


	11. Turn to Stone

_Let’s go to sleep with clearer heads,  
_ _And hearts too big to fit our beds._  
_And maybe we won’t feel so alone,  
_ _Before we turn to stone._

[ _Turn to Stone – Ingrid Michaelson_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFfGbEMnIJQ)

Sam carefully secured the camera around Five’s head. The snaps on the side were tiny, which meant he had to lean very close to her to get them fastened. He was close enough to catch the scent of her hair, something he’d never noticed before, distinct and cool…

“You alright there, Sam?”

He straightened. “Me? I, uh…yeah, of course, I just…” The truth was probably the best move here. “Is your shampoo something different?”

He was lucky she had such an unflappable streak. “Oh, yeah, I think Rajit’s putting peppermint oil in it now. It’s supposed to be antibacterial or whatever. Sorry, is it too strong?”

“No, no, it’s nice. I mean you always smell nice, which is impressive for a runner.”

“I do?”

“Yeah, like…sunscreen and the woods, I guess.”

She laughed. “Well thank you.”

“No, thank you. It makes my job far less unpleasant. Alright, you’re good to go, cam’s transmitting. You can head to the gates.”

Maxine watched the whole scene with a glint in her eye. As soon as Jo’s back was turned she raised her eyebrows at Sam, who flipped her off in return. 

The three of them had been spending a lot more time together than usual. Between the recording from Paula and tracking down the file for Patient 29, it had been an emotional few days. Sam listened to Paula’s message the second time through; it was devastating. Maxine was an understandable wreck for hours. He’d seen Five on the cams while it played. She’d been crying too. If he hadn’t known any better, he would’ve thought she knew Paula too. Although he supposed she had her own Paulas, others she’d left behind. Thus far she’d only made vague references to her people back in the states, but at the very least, she’d had a niece and a brother. Sam couldn’t get more out of her; frankly he wasn’t even sure how to try. The day of Paula’s recording she’d handed back her headset without a word and disappeared for hours. She hadn’t even stuck around to comfort Maxine, which wasn’t like her.

He was hardly surprised when Eight approached the two of them today to suggest that maybe Five’s next run should be something light.

“We have a special mission for you today. We’ve heard that big toy store on Possum Place is untouched. We need you to go there and get us…well, fun stuff!”

“Any particular fun stuff?” Maxine asked.

“I feel we can trust Runner Five’s judgment on this. Fun stuff, Runner Five! The funner the better!”

“Right, because I’m the first person who comes to mind when you think ‘fun.’” Five replied. “Wait. Did Sara put you up to this?”

Nothing ever got past that woman. “She may have suggested you could use a little levity, yeah.” Five sighed through the headset. “Hey, it’s better than threatening you, right? Besides, we’ve all been working so hard lately.”

Five thought for a minute. “Possum Place…isn’t there a used bookstore up there too?”

“I think so.”

“Well I would consider books fun stuff. Can I stop there?”

“Don’t tell me you’ve already finished the stack you found the other day,” Maxine teased.

“A few more people asked me to borrow stuff; I want to make sure I’ve got a variety of things. Plus, yes, I will be done with that stack soon.”

“Hm…” Sam checked his map. “It is on your way home, and the scanners are clear for now. Pick up something for me?”

“Did you already finish _The Road?_ ”

“I, uh…” He hadn’t. Sam didn’t have the heart to tell her it was giving him nightmares. “I’ll have it finished soon, yeah. Um, maybe this time a different genre though? Keep it interesting?”

“I can do that. Any requests, Maxine?”

The doctor shook her head. “Not for me. I’ve been so busy I haven’t even cracked the one you gave me.”

“Ok, so books and other fun stuff. Got it. Think maybe this place would have silly string?”

“What good could you possible do with silly string?”

“I dunno. Coat Three’s hair in it while he sleeps? He’d deserve that.”

“Oh god, what did Simon do now?”

“Nothing. He just deserves it. In general.”

The toy shop wasn’t too far from Abel. Five was there in no time.

“Aw, man! Look at the displays in the windows!” Sam crowed. Brand new video games, the likes of which he hadn’t seen for a long time. “Think we can get Janine to reconsider sparing a liiiittle bit of power for an Xbox?”

“Definitely not,” Jo replied. “Although maybe with something smaller, like a DS…”

“What’re you thinking?”

“Mario Kart tournament.”

“I know this makes me sound lame, but I don’t know if I’ve played any of those things,” Maxine said.

“Me neither, Max. The other stuff Sam said, I mean. If it isn’t Nintendo I don’t know it.”

“That’s because you spent all your time saving lives and stuff!” Sam said. “Not on important things like playing video –”

Maxine cut him off. “Wait! They have the new Croatic module! Evening of the Shambling Ones? Oh my god, I thought that never arrived from the States before the apocalypse!”

“The what?”

“Croatic! Best set of modules ever for Demons and Darkness, the roleplaying game? The best roleplaying game ever! No, behind you Five, the one with – yeah, that.”

To say Sam was shocked was an understatement. “You…roleplay?”

“Paula got me into it,” she replied. “Damn, do they not have the original Demons and Darkness game pack? Alright, Five, grab Croatic, and head straight on. You should come to a store where they’ll definitely stock the original rule book.”

“Wait, this is really all you want me to get here?” Five asked.

“Well…I mean, what else is there?”

“Uh, other games, stuff the kids might like, some puzzles, adult coloring books…”

“Adult coloring books? You mean like –”

“Intricate patterns, Sam, not _adult_ adult. I’ll grab a few other things too –”

“But –”

“ – while making sure I still have room for your weird nerd thing, Maxine, don’t worry.”

Five loaded up her pack and headed to the next store.

“You’re looking for Demons and Darkness rule book, fourth edition. That’s very important – not the third edition, that one doesn’t have the additional rules for handling mind-controlled warlock-driven hordes.”

“That’s specific,” Five deadpanned.

Sam couldn’t keep his mouth shut. “Okay, up until now, I thought you might be joking but this is…really scary.”

“Are you telling me you’ve never dabbled with roleplaying games?” Maxine looked skeptical.

“Obviously not! They’re for nerds!”

“Oh, unlike video games.”

“They’re mainstream.”

“Superhero comics!” she goaded.

“Everybody likes Batman, and Superman, and…Aquaman.”

“Cosplay?”

Sam sighed. She had him there. “I told you, that was one time only. And just because my girlfriend liked Aquaman!” Jo unsuccessfully tried to stifle a laugh. “Something funny, Five?”

“Sorry, sorry. Just picturing you as Aquaman.”

Maxine snickered.

“Oh, and I suppose that’s a very hard thing to picture?”

“No, no!” she said, patronizingly. “It’s just…wasn’t Jason Momoa supposed to play him?”

This time, Maxine cackled, which dissolved Five in a fit of giggles.

“Alright, have I mentioned yet that I am not in favor of you two being friends? Ganging up on me all the time?”

“Oh, Sam,” Maxine said, wiping a tear from her eye, “That ship has long past sailed.”

“Seriously, I don’t think anything could stop us now.” Five added. “I mean, we’re quite literally working on saving the world.” She steadied herself. “Alright, Maxine, is this the right rule book?”

“Yeah, that’s it, Five, just pick that up and –”

Sam spotted something through her headcam, pointing it out before he realized it would completely give him away. “Wait, wait, look, look! They have the figurines, look! Ashlaq the Snow God, Varta the Warlock of Pale Mountain…”

“Are those supposed to be people?” he heard Jo ask.

“Yeah, you’ve never played roleplaying games?” Maxine teased.

He motioned for her to shut up. He was in it now. “If we have the figurines, we need paint. Go to, mmm…head down Deisegerrold Lane, there should be a store there.”

“Which you’ve never been into.”

“Oh, shut up.”

\- - - - - - -

Her friends had lost their damn minds. That was the only explanation for why Jo was digging through a craft store for paint – “No, no, no, not that paint, Runner Five, that’s only for plastic, that flakes off pewter” – correction, the _right_ paint for tiny figurines that were supposed to…fight each other? Jo wasn’t sure. Roleplaying games had never been her thing, though she had a roommate in college who took her campaign very seriously. Jo usually made a point of camping out in the library those nights.

Nonetheless, she was having a good time. Jo loathed admitting she needed help. She preferred to keep things to herself, but that was hard to do with someone who literally slept in the bed above yours. Eight had been right to recommend a mission like this. Out on a sunny day, picking up supplies that would make people happy, listening to her friends bicker about whether or not to get a paint that apparently caused cancer in rats? It was a welcome break from VS-72 and Patient 29 and whoever this Van Ark creep was.

“I’m going to have to side with Maxine, Sam,” she said “Let’s not invite trouble.”

“Yeah, okay – grab all the red except Crucible Carmine, and then…hmm…wait, are those acrylic paints?”

Jo squinted at the bottle in the dim shop. “That’s what it says, yeah.”

“Ooh, those don’t last as long,” Maxine said.

“You’re kidding.”

“Yeah, it wears off,” Sam agreed. “We need oil paint, or enamel. To the other craft store!”

Jo continued on, but not without giving her friends a hard time. “Are you guys serious right now? This is going to be the third…no, fourth store I check just for something you want.”

“You saying you don’t want Maxine and me to be happy?”

Jo laughed. “You are so dramatic. No, I’m saying you two owe me.”

“Anything. Get this stuff, and you can have anything. Whatever you want, it’s yours.”

Maxine said something. Sam shushed her, and there was the sound of just the tiniest struggle. Jo hadn’t heard what Maxine said, but she got the idea. Those two didn’t think she saw the looks Maxine had been throwing Sam lately, but she did. She didn’t actually mind.

She knew people were starting to talk about how much time she and Sam spent together. Again, she didn’t mind. She’d been around the apocalypse long enough to know that boredom always got the rumor mill going. People whispered about Simon and Janine too, although of the two, the latter seemed far less likely to ever happen. Sam was a good friend, and she liked being around him, more than she liked being around most people. But he was grieving, and in a completely different way, so was she. Neither of them was in a place to be thinking of anything beyond friendship. She was perfectly happy with their dynamic as it was.

“You know, Five might have a point. Do you think it’s possible we’ve sent her on a rec run for something that is kind of a…niche interest?” Maxine asked.

“Hey, if _you_ like roleplaying games, and _I_ like roleplaying games…” Sam replied.

“I’m pretty sure we could get Runner Eight on board with this…” Maxine said.

“Wait, Sara’s into this stuff? God, you think you know a person.”

“Hush, you,” Sam said. “Jack and Eugene, too, you know, those guys that do the radio show? Wait…wait! Do you think we could find…costumes?”

“Oh my god, Sam,” Jo said, “Absolutely not, I draw the line at bringing you a costume.”

“Come on, I’ve always wanted a Perplexor costume!”

“With all the exclamation marks? Mm, wouldn’t suit you, not with your…” Maxine trailed off.

“Yeah, that wouldn’t match your subtle personality at all.”

“Neither of you is any fun,” Sam scoffed.

The apocalypse decided to settle their argument for them. “Looks like there are some zombies after you.”

“Looks like those exclamation mark underpants will have to wait, sorry, Sam,” Maxine said.

“Wait! Hold on.” Jo looked around quickly. “No one said anything about exclamation mark underpants. I am _definitely_ finding those.”

“No, you are leaving before the zombies get to you.”

“I bet I could do both.”

“Five, no! This is the microscope all over again.”

“Sam, don’t be ridiculous. This is WAY more important than the microscope.”

“Runner Five, don’t make me give you an order.” He was suddenly serious. She winced. She’d pushed the joke too far.

“Check your cameras, Sam. I’m already halfway out of the building. It was just a joke. I’m sorry.”

“Ah…right. Well. I wasn’t sure. You know how you can be.”

“Better than anyone, my friend.” She decided to lighten the moment. “Besides, I was just thinking you could use them to recreate the Aquaman ensemble. Unless you still have it lying around.”

She heard Maxine laugh. “Well, Jo, you did say we owe you. Gonna trade in Sam’s favor already?”

She snorted. “For that show? Don’t tempt me.”

Sam choked on whatever he was drinking.

“Jesus, Sam, I can _hear_ you blushing.”

“Like a tomato, Jo.”

“Oh my god, just come home, Runner Five. Honestly, I am never running a mission alone with the two of you ever again.”

\- - - - - - -

Sam and Maxine leapt out of their chairs when Five returned. “Ooh, lemme see, lemme see!” Maxine grabbed for the bag in her hand. “Oh my god, this is it! _Evening of the Shambling Ones_ , I never thought I’d see this!”

Sam dug through the figurines. “Five, you are officially my favorite person in the entire township.”

Five mimicked offense. “What, just now??”

“Oh, you know what I mean. Ooh, look! An elf figurine! That’ll be perfect for Jedward!”

“What’s a Jedward?”

“You cannot possibly call your character Jedward, Sam,” Maxine said, without looking up from the rulebook in her hands.

“Oh yes, I absolutely can! Jo, look, Maxine helped me draw up a character sheet, it’s right…huh. Maxine, where’d that sheet go?”

“Hm?” she looked up. “Oh, other side of the desk Sam, by your left elbow.”

“Right! There it is. Here, look.” He put a hand on Jo’s back to turn her towards the paper in question.

She didn’t jump when he touched her. “Well, that’s interesting,” Maxine muttered.

“What’s that, Maxine?”

“Oh, nothing, Sam…this part of the rulebook is just…interesting!” She peered over the cover to watch them.

Jo was leaning in to get a better look at Sam’s character sheet, seemingly unbothered by the hand that was still on her back for no apparent reason.

“So he’s an elf…and a wizard? An elf wizard?”

“So elf is his race, which is like species or ancestry, and wizard is his class, like what his abilities are, what he’s called to do.”

“Right. And what’s this little table?”

“Ability scores! Technically, they’re out of thirty, but that’s only for like monsters and divine beings. 18 is the average high. You really don’t know anything about Demons and Darkness?”

“Not really. I had a roommate with a campaign who always said I was welcome to join, but she and her friends took it so seriously I didn’t dare. Did you draw this little guy down here? I didn’t know you could draw.”

“Oh, that’s just like a rough sketch of what the character should look like, it’s nothing.”

“No, it’s good! I like it."

Maxine couldn’t tell if Jo was humoring Sam or actually interested in his character sheet. Either way, the scene was organic. She smiled, continuing to pretend-read the rulebook.

“Hey,” Jo said, suddenly lowering her voice, “I’m really sorry I upset you earlier. I was making a joke, and I took it too far.”

“No, no, no, it’s ok. If I’d been paying attention to the cams I would’ve realized it was a joke. I’m just…you know, a little nervous about my runners sometimes. Admittedly more nervous about you than most people.”

“Well, admittedly I give you more reasons to be nervous than most people.”

“That…is true, but it’s ok, Jo. Really.” He squeezed her shoulder.

“In any case, I should really get to all of the post-run stuff I’m supposed to do. Bite checks, showers, that sort of thing. If Eight finds out I waited this long to stretch after a run she will be very unhappy with me. Maxine?”

“Yep, right behind you,” Maxine said, putting down the book.

“Seriously, though,” Sam said, “Best work ever! I don’t know how we can ever repay you.”

“Oh, I’m sure I’ll think of something,” Jo said, not sticking around to watch Sam blush.

Maxine raised her eyebrows at him on her way out. “Hear that, Sam? She’ll think of something.” She shut the door just in time to avoid whatever he lobbed at her head.


	12. Grapevine Fires

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for some discussion of gross zoms.

_A wake up call to a rented room,  
_ _Sounded like an alarm of impending doom_  
 _To warn us it’s only a matter of time before we all burn  
_ _Before we all burn._

[ _Grapevine Fires – Death Cab for Cutie_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8ZUV9IBEXY)

Four shuddered dramatically. “I hate goddamn crawlers. Hate ‘em. Like rats, or hands shooting out to grab your ankles from under the bed.”

“I’m not so bothered about crawlers,” Sara replied. “Not as much as the ones with like, parts of their face missing. Especially eyes – anything sticking out of the eyes."

“THAT is nothing,” Five countered. “My group in the states used to be based out of a prison. When we went to clear a section there were a bunch of guard zoms still in riot gear, so we had to remove their helmets to get to their brains, right? Well, when we did their whole faces would peel off, right down to the muscle.”

“Jesus, Five,” Sara said. Four shuddered again.

Sam made a disgusted noise through the headset, talking with his mouth full. “Oh, enough, enough! Some of us are trying to eat here.”

“Should you really be trying to – what is that? Is that a chili and mayonnaise sandwich, while you have three runners out on a dangerous mission?”

“Mm, oh yeah, forgot the best part. Janine has stopped in for an unexpected visit, great news!

“Chili and mayonnaise, Sam?” Five asked. “That is way grosser than my story.”

“Don’t knock it ‘til you try it, Five.”

“Yeah, that’s what you said about Marmite. I still haven’t forgiven you for that.”

“And I still can’t believe I’m friends with someone who hates Marmite.”

Sara was glad to hear Five bantering again. She’d gone a bit quiet earlier in the mission. Sara had been keeping a close eye on her companion ever since the recovery mission at the chopper. Overall, she was doing alright: she kept her head in the field, and the nightmares were starting to subside. Today was supposed to be the day Sara briefed her on Greenshoot, but Runner Four had crashed the party unexpectedly. She couldn’t exactly object without raising suspicion, so they went on with the scouting mission.

“What’s that?” Four said suddenly. “You heard that, right?” Sara had. So had Five, judging by the way her hand had gone to her holster. Sara hadn’t agreed with Janine’s decision to let her carry at first, but she had to hand it to Five: the girl knew what she was doing.

“Gunshots heard from north-northeast of our location,” Sara reported. “Heading there now to check it out.”

Half an hour later, the trio was sprinting through Abel’s gates, pursued by a pack of about twenty.

“Confirm! We have running zoms behind us, that is a confirm!” Sara spotted Runners 13 and 14 coming to meet them with rifles. The pack was starting to splinter, pursuing the runners individually. Sara tried to keep to the back to make sure the others got in first, but Four, strong a runner as she was, just wasn’t as fast as her and Five. The front of the pack, about six zoms, was starting to catch up.

Five, who was leading them by quite a bit, stopped just short of the gates and turned, gun in hand. “You two go!” she called. “I’ll cover you.”

13 and 14 picked off three further back. Five took the ones closest. Sara heard one go down just behind her, then two more behind Four. That bought them just enough time to get home.

“Runner Four is through the gates,” Janine said. “Runner Eight is through the gates. Runner Five…through the gates.” The trio skidded to a stop, panting.

“That was some good shooting, Five,” Sara said. “Think you saved our necks.”

“Good,” she responded. “Then I’ve earned another day in your good graces.”

They got cleaned up and waited for Janine in her office to debrief. Sara stayed by the door as she so often did. Jody was in a chair, knees pulled up to her chin. Five was pawing through the books on Janine’s shelves. The door opened as Janine joined them. “Runner Five, what are you doing?”

“Being nosy,” Five replied honestly. She held up a slim volume. “Didn’t take you for a Vonnegut fan.”

“I’m not one. Put that down, please.”

Five raised her hands shoulder-height in mock surrender. Something was definitely bothering her; she was looking for distractions. Sara had a feeling it wasn’t the mission. But there was no point trying to get into it now.

\- - - - - - -

Jo stared at her plate, the day’s events swirling in her mind. Her roommates were chattering around her, except for Sara, who’d stayed back with Janine after their debrief. The scene they’d stumbled across had been upsetting - good god, since when could zombies run?? - but that wasn’t the only thing on her mind. No, her head had been swimming ever since Sara brought up Alice. Jo was well integrated into Abel by now; she’d found her place. Despite this, any time Alice was mentioned she felt like an imposter in the better woman’s place.

“You ok, Five?” Maggie asked. Jo didn’t hear her.

“Hey.” Jody gently elbowed her. “You with us, Five?”

“Hm?” She looked up. “Oh. Sorry. Yeah. I’m here, I’m just…distracted.”

“We can see that,” Maggie replied. “What’s on your mind?”

She hesitated, wondering if she should keep it to herself. She decided this was the only way to get some answers; Jody and Maggie were as safe as anyone when it came to stuff like this.

“I just…you two must’ve known the old Runner Five, right?”

“Alice?” Maggie asked. “Yeah, we ran with her loads of times. She didn’t live with us like you do; she was over with Cameo and Stephanie, Runner 17, in B Dorm.”

“Yeah, she was really nice. She helped out with my training when I first got here,” Jody said. “Why do you ask?”

Jo absently stirred the lump on her plate that was supposed to approximate mashed potatoes. “I don’t know, Sara brought her up on the run today, and I…I feel kind of weird, wearing her number and her gear but knowing basically nothing about her beyond how great everyone says she was and how she died. Sam doesn’t talk about her, and anytime I bring it up with Maxine she changes the subject.”

Jody chewed thoughtfully. “Yeah. That makes sense. Her death really affected Sam. And Maxine was the only other one in the comms shack that day, so she saw it happen too. She was a wreck, crying and stuff for days. I think she felt guilty for sending her into the hospital. But Sam…” She trailed off.

Maggie picked up the story. “Janine basically had to order Sam to leave his desk. He stayed there for hours, waiting for her mic to come back on. She turned it off after she got bitten so no one would have to hear…” Maggie shut her eyes, resetting. “Anyway, we all expected Sam to be like Maxine when they got him out of there, but instead he was just…vacant. Like the light was gone out of his eyes. Janine had to take over comms for a week because he wasn’t really leaving his dorm.”

“He lives with Jack and Eugene, the radio guys,” Jody said. “They told us he wasn’t even crying or anything, just like…sitting on his bunk, all distracted, not really saying anything. Maxine basically had to force him to eat at one point.”

“Jesus,” Jo breathed. She knew that kind of grief well, the kind your brain refuses to process, choosing instead to shut everything down. “Poor Sam. How long were they together?”

The other two exchanged a look. “That’s the thing,” Maggie continued. “They weren’t.” Jo’s eyebrows shot to her hairline.

“Sam never got up the guts to tell her how he felt,” Jody said. “I don’t know if he said anything that day but…yeah. They were friends though. Good friends. Like we could all see there was something there, it just never went further than that.”

Jo exhaled, pinching the bridge of her nose. “No wonder he doesn’t talk about her. The regret…god, it must be killing him.”

“He’s a lot more himself lately!” Jody said, clearly trying to bring some lightness back to the conversation.

“Yeah,” Maggie agreed, “Loads more. Having you around helps. I mean, for all of us. It’s like, life goes on, someone new takes over the work. I think that’s about all a runner can hope for when they go.”

“I guess you’re right,” Jo said finally. “Still feels weird.”

“Yeah, I hear you,” Jody replied. “Oh! Here’s something that might take your mind off things: since the weather’s been so nice lately Simon’s teaching one of his sunset gentle yoga classes out in the quad.”

Jo screwed up her features in disbelief. “Simon teaches yoga? Simon teaches _gentle_ yoga?”

“He’s better at it than you’d expect,” Maggie said. “I think he was a personal trainer or something before all of this, so he knows what he’s doing. And if it sucks, we can always just sit in the back and make fun of him.”

She pondered this. “Hm. I like yoga…and I like making fun of Simon…sounds like a win-win to me.”

\- - - - - - -

Sam watched as the class wrapped up. He didn’t go for yoga himself; he was far too uncoordinated, no matter how many times Simon insisted it was for all levels. Instead, he was waiting for Jack and Eugene and Jody (and hopefully Jo) to get done; they were finally breaking into the Demons and Darkness stuff. Maxine wasn’t quite done setting up the campaign, but they were painting their figurines tonight.

The others were excited, but all he’d gotten from Jo so far was noncommittal. He knew Demons and Darkness wasn’t really her thing, but he hoped she’d give it a shot anyway. She’d been so busy lately he’d barely seen her; Eight was monopolizing her with training, and tensions seemed to be flaring with New Canton. She’d been spending a lot more of her time with the runners. In particular, he’d seen her with Runner Three. They’d been paired on a few supply runs lately. He didn’t quite know how to feel about that, with Simon’s constant flirting; Jo could be pretty unreadable in those moments.

Jo was still sitting on one of the mats near Maggie and Jody. Little Molly had joined them; Cameo was trying to help her copy the headstand she’d just done. All four of the runners caught her as she tumbled down, giggling. Ed swooped in; it was close to Molly’s bedtime.

“So, ladies, we all feeling nice and relaxed?” Simon swaggered over to them like he owned the place.

“I gotta hand it to you, Three, you’re way more zen than I would’ve expected,” Jo replied. “I haven’t gotten to take a yoga class in literal years, and that was actually great."

“Always the tone of surprise with you,” he said. “Not sure I’d have guessed you were into yoga. MMA or kickboxing, maybe, but not yoga.”

“Oh yeah, like six times a week. There was a studio between my apartment and the hospital; I had to make sure to work classes into my schedule; as a med student sometimes it was quite literally the only time I got to myself.”

“You must’ve been pretty good then,” Maggie said. “Can you do that headstand thing Cam just did?”

“Without a wall? Maybe not anymore…” Jo thought for a moment. “Spot me a second, Three?”

“You got it.”

From her hands and knees, Jo tipped forward onto her head, using her arms to balance. She brought one leg into the air with no problem, but she started to wobble with the second, abruptly falling forward. Sam moved to help her, but Simon did his job as a spotter, catching her behind her knees and shoulders, pushing her back up to stand. Sam wasn’t expecting the brief pang he felt when Simon caught her. He didn’t like it.

“Like I said. Literal years.”

“You alright, Jo?” Sam said, finally joining them.

“Oh, fine, Sam,” she replied. Simon smirked at him. “Just out of practice.”

“You almost had it!” Jody said. “For a second, anyway.”

“Yeah, maybe don’t try that again,” Sam said, nervous. “We can’t have one of our best runners getting injured.” She made a face at him, but she didn’t respond.

The group made their way to the rec room where Maxine had set up the figurines and paint. The two of them, plus Jody, Jack, and Eugene, huddled around the table. Jo was reading on one end of the couch while Simon heckled them from the other.

“Seriously, Five,” he said, holding back a laugh, “I cannot believe you wasted your time picking up this nerd shit. Honestly, don’t we have better things for our star runner to be doing?”

Jo kicked him in the chest; her feet were resting in his lap. “Be nice, Three,” she said, not looking up from her copy of _Mother Night_. “Anything that makes the people I care about happy is not a waste of time.”

Sam hadn’t even thought she liked Runner Three; suddenly they were friends? He kept too-distracted an eye on them.

“Oy, Sam!” Jack said, “You’re hogging all the white. The rest of us need to do dry brushwork too, you know.”

“Seriously,” his partner added. “Where’s your head tonight?”

“Huh?” Sam snapped out of his jealous fog. “Oh, sorry, here.” He glanced over to the couch, her nose still planted firmly in the book. “Jo, you sure you don’t want to join us? You brought back plenty of extra figurines.”

“Hm?” She looked up at him. “Oh, I’m sure, Sam. I’d be no fun. Happy to hang on the sidelines.” She went back to reading.

“Come on, Sam,” Simon said, smirk oozing into his voice, “You don’t really think our Five here is into all _that_ , do you?”

Jo pulled her feet under her, practically slamming the book into her lap. “Jesus, Three, quit being such an asshole.” If his mind had been working properly, Sam would’ve caught that Jo always spoke up when Simon was insulting him. Instead, all her could see was that she was on the couch with him instead of at the table with them.

Sam spent the rest of the evening like that; while the others talked and laughed around him, he was quietly stewing. He hated this feeling; he knew firsthand how much fun Jo was to be around. He should hardly be surprised other people had figured it out too. Maxine glanced in his direction a few times, but she didn’t say anything, implying she knew what was on his mind. That made him feel worse. These feelings were completely unexpected and completely unwelcome.

Everyone wrapped up their paint jobs; he’d done a decent job on Jedward, even with his distraction. The others followed Maxine out to help her clean up. Sam turned his character over in his hands. A figure plopped inelegantly into the chair opposite him. Sam look up; it was Jo, chin propped on her fists. “Hey!”

“Hey,” Sam said back. “I didn’t realize you were still here.”

“Yeah, I figured I’d hang back,” she said. “I feel like we haven’t talked in forever. I mean, maybe it’s only been a couple of days, but it is the apocalypse. Time isn’t real.”

Sam laughed, grateful she was back in his orbit. “I know what you mean. Probably extra true when you’re saving the world from running zombies.”

“Ughhh,” Jo replied, dropping her forehead onto the table. “Don’t remind me.” She looked back up. “Seriously, what were those? I know the U.K. isn’t exactly like the States, but fast zoms? Come on.”

“Oh, those are new to us too, believe me. Even Eight sounded a little spooked, and that’s hard to do, which I’m sure you’ve figured out.” Sam weighed how to continue. “You’ve been pretty busy otherwise though. I guess you and Runner Three are friends now?”

Jo sort of rolled her eyes. “Ehh, friends might be putting it too strongly. Like, I wanna hate him, but he reminds me of my brother, so what can you do?”

Sam felt himself grin. “Huh. Yeah. I guess you would want to be around him then.” He hesitated. “So your brother was…”

“Sort of vain and asshole-ish but with a very secret heart of gold? Yeah. That was Shane.” Her smile dropped.

“You must really miss him.”

“I do. But he’s also one of the first people I lost, so in some ways it’s easier than others.”

Sam sensed he should change the subject. “Your new book any good?”

“Oh, this?” Jo said, holding it up. “Yeah, I stole it off of Janine’s shelf. You still reading _The Road?”_

“You haven’t told her yet, have you?” Maxine appeared behind them, setting her hands on Jo’s shoulders. They both jumped.

Jo turned towards her. “Told me what?”

Sam shifted uncomfortably and shot Maxine a betrayed look. “It’s giving him nightmares, Jo.”

Jo turned back, both incredulous and horrified. “Sam! You should’ve told me! I would’ve swapped it out for something else.”

“No, no!” he protested. “It’s fine, really! I mean…yeah, it’s a little disturbing, but I want to read it! Honest!”

“Are you sure? Because _The Road_ is…a lot. And I gave it to you before I actually knew you that well, so maybe it was the wrong book.”

“No, no, I want to read it, Johanna, really. Don’t listen to Maxine.”

Maxine took a third chair at the table. “So, Johanna, Sam told me about the run today. How are you feeling?”

“Honestly, Max? I’m feeling a lot of things. Mostly that zombies shouldn’t run. Ever.”

Maxine squeezed her hand. “I hear you. All the research we have is on normal, shambling zombies. These? I don’t even want to know where they came from."

Suddenly, Sam felt a lot better, sitting at this table with his two favorite people. He wasn’t sure when Jo had attained the same rank as Maxine; all he knew was that he didn’t mind at all.


	13. Oats in the Water

_There’ll be oats in the water,  
_ _There’ll be birds on the ground._  
_There’ll be things you never asked her;  
_ _Oh, how they tear at you now._

[ _Oats in the Water – Ben Howard_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DaH4W1rY9us)

Sam hesitated outside of Five’s quarters. Something had been bothering him since she and Runner 10 got back this afternoon. He wanted to talk to her about it, but he was also pretty sure he’d upset her; she’d somehow been even quieter than Chris today. Finally, he made himself knock on the doorframe.

Jo looked up from where she was folding laundry. She looked tired, but she wasn’t unhappy to see him. “Hey.”

“Hey…” he shuffled in the doorway. “Can I talk to you about something?”

“Of course,” she said, putting down the clothes. “What’s up?”

“It’s about the run earlier…”

“Ah. That.” So it had bothered her. She motioned for him to sit.

Sam took a deep breath. “Did I…overstep? With Chris? The whole ‘zombie killer’ thing, I mean.”

Jo sat for a minute, thinking, before scrunching up her nose the way she always did before saying something he didn’t want to hear. “Yeah. I think you did.” Sam groaned, cursing. “He seemed pretty uncomfortable to me.”

“What he does is so cool though! I got carried away, I mean, you know how I can be. It was just like, amazing to watch him work.”

“Yeah, what he’s figured out is really impressive. I mean, the McShell Maneuver? I’ve literally never seen anything like it. But Sam…” She considered her words for a second. “You’re not out in the field. And I’m not faulting you for that!” She grabbed for his hand, staving off his argument. “And I’m not saying that means you haven’t had to do awful shit. We all have. But when you’re not out in the field you don’t know what it’s like to…hold on, how do I want to say this?”

She thought for a moment before looking back at him. “Back in the states, my group used to ask newcomers three questions. How many walkers have you killed? –”

“Walkers?”

“Zombies. We went to a lot of trouble to call them anything but what they were.”

“Oh. Sorry, go ahead.”

“How many walkers have you killed? How many people have you killed? Why? The numbers varied – some people managed to get by without killing that many, some couldn’t even estimate how many walkers they’d taken down, some had stories about other groups going bad, having to kill living people…but the why was almost always the same: because I had to.”

Sam was starting to see what she was getting at. It made him feel worse.

“See, where I come from it was sort of a free for all. Some communities popped up with like, rough structures and leadership and whatever, but it was basically inevitable when they fell. By and large people just had to keep moving, keep trying to survive. I mean, even when we were able to settle into a place for more than week or so, it was nothing like here. Abel Township is something really incredible: the runner corps handles the outside world while everyone else can focus on rebuilding inside. It’s amazing. And it works. But it also keeps people insulated, which, again, is not a bad thing. But for people who aren’t runners, it can make the zombies seem a little more theoretical after a while, a little more like a game. It’s easy for them to forget that every zombie we put down is a person who died a horrible death. It can be a little frustrating. All that to say…yes, Sam, I think you got under Chris’s skin today.”

Sam stared at the floor. He’d stopped trying to meet Jo’s eyes while she talked. She had a point. It was easy, sitting in his corrugated iron shack, to forget what it was like out there. He hadn’t spent much time on his own in the first place; it was barely a week between when his parents died and when Janine and the Major brought him back to Abel. But here, just like Jo said, he was always one step removed from the horror, watching it through a screen. Between that and the constant extinction threat, it was easy to get a little cavalier as a coping mechanism.

“I don’t know, I guess…like sometimes, sitting in that shack all day, I can feel sort of useless...”

“Says the guy who’s literally saved my life more than once.”

“Yeah, I know, but like…I don’t actually _do_ anything. I look at my cams and tell you guys where to go and you actually _do_ the things. So when I’m watching someone like Chris it’s easy to get caught up in the excitement. I mean he _really_ knows his stuff.”

“For what it’s worth, it seemed like Chris would be happy to talk to you about his work literally anytime, provided you can dial it in a little bit. And yes, I do realize who I’m talking to about being less excited.”

Sam finally looked back up at her, at that look that said she was back to teasing him. He smiled. He should’ve known talking things through with Jo would make him feel better.

“And while I will argue with you all damn day about how important you are as is, I could teach you some other survival stuff if you wanted. Skills that I hope you literally never have to use but are good to know anyway.”

“Like what?”

“Well, for starters, can you shoot?”

“Sort of. Alice…Alice used to take a few of us for practice.”

“Oh.” She suddenly looked uncomfortable. “Well, it doesn’t have to be that, I wouldn’t want to –”

“No, no,” he assured her. “It’s ok. I could almost definitely use more practice.”

The silence was heavy for a moment. “You don’t talk about her.” It wasn’t an accusation.

“You don’t really talk about your people back in the states either,” he countered.

“Fair enough.”

The thing was, he did talk about Alice, just never around Jo. At first it was because it would’ve felt like a betrayal of Alice’s memory. Now he was hesitant to drag Jo into his past. It was a barrier he’d thought would protect them both. He decided to break it down just the same.

“You know, it’s funny. When Eight mentioned her the other day, about how they used to go on scouting runs with Kytan…that’s the first time someone brought her up and it didn’t make me really sad. It was more neutral, like, yeah, that’s a memory, that’s a thing that happened. Like for a while, I couldn’t stand anyone mentioning her at all. Now it’s…it’s not ok…but it’s less _not_ ok. I don’t know, is that weird?”

She shrugged slightly. “I think grief demands different things of different people.”

He laughed, though what she said wasn’t funny. “I always forget how good you are at like…summing things up.”

She shrugged again, a small smile on her face. “I’m just saying there’s no roadmap here. You do what works for you, and that’s all you do.” She stood. “What works for _me_ at the moment is food. Come on, I’m starving.”

\- - - - - - -

Jo rolled her neck, trying not to think of today’s mission as a failure. No, they hadn’t been able to dig through the still-smoldering wreckage of the corner shop in Hertston, but that alone told them something, right? Someone had seen fit to blow the shop to bits rather than let them search it. They could come back to search the lab another day, this time with stronger security on their comms. Either way, she was grateful to be out of Abel for the moment and thinking about something other than New Canton’s impending raid.

She massaged the knot in her neck, the one that had appeared at the same time as the helicopter. As if Van Ark’s (suspected) presence alone wasn’t stressful enough, the sound of the aircraft had made her blood run cold, same as it had outside the Keeley Center. She sat cross-legged in a large chair; the farmhouse had a wraparound porch that overlooked the property. Jo was outside, enjoying the sunset and a glass of too-sweet but somehow ice cold lemonade while Sara got them settled indoors. But for the shamblers on the horizon, it could be a peaceful night. It was a rare respite.

Wide-open, pastoral views like this reminded her of home. Not the makeshift communities that were the only option when the world went to hell, but the Georgia countryside she’d run wild in as a child. It was always complicated, thinking of Georgia as home when she’d spent most of her adulthood elsewhere; so much of her life there had been ugly. But the state itself was not, especially not on warm nights like this, catching lightning bugs with Shane and his best friend, who’d always let her tag along, even as they grew into surly teenagers.

Her headset pinged from where it rested around her neck. “Five? You there?”

“Hey, Sam, I’m here. What’s up?”

“Just making sure you and Eight got settled.”

She smiled. _Oh, but that boy could worry_. “We’re all good. The farm’s owned by a lovely older couple and their daughter; the land’s been in their family for centuries and they’re determined to ride out the apocalypse here. They were _very_ happy to have the _Benny Hill._ Sara’s inside being social, I’m watching the sunset."

“Huh. Think it’s the same one I can see from the comms shack?”

She laughed. “Unless we were transported to Tatooine while I wasn’t looking.”

“Hmm…I don’t know if it’d be better to deal with Tusken Raiders than zombies.”

“Definitely not. The Raiders can think for themselves and work together.”

Sam laughed. “I cannot believe you got that reference.”

“What, from _A New Hope_? Come on, Sam, give me some credit. I did reference the binary sunset you know.”

Sara came out onto the porch with a glass of her own and two sandwiches. She handed one to Jo and took the seat opposite her. “Am I interrupting something?”

“Oh, no, Sam’s just checking in.”

She heard Sam hit a button that took her off the private channel. “Yep! Hey, Runner Eight. You two are alright?”

“Just fine, Sam. We’ll be more than comfortable here tonight and head back in the morning. Does just after sun up work for you?” Sara winked at Jo.

“I uh…well, I’m not usually up _quite_ that early…”

“Oh, no matter,” Sara continued, mischievous glint in her eye. “We could always get a head start and have you join us when you wake up.” Jo shot her a look and stifled a laugh. True, it was easy to get Sam going, but this was just mean.

“WHAT??” He squeaked, “No! You can’t do that! You can’t go out without an operator, especially in unfamiliar territory! Why would you think…” he trailed off when he heard them laughing. “Ah. Right. Very funny, Runner Eight."

“Just a little joke, Sam. We wouldn’t dare go out without your dulcet tones in our ears. Plus, there’s no way I’m trying to wake this one that early. She sleeps like the dead.”

“Right…well…rather than set a specific time maybe just…wait until you’ve heard from me?”

“That’s what we agreed to,” Jo said, “Don’t worry, I won’t let Eight break any rules.”

“Yeah, please don’t. It’s bad enough you two are out of Abel overnight, my poor heart can’t take anything else out of the ordinary. Anyway, I’m meeting Maxine for dinner, just wanted to make sure you two were ok. So…talk to you in the morning then?”

“Absolutely. Good night, Sam.”

“Good night, Five. ‘Night, Eight.” The radio went quiet.

The runners sat in silence for a minute, enjoying the evening. “So,” Sara spoke up. “You two have certainly gotten close these past few weeks.”

“Oh my god, don’t you start.”

“Just an observation,” she protested blandly. “You saying it’s not true?”

“I’m saying I’m not playing this game.”

Sara shrugged noncommittally. “I’ve just noticed that if neither of you is working, you’re together, that’s all.”

Jo rolled her eyes. “I know, I know, I have a job to do, I shouldn’t let anything distract me.”

To her surprise, Sara laughed. “That’s not what I was going to say. I was going to say that the Major always says, ‘What’s the point of fighting for the new world if you don’t have a life to go back to when it arrives?’”

Jo furrowed her brow. This was not at all what she expected from Runner Eight, queen of duty and following orders. “All that to say, Five…if you find something good in this mess, maybe you should grab hold of it.” She paused. “But for tonight, you’re stuck with me. They only gave us one bed. You’d better not snore.”

“You should know. You sleep in the same room as me.”

“I know. That’s exactly why I’m worried about sharing a bed with you. If I wake up with bruises there’ll be hell to pay.”

\- - - - - - -

Someone got Sam’s attention as he left the comms shack. He squinted against the growing darkness; it was Ed, Molly in tow.

“Hey, Sam!” he said, “I’m glad I caught you. Since Five’s out of Abel tonight I figured this was the only time I could catch you without her. I wanted to get her something and thought you’d be the perfect person to ask what. You know her best.”

Sam was taken off guard; much like Runner Three, he hadn’t even know Ed and Jo were friends, much less the sort of friends who gave gifts. He took a sip from his water bottle to buy some time while his mouth remembered how to form words.

His face must’ve betrayed his surprise. Ed broke into a grin. “Ah. I should clarify. I just want to give her a little thank you for being so nice to Molly. She’s a busy lady, but she always takes the time to talk to my baby girl like she doesn’t have a million other things to do. Molly’s needed that extra kindness since her mum died. I’m just a dad thanking someone for being kind to his daughter. So no worries, Sam; I’ve not got designs on your girl.”

Sam choked on his drink. “My…? You don’t…I mean she’s not…I mean we’re not…” He continued stammering until Ed rescued him.

“Yeah, yeah, protest all you want. But I’ve seen the way you look at her, like everything’s a little bit brighter when she’s around.”

“Oh, well…I don’t think you…I mean I don’t…whatever.” He was beyond flustered. He’d noticed the way his stomach flipped whenever Jo was around, and sure, Maxine was tormenting him rather mercilessly, but he certainly didn’t think anyone else could see it. He took a deep breath. “She’s one of my runners; I care about all of my runners.” Ed raised his eyebrows. “Anyway…she reads a lot. She said Agatha Christie’s her favorite.”

“Aha! Perfect. I’ll see what I can find. Thanks, Sam, I owe you.” Ed started to leave. “Oh, by the way, what I said about that way you look at her?” Sam tried to keep his face impassive, though he probably failed. “She looks at you just the same.”

In a bit of a daze, Sam walked over to the hospital where he’d promised to meet Maxine.

“Hey, Sam!” she called from the back of the room. “I’m just wrapping up, we can head out in a minute.” He didn’t answer her. “Sam? You okay?”

“I uh…” he turned the thoughts over in his head. “Ed just said the craziest thing to me.” He tried to laugh, like it was some kind of joke. “He said that I have this like…certain way of looking at Jo, and that _she_ looks at _me_ the same way. Can you believe that?” This time, Maxine was the one who didn’t answer. “Well?”

“I’m waiting for you to get to the crazy part.”

“What? That…that was the crazy part! I don’t look at Jo any sort of way! She’s just a friend, and I like spending time with her and talking to her, and yeah, I probably spend more time with her than anyone else, but that’s just because she’s really funny and clever and interesting and she always knows what to say when something’s on my mind and always cheers me up on a bad day and –”

Reality slapped him in the face.

“Oh my god, Maxine, do I have a crush on Jo?”

“I’ve been waiting for you to notice. Welcome to the party.”

Sam sunk onto the cot nearest him. “Oh my god. This is terrible. What am I thinking??”

“I don’t think this is a thinking thing, Sam. I think it just sort of happens.”

“I can’t have a crush on Jo. That’s the worst idea I’ve ever had.”

Maxine laughed. “Are you kidding? I think it’s an excellent idea.”

He stared at her. “Obviously not! For one thing, it’s not like she’d ever feel the same way. I don’t know what Ed thinks he sees, but no way he’s right.”

“You don’t think she could feel the same way?”

“Of course not! I mean, she’s…like, incredible, and I’m just me…”

Maxine sighed, sitting across from him. “Sam, have you noticed that Jo flinches if someone touches her unexpectedly?”

Sam furrowed his brow. “What? No she doesn’t.”

“That’s because she doesn’t flinch when it’s you. You’re the only one who gets away with casually touching her. Even I’ve accidentally snuck up on her in the hospital a few times. But you? You can touch her arm or grab her hand or sit close to her without any reaction. Why do you think that is?”

Sam stared at the floor, trying to process this information. “I mean…well, we’re friends –”

“We’re friends too. But the other week, I tapped her on my way past and she jumped about a foot. Spilled tongue depressors everywhere.”

“So…so what does that mean?”

“Well, for starters, it means she’s more comfortable around you than literally anyone else.”

“But, that could just mean –”

“Sam,” Maxine cut him off. “I’m just telling you what I’ve observed.”

He finally asked the question at the back of his mind. “Isn’t it too soon?”

Maxine took his hands and squeezed them. “I think you’re the only one who can answer that. I mean, it’s the literal apocalypse, Sam. I think you take the good things as they come, whenever they come.”


	14. Every Day I Have the Blues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I offer you a nice runner pile in these trying times?
> 
> Content warning for canon character death and runners getting drunk. Spoilers through S1M19.

_Speaking of bad luck and trouble,  
_ _Well you know I’ve had my share._

[ _Every Day I Have the Blues – Count Basie_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYY6mldMz0I)

Less than a week after she and Sam talked about him, Chris McShell was dead.

Jo tried to wrap her brain around this fact as she ran through the gates, the enveloped marked “Veronica” in her left hand. It wasn’t heavy, but her arm twinged as she gripped it. That idiot, Van Ark, had grazed her tricep shooting at her and Sara when they’d visited him. He was dead now too, another zombie casualty.

She met Maxine back in the comms shack, setting the envelope on the desk. Chris was on the floor, face grey, flecks of blood around his lips. The bite was on his calf, angry and mocking. Sam was already gone. Maxine was next to the body with a scalpel in her hand, but she wasn’t moving.

“Max?”

The doctor shook her head. “I…I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’ve done this before, plenty of times, but I can’t…I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Jo knelt on the floor next to her. “It’s ok, Maxine. You don’t have to.”

Maxine shook her head. “Maybe I should go get Runner Seven. We don’t usually bring people back inside the gates if they’ve been bitten. Actually, we _never_ do that, but Chris…Evan will know what to do.” She stood.

“There’s not enough time for that,” Jo said, “It’s already been twenty minutes, we can’t leave him. You go ahead. I’ll take care of it.”

Maxine looked at her, something almost wild in her eyes. She hadn’t been herself since Van Ark mentioned that Paula could still be alive; she was distracted and panicky. “No! No, Johanna, you can’t –”

“I’ve done it before. Plenty of times. Go.”

Maxine didn’t argue further; Jo knew she was relieved. She heard the door shut behind her and set a hand on Chris’s arm.

“I’m sorry this happened to you.”

She unsheathed her knife and did what had to be done, the last kindness you could give someone who’d ended up like Chris.

She wiped the blade on an extra cloth from her pack, intending to burn it immediately, and got to her feet slowly. She was exhausted. There was something in the air lately, a promise of trouble on the horizon. Everyone could feel it. Something dark and buried was clawing its way up inside her, and she wasn’t sure how long she could keep swallowing it. Avoidance was as good a strategy as any, but it didn’t work long term.

Seven and Three were waiting outside to retrieve the body. Evan nodded at her solemnly.

“You ok, Five?” Simon asked. It was the most serious she’d ever seen him. She nodded, and it was something like the truth. You didn’t get as far as she had without doing that more times than you cared to mention. It never got easier, but you had to find a way to cope with it.

She found Sam and Maxine back at the hospital, both sitting on a cot. Maxine had her knees tucked up to her chin and looked much smaller than usual. Sam had his arm around her shoulders and was staring into space. He managed a weak smile when he saw Jo.

“Care to join us?”

Jo sat on his other side, looping her arm through his and resting her head on his shoulder. They must’ve been a sight, the three of them, numb and staring and not sure where to go from here.

“Well this fucking sucks.”

“Yeah,” Sam agreed. “Yeah it does.”

“And it literally never gets better,” Maxine finished.

“Maybe that’s a good thing,” Jo countered. “As long as we’re feeling things that suck we’re still human, right?”

“I guess,” Sam said. “Maybe wouldn’t hurt to be a little less human sometimes though.”

Jo squeezed his arm. “You are right about that.”

\- - - - - - -

Janine massaged the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger.

She prided herself on running an orderly Township, one that dealt with problems as they arose and kept their heads in the meantime.

Simply put, things lately were going to hell very quickly.

Runners Five and Eight hadn’t retrieved anything overly useful in their visit to Hertston or their afternoon with Professor Van Ark. Now, the man was dead and would be of no use going forward. Intel retrieved via the New Canton headset sewn into Five’s equipment revealed their neighbors were planning an attack. On top of everything, Runner Ten was dead, which was a more massive blow than a usual runner death.

Janine didn’t mean to be insensitive; she felt it every time she lost one of her people. But Mr. McShell was doing vital research, the likes of which she did not expect anyone else to be able to continue.

Beyond this, his death did not come that long after Roman, Runner Nine’s, whose death hadn’t come that long after Alice, the old Runner Five’s. Between the mounting losses, the uncertainty surrounding New Canton’s activities, and the fact that it was unseasonably warm, the runners were reaching a fever pitch. Runner Seven had been refereeing far more squabbles than usual, high temperatures spiking tempers. A fist fight had even broken out in the cafeteria the other morning. Something had to be done.

“What exactly is it they’re asking, Mr. Deaubl?”

“A campout of sorts. After the joint memorial for Runners Nine and Ten, the runners have proposed they spend the night in the quad. It has been very hot in the dorms lately. They all think the night air will do them good, and I agree.”

“So they’re asking to have a sleepover like children.”

“Something like that.”

Janine sighed. “Sara, what do you think?”

“You’ve seen them, Janine. Tensions are about as high as I can remember. Yang punched Kytan for taking the last bit of bacon yesterday, and they’re the best of friends. I don’t think blowing off steam is the worst idea. And speaking from experience, Seven is right; the dorms are incredibly stuffy. My roommates and I have taken to sleeping on the floor because the tile’s cooler than the sheets.”

“I assume there is alcohol involved in these plans of theirs?”

“There is,” Seven answered, “But I’ve insisted some of us stay sober to keep an eye on things. Runner Eight has volunteered along with me, as has Runner 18, who will stay on the gates. I’ll keep a radio on in case of trouble.”

“And the noise?”

“Runner 18 again. As long as things aren’t too loud for him, they won’t be for the zoms either.”

“What if New Canton decides to stage their attack now?”

“I don’t think that’s likely, Janine,” Sara said. “Attacking at night would be stupid with regard to their own safety, and nothing we’ve picked up on Five’s headset indicates they’re looking to move this soon.”

Janine looked at Sara. “What would the Major do?”

Sara laughed. “I think you’re a hell of a lot more strict than the Major in some ways. And she’s a big believer in maintaining morale.”

“Fine,” Janine agreed, however reluctantly. “We don’t have any runs scheduled tomorrow anyway since we’re trying to limit nonessential movement. You and Seven make sure nothing gets too out of hand, I’ll need someone else to volunteer to join 18 on the gates, and anyone drinking surrenders their weapon. Make sure you get both of Runner Five’s; she hasn’t reported that Bowie knife of hers, but I know she has it. And see that Mr. Yao doesn’t get too drunk. I’ll not have him vomiting in the comms shack like he did after Ms. Dempsey’s memorial. And they absolutely cannot stay up all night. I recognize the importance of letting oneself go a bit during stressful times, but there is a still work to be done.”

Evan nodded. “I’ll pass all of that along.”

Sara agreed, “You’re making the right call, Janine. You know how the runners get when they can’t blow off steam. I was starting to worry some of them were going to kill each other. And I’m not sure I’m exaggerating.”

\- - - - - - -

Jack and Eugene flipped through the music on their radio until Jo heard something she recognized. “Wait! Stop, leave that on.”

“Oh, come on, Jo, you can’t be serious!” Simon groaned. “Is that banjo I hear?”

“It is indeed, Three,” she said, swaying loosely to the music, color high in her cheeks. She, Maxine, and Sam had unearthed a bottle of whiskey in the hospital and started the party early.

“You actually like this??”

“Baby, I am from Georgia,” she drawled, thrusting her forearms towards him. “You cut me open I bleed whiskey and blues. Can’t deny my place of birth, much as I may want to sometimes.”

“Why d’you get to pick the music anyway?”

She stopped moving and stared at him. “You know why.”

Simon looked like he regretted his words immediately. “Right. Sorry.” He shifted. “Seriously, though, Five, this??”

Jo joined Sam on a bench, sitting on the very end with her back to him. “Oh, and I suppose you think we should be listening to ABBA?”

“Everyone likes ABBA. You saying you don’t like ABBA?”

“No, I’m saying I want to listen to this instead.”

Maxine, tipsy herself, cracked up from the other side of Sam. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard your accent this strong, Jo. It’s hilarious.” She was right; the Georgia girl usually had a better handle on the drawl that crept into her voice when she was stressed or angry or, apparently, drunk.

“It’s the country music in the air, Doc,” Simon said. “She can’t help herself.”

“Hey! This is blues, NOT country. Show some damn respect, Simon.”

“I will respect whoever gets that harmonica to shut up.”

“Bless your heart, Three.”

“It is kind of a lot, Jo,” Maxine conceded. “I don’t suppose you’d consider a compromise? Sam, what do you think?”

Sam looked up. He was a little quiet today, though in truth, he’d been a little quiet around Jo ever since his conversation with Maxine. He hadn’t really spent a lot of time with her since his epiphany in the hospital the other night. He couldn’t decide if that was for the better or worse. “Uhhh…it’s fine, I think. Right?"

“Classic mistake, Doc,” Simon said, “You’re trying to get Sammy here to disagree with Five, which he will never do.”

Maggie and Jody joined them, the former making a face. “Uhh, what exactly are we listening to?”

“Whatever our drunken Southern friend wants, apparently.”

“Yeah, Runner Five?” Jack called.

“Ah ah ah!” she called, holding a finger up to silence him. “Ain’t no Runner Five here. You’re talking to after hours Jo.”

“Ok, fine, after hours Jo?” Eugene said, “It’s our duty as radio DJs make sure we’re providing quality content, and we’re picking up on some negative feedback here.”

“UGHH.” Jo dramatically flopped backwards across Sam’s lap, her head landing in Maxine’s. “Y’all suck, y’know that?” She sat up in a huff. “ _Fine_. Let me see what else we have.”

She looked through Jack and Eugene’s track list until she found one she wouldn’t let anyone object to.

Maxine’s face lit up. “Count Basie! Now that I can get on board with.”

“That’s my girl!” Jo seized Maxine’s hands, pulling her to dance. Maxine threw Sam an apologetic look.

Sam didn’t really register it; frankly, he needed another drink or two before he’d be any fun tonight. He felt slightly like he was underwater, everything a bit muddled. Chris was dead. Chris McShell, the Zombie Killer, the man who knew everything there was to know about zoms and their movements and how to avoid them, had still gone grey in the end. He looked around at Jack and Eugene with the music, Jody and Maggie rolling their eyes at something Simon said, Jo and Maxine whirling around the quad; how long were any of them safe?

More runners began filing in, dragging mattresses and bedding from the dorms. Simon produced two bottles of whiskey from somewhere, passing them around generously. Kytan and Yang, bacon-related fights forgotten, unsuccessfully tried to start a bonfire without Evan noticing and were caught immediately. Cameo smacked them both upside the head. Seven and Eight stood together along the perimeter, the expressions on their faces somewhere between exhausted parents and nightclub bouncers.

Basie’s tunes were going over much better with the crowd, the old school music giving everything a jubilant feel. Maggie was attempting to teach a few people to swing dance, which went progressively worse every time Simon and his liquor passed. Someone had unearthed a firepit, which Evan lit before Kytan and Yang could get any ideas.

The memorial wasn’t much like Alice’s; Chris had kept far more to himself than she had, and Roman hadn’t been around long. There weren’t really stories or pictures to share this time, just company. These parties weren’t really for those they’d lost anyway; that’s what the Forest of Fallen Runners was for. These nights were all about making sure you stayed sane enough to make it to the next time one of your friends died. Moreover, they were usually only attended by runners and a handful of other people, but tonight most of the Township stopped through. Everyone was feeling the extra stress, and everyone wanted a chance to alleviate it, even if just for a few moments. Even Janine, who usually said a few words and went on with her night, had taken a seat by the fire and accepted a drink from Runner Three.

Jo and Maxine had settled by the fire too. Jo had had far too long a day to keep up her energy for long; Sam could see it in her eyes. He joined, Maxine moving so he could sit between them. Jo handed him her glass without looking at him. Janine was on her other side; the runner was leaning in close to Janine’s face, staring at something.

“Can I help you, Runner Five?”

“Is that a healed-over eyebrow piercing?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“No, no, it is!” Sam said excitedly. “I saw it in your pictures!”

“I thought I told you not to go on thinking about those, Mr. Yao.”

“I don’t! I just thought of them just now.”

“An eyebrow piercing points to way better secrets than a boyfriend and a bikini,” Jo said, looking thoughtful. “Did you have a punk phase? A goth phase?”

“Like most teenagers, I had a ‘piss off my mother’ phase,” Janine replied, tongue slightly loosened by the whiskey.

“Hm,” Jo nodded. “You ever think maybe we secretly have a lot in common?”

Janine side-eyed her. “No.”

Janine didn’t stick around much beyond that. Simon conspicuously disappeared not long after her.

It was starting to get late, the moon high above them. The crowd had died down, most of the runners opting to get some sleep, spreading the mattresses and bedding on the ground. Cameo, Kytan, and Yang were a tangle of limbs, each using another as a pillow. Evan was on a bench, staring up at the stars. Maxine, Jody, Sam, Jo, and Sara sat around the fire. Maggie had fallen asleep with her head in Jody’s lap. The rest couldn’t quite fathom sleep yet, even if they were almost all weighed down with drink. They pulled topics out of their heads, willing to talk about anything and everything that kept things from getting too quiet.

“Alright, here’s a question,” Sam said, feeling the effects of Jo’s whiskey, “What do we think Janine did before all this? Because she can say she had a quiet life all she wants, there’s noooo way it’s the truth!”

“Definitely not,” Jody agreed. “She wasn’t military, was she? Eight, you know her best, she ever tell you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Four. I had an office job myself.”

Jody rolled her eyes. “Sure you did.”

“Spy,” Jo said.

“What?”

“She was a spy.”

“What makes you say that?” Maxine asked.

“Well, for one thing, despite claiming to not be a Vonnegut fan, she owns a copy of _Mother Night,_ a book about an American spy, the moral of which as stated by the author is ‘we are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.’ For another…I mean, have you met her?”

“Maybe the book was a gift?” Sam replied.

“Yeah, because Janine seems like the sentimental type.”

They debated their leader’s origins for a few more minutes, Sara remaining silent. Eventually, Jody curled up next to Maggie and Maxine nodded off too. Sara went to check in with Runner 18 on the gates. It was the first time he’d had Jo to himself all day.

She stretched out on the ground, staring up at the night sky. Sam laid back next to her, seeing countless stars above them. That was one positive of the apocalypse; no more light pollution. The night air was just cool enough for a slight chill. Sam watched Jo tuck her hands into the sleeves of her sweatshirt.

“Is that mine?”

“It’s the one you gave me after my night run.”

“Right, right. I didn’t realize you hadn’t given it back.”

“That’s because I’m never giving it back.”

Sam laughed; that was more than alright with him. He turned, looking at her profile, the angles of her face lit by the moon. She looked tired.

She looked sad.

“I’m really sorry about what you had to do today,” he said.

She shrugged, her shoulder brushing against his. “Better me than Maxine.”

“Is it though?”

“I think so. The cleaner I can keep the hands of the people I care about the better.”

Sam exhaled. That was about the most honest thing she’d ever said. He’d always known she had that reckless protectiveness about her; it made him nervous.

“It’s not your job to take care of everyone else, you know. You’ve got to take care of you too.”

She laughed, sounding half asleep. “Would you believe you’re not the first person to tell me that?”

Sam shook his head. “I would believe that very, very easily.”

\- - - - - - -

Jo was woken by a flash. Blinking her eyes open she realized what it was almost immediately. She’d fallen asleep with her head on Sam’s shoulder. She sat halfway up to see Maggie and Jody stifling giggles, the former still holding the offending Polaroid. Jo flipped them off, which only made them laugh harder. _Great_ , she thought, _them too_.

It wasn’t quite light yet. The quad was a cluster of runners, everyone twined with someone else, all except Seven, who’d made the baffling decision to sleep on a bench. Bonnie was loyally curled up at his feet. Jo’s feet were still in Jody’s lap, and Sara was using one of her arms as a pillow. Maxine was perpendicular to Sam, her head on his chest. Everywhere you looked, runners were curled up in the comfort of having someone else close. It was counterintuitive given that this campout had begun as a way to avoid the heat, but it made perfect sense at the same time. Everyone was uncertain; you clung to whatever you could in times like this.

Jo waited for the prickly panic that always arose when people were too close to her, but it didn’t come. She felt oddly safe as she settled back down, shifting closer to Sam without waking Sara. Trouble was coming; she could always sense it. She was going to stay in the moments before it did as long as she could.


	15. Whisper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for discussions of cannibals, reference to infanticide via Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. Seriously, who let Sam read that? (It was Jo. She’s very sorry. She knows better now.)

_Running the race like a mouse in a cage getting nowhere,  
_ _But I’m trying.  
_ _Forging ahead but I’m stuck in the bed that I made,  
_ _So I’m lying._

_But if you keep real close,_  
_Yeah, you stay real close,  
_ _I will reach you._

[ _Whisper – A Fine Frenzy_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mhJOgdSd98)

“It’s just that, with the Major away –”

Maxine cut Sam off. “I know, I know! She has her rules, ‘Don’t risk the doctor.’ It makes sense, it does, but just this one time…”

Jo sighed; she knew it wouldn’t be easy to get Sam to agree to let Maxine go into the field; she hadn’t expected him to go on protocol.

“But, you know!” he continued, “You might also get attacked by wild dogs! You might…tangle with some wild roaming cannibals! You might get attacked by unicorns…”

Jo’s stomach sank. _Dammit, hadn’t she taken that book away from him?_

“You’ve been reading _The Road_ again, haven’t you?” Maxine asked, confirming her worries. “I told you not to read that before bedtime! Jo, seriously, I don’t know what you were thinking.”

“I’m sorry!” she said. “I will readily admit I know Sam far better now and would not recommend that book again.”

Sam continued, undeterred. “You might get stuck somewhere and have to stay overnight, and I know there’s no one in the hospital right now, but there might be!”

“Oh my god, Sam,” Maxine continued, “I told you to give that book up.”

“I thought I took my copy back!” Jo protested.

“Well…I…you know…it’s a good book! I want to see how it ends…”

“Ugh. I take full responsibility for this,” Jo said.

“Uh huh,” Maxine continued, “Fine. You keep reading. But you heard Jo, Sam. Next time you have a nightmare, you wake her, not me.”

“Woah, woah, woah!” Jo protested, “Is that what I said?”

“It’s what I heard!” Maxine said with a smirk.

“I mean, in fairness, I have met some cannibals,” Jo said.

“WHAT??” Sam shrieked in horror.

“Oh my god, Jo,” Maxine said, “NOT helpful.”

“It’s true! Sorry. I mean…we did kill them all if that helps. But they did eat one of our guys’ legs first.”

“In any case,” Maxine said, emphatically, trying to drown out Jo’s horror story, “We’ve checked the whole sector. There are no zoms within several kilometers of Hertston. And I’m the only one who can try to identify what’s left of that lab equipment. Even with Jo’s medical training, she’s not been in a research setting like me.”

“And me and Five’ll be there too,” Sara added. “For protection. Even if someone doesn’t know when to keep her cannibal stories to herself.” Jo winced at Sara guiltily.

She had no idea why she’d felt the need to tell that story. She was still out of sorts, that same feeling she’d had after Chris’s death clambering to the front of her mind more often than not. The nightmares had lessened, but only because she spent most nights tossing and turning, rarely sleeping deeply enough for the dreams to take hold. She needed a break, but that hardly felt likely. Focusing on work was constructive, like something she could control.

“Mm…well, if you’re sure,” Sam said, sounding wholly unsure himself. “Be safe out there! Ok, Runner Five, Runner Eight? Doctor? Ready?”

“Ready,” Maxine replied.

“Ready, Sam,” Jo concurred.

“Raise the gates! Covering fire! Short run to Hertston…go!”

\- - - - - - -

“No!” Sam was incredulous.

“We’re out here now. It’s not even that much further,” Maxine replied, trying to sound reasonable.

“This isn’t the – it’s not the mission, Maxine! This is not the mission! I’ve seen it before! This is how people get killed, you know it is. You know it!”

Maxine sighed. They’d gotten nothing conclusive from the corner shop. Answers would be at Jeffro. Now they just had to convince their easily-panicked operator to let them go.

Their new companion’s radio crackled. “New Canton are moving. Heading south and east of us.”

They were running out of time to make a decision. Jeffro didn’t communicate via radio; she had no idea how to warn them New Canton was sending their full platoon after them. Maxine knew Sam hated being out of control, but he had to see reason.

“If they’re close to a vaccine there, if what we learned could help – Sam! The human race, imagine it! A day when a zombie bite is no more than a dog bite. Tetanus shot and you’re done! Imagine!”

Sam was still unconvinced. “We don’t know enough to - Jeffro won’t communicate with the outside world, we don’t know if they’re even still out there!”

Maxine turned her attention elsewhere. “Sara, if I go, will you come with me?”

Sara nodded. “We should find out what New Canton are up to.”

“Jo?”

The other runner looked torn, but she nodded, a silent answer Sam couldn’t pick up.

“We’ll just go a little further, okay? The four of us.”

“I’ll show you the back roads,” Ephraim said, “If I come, we’re radio silent. New Canton can pick us up if you’re talking to Abel.”

Oh, Sam wasn’t going to like that.

“Radio - ? Oh, no! That’s - no! That is absolutely –”

Maxine cut him off. It was the only way. “Radio silent. I’m sorry, Sam. You’ll be able to see us on the scanner most of the way.”

“No! That’s totally –” Maxine switched off her radio. Sara did the same. They turned to Jo; she was the wild card. She knew damn well this was important enough to break protocol. She didn’t usually have a problem with that. But if it meant distressing Sam…

“Johanna?” Maxine asked. “Calculated risks, right?”

Jo shut her eyes. “I’m sorry, Sam. Please don’t hate me.” She clicked her radio off.

\- - - - - - -

Sam kept looking frantically between his scanner and his cams. He’d picked up radio chatter about an explosion at the Jeffro complex almost an hour ago and promptly threw his distraction reading to the side. The runners hadn’t come back on his scanners yet, nor were their radios on.

What were they thinking? The three of them, alone, with no radios, going off to Jeffro, knowing that New Canton was poised to attack? It was reckless for Maxine, and even for Eight.

And Five? God, how could she do this to him? Sam knew she was prone to rash decisions when she felt like she could control the situation, but was that really the case here? Going into unknown territory, radio silent? Maxine wasn’t even a runner; she had very little field experience. When they got back, he –

“Sam? Sam, are you there?”

He scrambled back to the mic. “Five? Is that you? Oh my god, what the hell happened? Where have you been?”

“Switch me to a private channel a minute, ok?” He faintly heard her tell Sara she was going to run ahead.

“Ok, done, what happened? Wait, why don’t I hear Maxine? Is she –”

“She’s fine, Sam. Physically, anyway.” Sam heard her sigh. She sounded even more exhausted than usual, which was quite a feat lately. “There’s a lot to tell, and you’ll hear all of it. We’ll need to give Janine a full report when we get back.”

“What happened at Jeffro? Did New Canton blow them up? I picked something up on the radio about an explosion.”

“New Canton saved our lives, Sam. And you are not allowed to say ‘I told you so,’ not until we’re back inside the gates…but Whately was a traitor. He lured us there on Van Ark’s orders so he could capture Maxine. New Canton’s runners saved us.”

Sam blanched. “Van Ark? But he’s…he’s dead. You saw him get bitten!”

“He’s not. We don’t know exactly how, but the bite on his arm was fully healed. He’s alive, and he’s working out of Jeffro, or was, on god knows what, something with plasmapheresis machines…” She sighed again. “There is a lot more going on here than we think.”

“Healed?? He had a _healed_ bite wound? Like he’s immune or something? That’s not possible. I mean, not here. You ever see anything like that back in the states?”

She didn’t answer that. “There’s more. At the complex…there was some automated process going on and…it was Paula’s voice giving the commands. It was a recording, but still. It could’ve been recent.”

Sam’s heart sank. “Oh god. So Van Ark is up to something nefarious and Paula is working with him? Or was? Oh god. Poor Maxine. How is she?”

“In shock I think. She’s been quiet on our way back. We’re only about 10K from Abel now, it’s as far as our short-term New Canton friends could bring us. We shouldn’t be more than an hour. Can you make sure Janine is standing by? She’ll need to hear all of this.”

\- - - - - - -

“Five….Five… _Johanna, wake up.”_

Jo woke with a start. Sam caught her shoulders. “Shhh, sorry, sorry, it’s just me.”

She blinked in the darkness. “Sam, what’s wrong, what happened?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing,” he whispered. “I just, uhh…”

He looked spooked. Jo sighed. “You were reading _The Road_ again.”

“Yeah, I was,” he said sheepishly. “I needed something to distract me while you and Eight and Maxine had your radios off. And…well, Maxine said I shouldn’t wake her anymore, and…I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have bothered you, I’ll just go.”

“No, no, it’s ok,” she said, sitting up, rubbing her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

He sat down on the edge of her bunk. “You know that one part of the book that’s like, really, _really_ upsetting? The part that’s just extra dark, even for McCarthy?”

“The kid finding a dead baby over a fire?”

“That’s the one.”

“Ugh.” She shivered. “I had to put the book down for a full 48 hours after that page.”

“Sooo, yeah. You can understand why I didn’t exactly feel like sleeping yet.”

“Yeah. You wanna talk about it?”

“I mean, not about _that_ , but…” He searched for another topic. “Did you really meet a group of cannibals?”

Jo rolled her eyes. “I really shouldn’t have told you that. But…yes, I did. Only one group, and we killed them, so…that all worked out I guess.”

“But they…ate someone’s leg?”

“I also shouldn’t have said that. But…yeah. His name was Bob. He was a good guy. Joke was on them, though, he was bitten when they grabbed him. Tainted meat.” She watched Sam’s eyes widen, word-vomit horror stories spilling from her mouth. “Oh my god, pretend I didn’t say that, I don’t know why I said that.”

Sam shuddered. “God, that’s terrifying.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, ignore me, I’m just tired.”

“Yeah, of course you are. I’m sorry, Jo, I really shouldn’t have bothered you, you had a long day. I should let you get back to sleep.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I’ll just go back to my room. Which is in a different building…which means I have to go outside…in the dark…”

Jo sighed. “Well, we can’t have that.” She pulled the covers back and shifted to the far side of the small bed. “Come on, you can sleep here.”

Sam’s eyebrows shot up. “Are…are you sure? I mean, I wasn’t trying to –”

“I’m sure, Sam. You need to sleep, you look exhausted. And that is partially my fault for turning off my radio today. Just sleep here.”

He looked like he was going to argue again, but then thought better of it. Cheeks pink, he climbed into the bed next to her, so nervous she could feel it. He hugged the edge of the bed, which was hardly conducive to restful sleep. He looked completely worn out. She draped an arm around his waist to gently rub his back, which relaxed him, if barely.

“Listen,” he said. “I’m really, _really_ glad you three are ok, but please don’t ever do that to me again.”

She knew it wasn’t actually the book that had him so upset. “I know. I’m sorry.” She could see him trying to stay awake, heavy lids blinking. “Go to sleep, Sam,” she whispered. His eyes drifted shut. Within a couple of minutes, she felt his breathing even out.

Jo studied his sleeping face. She didn’t often to get look at him uninterrupted like this. He was usually quick to blush or turn away if she stared for too long. She took in the soft curve of his lips, the gradient of his cheekbones, the soft smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose. He really was beautiful, probably far more than he realized. She brushed a lock of hair off of his forehead.

She hadn’t meant to get this close to anyone in Abel. Connection, sure, but not a bond like this. She hadn’t really been given a choice with Sam; he’d seamlessly integrated into her life until she couldn’t imagine _not_ having him around.

_Oh, Johanna,_ she silently chastised herself, _what the hell are you doing?_

\- - - - - - -

Sam woke before the sun. It took him a minute to remember where he was. They’d shifted closer in the night; Jo’s face was barely an inch from his, and one of her legs had slipped between his. Her arm was still around his waist.

He closed his eyes, taking a minute to enjoy this closeness. He couldn’t stay much longer – he didn’t want to deal with any of the other runners finding him here – but he couldn’t imagine getting this chance again.

Jo stirred, but her eyes stayed closed. He lightly traced the scar on her jaw. She hadn’t told him how she’d gotten that one – he imagined it wasn’t a pretty story.

Sam couldn’t always reconcile the pain he knew she’d experienced with the woman in front of him – the fierce but kind protector, the one who charged into danger to help others, who let a friend sleep in her bed rather than abandon him to nightmares. Pain could harden a person. It hadn’t done that to her, not completely. He saw it sometimes, but it was always balanced with moments like this.

Jody snored just then, reminding him where he was. It was time to leave. He begrudgingly untangled himself from Jo’s embrace, gently touching her face one last time. It looked like all three of her roommates were still asleep, even Runner Eight, which was a relief. He glanced back at Jo’s sleeping form, a rare calm on her face.

His conversation with Maxine swirled in his head as he made his way back to his own quarters. He was starting to suspect Maxine was wrong about his crush; he had a feeling it was much, much worse than that.

_Sam, you idiot,_ he thought to himself. _Not again_.


	16. Blood on Your Knees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for S1M20. Content warning for Jo having a trauma spiral. This is what happens when you don't deal with your shit, Johanna...
> 
> I also spoil the end of The Road. If you want to avoid that, skip the two lines after Jo says "Should I just tell you how it ends so you can stop torturing yourself?”

_And I spit on the pavement and stuck to the wheat,  
_ _And choked on the ruthlessness inside of me.  
_ _Oh it’s just blood on your knees, blood on your knees._

_Oh now ain't the time to die.  
_ _Quit wallowing, wasting, wondering ‘why me?’  
_ _And just pick up your feet._

 _Oh baby, are you feeling sorry for yourself?_  
_Are you mad that you got dirty?  
_ _Are you blaming someone else?_

[ _Blood on Your Knees – Suzanne Santo_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NJb8O34KSA)

_New Canton_.

It was all anyone had been talking about since Five and Eight returned from their run. Abel had no more than 24 hours before the neighboring settlement attacked. The air was an electric current, precarious and agitated. Janine had torn through the Township, scattering its residents to assignments. A group of volunteers was shoring up the fence, reinforcing the weakest spots. Maxine was locking down her more valuable medical supplies. Janine and Runner Eight had vanished into the armory. Evan had gathered all of the other runners, briefing them on their assignments for tomorrow.

All of the other runners, that was, except Five. But of course, she already had her orders.

Jo had looked shaken when she returned her headset, not dissimilar from the day she’d returned to her helo, but Sam hadn’t been able to ask why; Sara had whisked her to Janine’s office before he got the chance. From there, things had only gotten worse.

No one who’d been in the room was talking, but Runner Three had happened by at the right moment, and the story spread like wildfire. Apparently, Five had gotten so agitated Seven had ordered her to take a walk. Gossiping about Five telling Janine to go fuck herself was as good a distraction from the impending danger as any.

Sam had seen her storm out of the farmhouse, the door opening with a bang. He’d wanted to go after her, but Maxine held him back when Eight appeared behind her. Probably better to let the senior runner handle this. Whatever the orders were, Jo clearly objected.

Sam knew Jo well enough to know that if she objected to her orders, one of two things was true: either they weren’t good orders, or they’d tapped into something from her past. She’d still told him precious little about how she’d survived these past few years, but she’d alluded to enough. He knew her well of pain ran deeper than most.

He fidgeted in his seat. He couldn’t focus on his own assignment, keeping his ear on the radio to see what else he could pick up. It was useless anyway; he couldn’t get into New Canton’s comms without their headset in the field. Janine knew that. He figured she was just trying to keep him out of the way. His eyes kept darting to the door, hoping to see Jo coming through it. He was worried about her. He’d seen her mad before, but never with the fury that had been carved into every inch of her when she left Janine’s house.

Nothing but static on the radio. He took off his headset, tossing it to the desk. This was pointless. He had to find Johanna.

\- - - - - - -

Jo hurled the boxing gloves to the ground. It was useless trying to channel her energy this way; she was still so angry her hands were shaking. She slid to the ground, back against the fence.

Three months. She’d managed to make it three months without completely losing her shit. Nightmares here and there, a panic attack or two, occasional flashes of aggression when she was threatened (most notably when she’d tackled Van Ark for shooting her). Beyond that, Abel made it easy to get back to her old self instead of the machine that was always on guard, quick to strike. She’d been a fool to think she could keep the other part of her tamped down for long. Good times, even less-bad times, didn’t last. She knew damn well it was always only a matter of time before the world would demand you be something else. She’d felt it clawing its way out, just waiting for the right time to burst forth. Today, it had.

No one had followed after her explosion in the farmhouse except Sara, the ever-diligent soldier, making sure orders would be followed. Jo was grateful for that. She was scared and angry, and that always made her mean. Sara could take it. No one else should have to.

_“You know, I spoke to a few friends from Mullins about you,” Sara had said. “The woman they described doesn’t sound much like the one I know. You want to know what I think?”_

_“Bet I’m going to find out either way.”_

_“I think you’re massively traumatized and decided to talk yourself out of it when you got here, like none of it exists inside Abel’s gates. You tried to discard it all too fast. And here you are, going to pieces. Because the old you is still in there. It’s just going to keep forcing its way out if you don’t deal with it.”_

_She’d laughed at that, a cruel, humorless bark. “This from the woman who talks about killing her own children like it was nothing. Yeah, you’ve clearly dealt with all your own shit.”_

_“Oh, you are good at deflecting, aren’t you? That way no one gets too close.”_

_“Fuck you,” she’d spat back. “You don’t know anything_.”

_“Push me away all you want, girl. But you can’t go on like this. You can’t lose your shit at the first sign of trouble. And you will do what you’re told.”_

It wasn’t a proud moment; she didn’t want to admit she was only defensive because she knew Sara was right.

New Canton was poised to attack within the next 24 hours. Like it or not, she was going to carry out her orders in the morning. She was going to go out wearing the New Canton headset and trick a grieving woman into thinking someone she loved was still alive.

She felt like she was going to be sick.

New Canton was the enemy; they’d hurt the people she cared about given the chance. But the operator was still a human being, wasn’t she? She was following orders, same as them, and she’d suffered losses, same as them. The optimism in her voice had been devastating, such a stark contrast from her desperate heartbreak the day Lem died. Jo had wanted nothing more than to rip the extra wires from her headset and never listen in to New Canton’s broadcasts ever again. Instead, they were weaponizing the woman’s hope. Tactically, it was sound. Morally? Jo wasn’t sure she could bear it.

That relentless nagging in your mind after tragedy without closure could drive a person crazy; it was one of her last memories back in the states, trying to make sense of the devastation that had ripped her community apart.

There had never been a body. The three of them were out there every day for months, his assumed sister, his wife, and his best friend, desperate for something conclusive. At a certain point, it stopped mattering whether their friend was alive or dead; they just wanted an answer, something final. It was the last thing that gave her any meaning after everyone else had decided they were done with her.

_How long until that happens here? These are good people. How long can they possibly want you?_

She drove her palms into her eyes, blocking out the setting sun. She knew she should go back to her quarters and at least feign sleep so her roommates didn’t have to deal with her. These lovely humans would figure out that she didn’t deserve them soon enough; no reason to hurry the process along.

“Five? You ok?”

Jo’s heart dropped. _Go away, Sam. Save yourself. You shouldn’t be here_.

“Not a good time, Sam.” _Please walk away before I say something I don’t mean_.

“Yeah, I know you didn’t have a good day. But I was worried about you, thought you might want to talk about it.”

The words left her before she had time to temper them. “Sam, I do not have the energy for your particular brand of relentless bullshit optimism right now, ok? Just leave me alone.”

And there it was. He’d walk away from her now, shaking his head, wondering why he even bothered. Chasing people away was what she was best at after all. Maybe it was in his best interest to like her less.

Sam did the last thing Jo expected. He didn’t leave. Instead, he sat down next to her.

“Yeah…you’re clearly going through something. And I’d be a shit friend to leave you like this. So I’m just going to sit here.”

Jo couldn’t find her voice for a minute. He was staying? No one stayed.

“I’m not good company.”

“Doesn’t matter. I’m not here for the company.”

They sat in silence as the night stretched over the setting sun.

“They want me to trick Nadia into thinking Lem is alive.”

“Oh…that’s…I mean, it’s probably effective, but…”

“It’s cruel.” Jo burst into tears. Sam didn’t say anything, just wrapped an arm around her. She turned her face so it was buried against his shoulder.

Sam rested his head against hers. “I’m sorry. None of this is fair.”

She shook her head against his shoulder. In a tiny voice, so small she wasn’t sure she’d spoken, she said, “I’ve hurt enough people.”

“Jo…”

“No, Sam, you don’t understand. It’s what I do, it’s…it’s _all_ I do.” She choked back another sob. “I have done _awful_ things, and I’m sick of it.”

He tightened his arm around her shoulders. “You’ve done what you had to, Johanna,” he said softly.

She sniffed. “What?”

“It’s like you said. The ‘why’ is always the same, right? Because you had to? You’ve done what you had to do to stay alive, and that is a _good_ thing. If it kept you alive, maybe it wasn’t ok, but it was worth it. And I will not have you saying that all you do is hurt people. That is just not true. Just look at the people here! Look at…” He hesitated. “Well, look at me. Things were pretty damn dark for me when you first got here. And they’re not that now. I like things better with you around. I think everyone does.”

His words went straight to her heart, the pieces of it that were still so unsure, still so full of shame and regret. He was wrong, of course. She wasn’t sure there was a way to come back from everything she’d done. But if he could believe she was good, maybe she could too, if only for a little while.

She wrapped her arms around Sam’s waist. “Thank god for you.”

“I could say the same thing about you.”

“Yeah, but you probably shouldn’t.”

“Stop it.”

The tears took some of the pressure off, like a release valve. Combined with Sam’s unwavering kindness, she felt something close to renewed. She wasn’t any happier with her orders, but they no longer felt impossible. She’d dealt with her feelings about them instead of shoving them down. Damnit, Sara was right.

She straightened, wiping her cheeks. “This is what keeps Abel safe, though. That’s my job. And I am good at my job.”

“One of the best,” Sam agreed. He helped her to her feet. “You need to get something to eat?”

She shook her head. “I should get some sleep. It’ll be an early start tomorrow.”

“You sure you’re ok?”

Jo nodded. “As ok as I’m going to be. Thank you, Sam. I’m sorry I just…fell apart on you.”

“Oh, please, don’t be sorry. That’s what you do when you care about someone, right? Take care of them? Just like you take care of your idiot friend who’s too stubborn to stop reading a book he knows is going to give him nightmares?”

She laughed for the first time in hours. “Oh, god. Should I just tell you how it ends so you can stop torturing yourself?”

“You probably should, yeah.”

“The father dies, and the boy is picked up by another family. It’s up to the reader to decide if that really was a safe family or people who are going to hurt him.”

“Hm,” Sam said, thoughtful. “I’m going to believe the best I think.”

She smiled, also for the first time in hours. “You always do. That’s why we need you.”

Jo made her way back to the dorms, suddenly exhausted. Jody and Maggie enveloped her in a hug as soon as she got in. Tears threatened again. “Seven briefed us on the plan for tomorrow,” Jody said. “I’m sorry.”

“Everything about this sucks,” Maggie added. “We shouldn’t have to fight New Canton, and we shouldn’t have to trick some woman into thinking her boyfriend is alive. I mean, we’re all human, right? Shouldn’t we be on the same side? I hate this.”

“It’s not our job to like our orders,” Sara said, appearing in the doorway behind them. “It’s our job to follow them.” She crossed to the trio, handing Jo a bag from the cafeteria. “And you should eat something.”

Jo felt a fresh rush of shame for how she treated her. Sara, who, however contrary and blunt, always looked out for her, even now, when she had no reason to.

Sleep didn’t come easily that night. Jody and Maggie drifted off quickly, but Jo stared up at the bottom of Sara’s mattress for what felt like hours.

The other woman’s voice cut through the darkness. “You’re not sleeping either, are you?”

 _How did she do that?_ “No, I’m not.”

“Figures.”

Jo forced words around the lump in her throat. “Listen, Sara…about what I said…”

“No need for that, Five. It’s forgotten.” She sighed, sounding wearier than she usually let anyone see. “Tomorrow will be hard enough on its own; no use beating yourself up over today.”


	17. The Cave IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers through S1M22. Content warning for canon character death and general end-of-season-one violence and chaos.

_So tie me to a post and block my ears,  
_ _I can see widows and orphans through my tears._  
_I know my call despite my faults  
_ _And despite my growing fears_

[ _The Cave – Mumford and Sons_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNy8llTLvuA)

The Township was a sight to behold in the pre-dawn calm. Light was just starting to crest the horizon, turning the fog that had settled around the buildings and across the training grounds into an iridescent glow. The spring days were growing warmer and longer, but the sunless hours still left a damp chill behind. Sam was grateful he’d thought to grab his hoodie before leaving his bunk. The orange wasn’t quite as warm as the black one Jo had stolen, but he’d much rather she had it anyway.

He was hardly the early to bed, early to rise type. It was rare enough he saw a sunrise, let alone the light that preceded it, but there was no chance of sleeping in today. He’d lain awake, wracked with anxiety for hours. He’d been surprised to blink his eyes open this morning; until then, he wasn’t sure he was going to get any sleep at all.

He unlocked the comms shack, grateful he’d finally convinced Janine he should have his own key, the familiar sight and smell of his work station bringing him some manner of comfort.

He was consumed with worry, for himself, for the runners, and for the Township. He was worried about intentionally sending his runners into danger. He was worried about what happened if their plan didn’t work, if New Canton really just sought to raid them or to do worse. He was worried about what happened if he failed.

Most of all, he was worried about Jo.

There was no telling when New Canton planned to attack, so the runners were heading out as soon as there was enough light. He wanted to make sure everything was in order well before that. He turned on his equipment, relieved as each piece beeped or lit up or otherwise indicated it was there with him. He double checked that each headset was hanging from the proper peg and tested each to make sure they were in good working order. He checked Three’s through Seven’s a second time, then Five’s a third. When he was absolutely certain hers wouldn’t fail, he returned it to its home and jotted something on a scrap of paper, folding it up and tucking it in one of the earpieces for her to find.

_You can do this_.

\- - - - - - -

Jo bounced on her toes, nervous energy coursing through her veins. She wished they would raise the damn gates already so she could run, burn off some of this adrenaline, before it took over her. She fingered the note in her pocket, sweat from her hands probably smearing the ink. It didn’t matter; she’d burned the four words scrawled in Sam’s familiar script into her mind, repeating them like a mantra.

_You can do this, you can do this, you can do this_.

Of course, that was part of the problem. If there was one thing she had absolute, unshakeable faith in, it was her ability to do terrible things. She’d done plenty of them in the past few years. And no matter how hard she tried to leave them behind, they were still a part of her. Abel was a fresh start, but it didn’t change the past. It didn’t erase all the pain. She saw that now. She’d lain awake for hours the previous night, wondering where she possibly went from here, how to reconcile the person she’d been, the one she could no longer ignore, with who she wanted to be now. When today was over, she and Sara were probably due for a good long chat.

She’d woken to a plate of food set on a chair by her bed, her pack already loaded up with the things she’d intended to grab before heading out, a hat and cloth mask sitting on top. A handy disguise in case New Canton got wise to their plan. Runner Eight was already long gone, always more of one for actions than words.

Today was going to suck. There was no way around that. But at the end of it, what she did would have made the people she cared about safer. That was all that mattered.

Four of those people counted off around her, her shields for the day, keeping her safe so she could in turn keep them safe. She wished Sara were among them, even if she was far more useful staying at the base on standby. A woman with her skills was an insurance policy, something to lean on if the worst should happen.

The gate siren blared, the others taunted Sam about his constant need to tell them to run, and they were off, moving as a pack until they were the agreed upon distance from the Township.

“Three, you heading down east with the noisemakers?” Evan asked.

“You know me, Seven,” Simon replied, clicking on his noisemaker, “I love to be chased.”

Maggie rolled her eyes. “Steady there, Three.”

They split up, Simon to the east, Jody to the north to serve as Sam’s lookout while Janine desperately tried to bring their cameras back online.

“Okay, Seven,” Maggie said, “You and me are with Runner Five, correct?”

“Absolutely, Six,” the Head of Runners replied. “Here we are – Five, Six, Seven.”

“All we need is Eight and we could start a dance class. You get it? Five, six, seven, eight?” She playfully hip-checked Jo, no doubt picking up on her friend’s edgy mood. She smiled back at her; you could always count on Maggie for a moment of levity.

Static overtook the headset, Nadia’s voice seeping through, also bemoaning her lack of cameras. That was troubling. The assumption was that New Canton had somehow cut off Abel’s feeds. But if theirs were down as well?

There was no time for worrying about that as they spotted ten New Canton runners heading in from the west, weapons and bolt cutters in hand. She skirted around the edge of the woods with Maggie and Evan, staying out of sight of scouts with binoculars. It didn’t take long for the plan to start working.

“Wait, I see him!” Nadia crowed. “There’s his tracker! Goddammit, why aren’t these cameras working? Look, there’s Lem, Runner 38!”

Jo bit back the wave of guilt, forcing herself to recall the size of the guns the runners heading towards Abel had been carrying. Better for one woman to get hurt than to let them take down everything she knew.

Nadia redirected “Lem” towards a ridge; she, Maggie, and Evan did what they were told.

“Oh my god! Look! He’s moving! He’s changing course! It’s not a zom, it’s Lem! It’s Lem! Guys, Lem is out there!” Her joy was hard to take; Jo forced herself to breathe deeply through it. Nadia reminded her of her first run into Abel, the relief in Sam’s voice as she’d followed his instructions and he’d realized she could hear him.

_That’s why you’re doing this_ , she reminded herself. _For Sam, for Maxine, for Sara, for the rest of the runners, for everyone you care about_.

Nadia redirected four of her runners towards the signal, away from Abel.

“It’s working, Sam!” Evan exclaimed. “It’s working!”

The trio evaded the runners with relative ease, picking up more until only ten were still heading towards their home. Ten might still be more than they could handle, but it was a damn sight better than their full corps. Evan started leading them down towards Linland Lake when Nadia’s panicked voice cut through the headset.

“Yes, I see that. Yes! Raiding party runners – abort, abort, abort! I repeat, abort the mission! Come on home, _now_. Right now! Don’t argue! Council orders! Abort, now! No, stop searching for Lem. If he’s out there, well…we’ll find him another day.”

Jo felt a chill go through her. They were aborting the mission, Nadia willingly leaving Lem behind? That couldn’t mean good things for them. She shared an uneasy glance with Maggie and Evan as Sam celebrated their supposed victory. That came to an end as Janine boosted a transmission from Jody.

“Abel Township, can you hear me, Abel Township??” Jody was easily spooked, but Jo had never heard her with such visceral fear in her voice. “Come in, Sam, please! Just please say you can hear me! They’re heading for you, Sam! From the north! There must be at least three hundred, and they’re just…I’ve never seen zoms look so purposeful! Abel Township, there’s an army of zombies heading for your position, Abel Township, I –” The transmission cut off with a scream.

The sound hardened her, driving out the last of her unease. It was all gone then, the fear over New Canton, Nadia’s heartbreak, her own battle with her past. None of it mattered anymore; what mattered was keeping her home safe. She pulled down the cloth mask and took a deep breath. She knew how to do this.

The trio changed direction without a word, all heading north of the base, towards Four’s last known position. New Canton wasn’t the threat anymore. And good god, what had happened to Jody?

Jo had to remind herself to keep running and not double over with relief as her friend’s voice came back through the headset.

“Four, is that you?” Sam said. “You still alive?”

“Just about, Sam! I’m managing to outpace the zombie horde, but there are so many! And they’re heading right for the base!”

Jody’s panic was palpable, Evan trying to talk her down, reminding her they were all strong runners with miles left in them. He was right; if anyone could do this, it was them. All they needed now…

Sam dispatched “the fastest runner in the place” to bring them noisemakers. Another sigh of relief. She’d be a sight for sore eyes indeed.

“Okay, that’s the plan,” Evan said, briefly stopping to regroup. “We head towards the zoms now. Sam’s runner intercepts with the noisemakers, and then we head off in different directions leading them away from the base. Three, you’re heading towards Digitisde Park. You should be able to get up on top of the pavilion there.”

Simon headed off.

“Okay, Five, you’ll head towards the gorge. Should be able to get a few of them to fall right in.” Jo nodded. “Six, you can fly a helo, right?”

“Yeah. You want me to head to…?”

“Camino Memorial Airfield. It’s quite a run – eighteen miles. But they have helicopters up there in good working order. You’ll be able to get back eventually. They might have use for you there, for a while.”

Maggie grinned. “I was thinking I wanted a holiday.” She squeezed Jo’s hand and took off.

“I can see them, on the horizon!” Jody squeaked. “Just a wall of them! Just a gray, shambling wall of people!”

“They’re not people anymore,” Evan reminded her. “They’re the things that killed those people. Just remember that.”

A familiar voice cut through the din, high-spirited and sure as ever. “Hey there, it’s me! Good old Runner Eight! Now, who wants a noisemaker?”

“I have literally never been so happy to see you,” Jo said, gratefully taking the equipment. It was the first time she’d spoken all day. Any lingering misgivings evaporated when Sara arrived, joining her as she ran towards the gorge. Nothing was a guarantee; there was still a chance people would die today. But her and Sara? They were going to be okay.

The six runners headed in five different directions, leading packs away from the base, just as planned. They were coming from Red Settlement, another settlement to the north, one New Canton was supposed to protect. Jo grit her teeth and kept running. Lives were depending on them. No time to rage about their neighbors now.

“Seven here, checking in. I’m holding steady, making my way towards the steps at Minkley Park. Zoms are no good at steps, and there’s a flight of about two hundred there. Should hold them for a while.”

Jo pulled her headset away from her ears as Simon whooped in some imitation of a cowboy driving cattle. One thing you could say about Simon: he was consistent.

“Six here, just checking in! Me and Four are making good time.”

“We’re going to live!” Jody said. Jo wished she wouldn’t tempt fate.

“That we are, Four, that we are. We’re just heading up the high street now towards open country.”

“Wait!” Jody exclaimed. “There’s a pack coming from the left! Run!”

“Oh no, not the kids!” Maggie moaned, “I hate the kids, they’re just so –” Her tone changed, horror shifting to terror. “Ah! Get off me! Get off, get off!” She screamed. Static replaced the transmission.

“They got Six!” Jody wailed. “Oh God, they…they’ve bitten Six! Six is down, Six is down!”

“Oh Jesus,” Sara muttered, “Not Six.”

A low buzz filled Jo’s ears. She had forgotten how quickly it happened, how fast you could lose someone. There was no warning, no time to prepare, even the constant threat of death wasn’t enough to ready you for the moment you heard your friends die. It happened in an instant – her easy laugh, quick wit, unmatched eyeroll, everything Maggie was, gone in an instant.

Her pace stopped matching Eight’s for a moment, and Sara seized her by the arm. “Come on, Five. We mourn later.”

\- - - - - - -

Four runners in as many months. And the day wasn’t over yet. Janine pinched the bridge of her nose.

“It’s okay, it’s…okay,” Sam said, not quite sounding like he believed his own words. “Runners Five and Eight, you’re doing great.”

He was correct; Five and Eight were as good a team as she’d seen in her time leading Abel Township. Five was the first runner she’d seen who could keep up with Sara for longer than a few minutes. Their paces, their forms, even the looks on their faces, were often identical. They were as evenly matched as two runners could be.

It had been so like Sara to turn on a dime like that, berating Janine for letting Five carry a weapon one day then insisting on her absolute trustworthiness the next. The shift in their dynamic had left Janine a bit dizzy, and she couldn’t imagine what it had done to Five.

Today, however, she was grateful for their partnership, the way they moved like a well-oiled machine. The fate of Abel Township was in their hands, and not only today. She was grateful to have the pair to lean on, even if she couldn’t say it.

Five and Eight reached the high ground, Sara scouting since the damned cameras were still not up. Five was abnormally quiet. Janine stood back and let Mr. Yao handle his own comms, trying to stack all of the information in the proper order in her mind.

“Well, let’s see…” Sara began, peering through the binoculars Sam had suggested she bring. Once in a while, he really did have good ideas. “Runner Four’s doing okay, holding pace. Runner Three…ha, I can see him on top of the pavilion. Hey there, Runner Three! About forty zoms trying to get up at him, and totally failing.” Janine resented the flicker of relief that went through her when she heard Simon was safe.

“Only a small group of zoms left advancing on the township, Sam,” Sara continued. “Although…”

“Although?”

“That’s can’t be!”

“You’re making me nervous, here, Eight!”

“Sam, I know this sounds crazy, believe me, I absolutely know how it sounds, but that small group coming towards the base are…well, it looks like they’re carrying something!”

“Together? Zoms, working together? No, it’s just impossible.”

“Describe exactly what you’re seeing, Ms. Smith!” Janine cut in sharply. “Exactly!”

“There are ten zombies stumbling towards the base. They’re zoms, no doubt. One’s missing an arm, one’s got no jaw, there’s one with its eyeball hanging out on a bit of flesh like –”

Sam cut her off, disgusted. “Ugh, okay, you can describe it a little less exactly, in fact.”

That boy really did need a stronger stomach.

“Five, take a look here,” Sara said, presumably handing off the binoculars. “That’s what I think it is, isn’t it? I’m not imagining what they’re carrying.”

“Holy shit,” Five breathed, a note Janine didn’t recognize in her voice.

It was fear.

“What?? What are they carrying Ms. Smith?”

“Runner Five here agrees. They’ve got a rocket launcher! I guess we know who left that out in the wilderness.”

Sam began to answer her when an explosion rocked the shack. It hadn’t hit them directly, but it was close. Comms were dead, only static coming through from the headsets. They heard a second explosion, further away this time.

Janine shook her head, trying to make sense of the sequence of events. Sara had seen a zombie with a rocket launcher, and now her township was burning.

What the hell had just happened?

\- - - - - - -

Sara stood slowly, assessing the damage. She appeared to be unharmed, though her ears were ringing with the force of the explosion. She tried to call Janine and Sam on the radio and was greeted by static in return. Abel was a mass of black smoke in the distance. She spotted a crawler in the grass near them; it hadn’t touched her, but it was the cover she needed. She put her boot through its head then scanned the grass for Five.

The girl was face down, unmoving. “Oh, Jesus,” Sara muttered, running towards her, skidding to a stop on her knees. She turned her over; she was limp, blood streaming from under her hairline. Sara pressed two fingers against her neck and felt the sure pulse of life beneath. She put a hand under her nose and felt her warm breath. Still breathing. “That’s my Five,” she said, checking under her clothes for the telltale signs of a bite. She found nothing.

The dead were closing on them, and Sara couldn’t stay. This was the plan. These were her orders. But she couldn’t leave Five behind. She shook her roughly. “Five! Five, wake up! Come on, stand up!” Five groaned, turning her face away. “Open your goddamn eyes, Five, you can’t stay here, and I can’t stay with you!”

Her green eyes finally fluttered open, looking lost. Sara pulled her to her feet. No time for coddling today. “That’s it, that’s good, stand up. You’ve got to be ready to run when they come. I’m going to lead the pack north.” Sara drew her gun and fired. “That’s right, over here!” she called to the shambling mass.

Five stared back at her dumbfounded. “Don’t worry,” Sara said with a smile, “I’ll save one bullet for myself if the time comes. There is a possibility I’ve been bitten,” she lied. “When the blast hit us, I fell over. There was a crawler in the long grass. I have a scrape on my ankle. I can’t know for sure, but I have to be safe and get clear of you and the Township. But I’ve checked you, you're clean.”

The girl’s mouth worked like she was trying to protest, but nothing came out. There was no time for this. “Here they come. Listen, Five – Abel might be gone. Their comms are silent. There was a zombie with a rocket launcher, and everything’s gone crazy! But if she’s still alive, tell Janine something. It’s important! Tell her that she was right.” Sara coughed against the smoke, pulling Five’s mask back over her face to protect her. “I’ve heard those tones every time, just before they attacked, just like we discussed. Tell her exactly that, okay?”

Five’s face was mostly obscured, but her eyes were dazed and starting to fill with tears, overtaken by the shock. “Hey! None of that. Not on this side of the gates, remember?” She set her hands on Five’s shoulders. “You were always a good runner, Five. Run, now! Don’t stop!” She pushed her away from the pack and took off in the opposite direction, drawing as much attention away from the girl as she could.

“Over here! Over here, you goddamn freaks!”

It gave her no pleasure to leave her partner behind, especially not when everything she knew might be gone. But she had her orders. It wasn’t her job to like them. It was her job to follow them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just two more chapters left! They're mostly written and should be up within the next few days. I cannot believe we're winding Part 1 of this series down already. Thanks for reading!


	18. Last Man Standing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers through the end of season one. Content warning for some minor detachment from reality.

_You found yourself a new sensation,  
_ _But baby, it’s a jungle out there;  
_ _The ones you counted on are all but gone,  
_ _Baby it’s a jungle out there._

_I am the last man stand survivor,  
_ _I’ll be the last man home._

[_Last Man Standing – People in Planes_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghRNzqmbLes)

Alone.

The forest was thick with smoke, clouds of it blocking the sun. Her ears were ringing, a dull ache creeping into her head; she shivered with the shock, trying to stave off the panic that was sure to break through.

She was alone.

She’d retreated to higher ground after Sara left her, trying to get a view of what was left of Abel. Billows of black smoke greeted her instead; the fire was still burning. Her fresh start. What was left of it now? She knew what New Canton had said, but she refused to believe it.

 _“They’re gone, guys. Something blew them up. They’re all gone_.”

All gone. She couldn’t fathom it. Presumably, Jody and Simon and Evan were still out there somewhere. But Maggie was dead. Unbreakable Sara wasn’t far behind her. And the others back at home? The rest of the runners? Janine? Ed and Molly? Maxine?

Sam?

_“There was a zombie with a rocket launcher, and everything’s gone crazy!”_

No matter how many times she repeated Sara’s words in her head, she couldn’t make real. She had a thought, not for the first time, that perhaps she was already dead. It was something she’d been exploring ever since she woke up at Mullins, whenever things started to feel too improbable. Those men who had burst into her cabin and hauled her away had killed her. That, or she’d never even made it to the cabin. She was near enough to the bridge when the explosion killed her friend. Perhaps it had killed her too.

Yes, that was the only explanation: she was dead, and this was purgatory. Not that she believed in purgatory. Not that she believed in anything but science.

Her father was technically Irish Catholic, her mother technically Jewish, Jo herself a practicing agnostic. Religions had too many answers, too many rules, too many gods, and none of it had ever done her a lick of good. It was better to accept that nothing could really be known than to try and force any of it to make sense. Science had answers. Science always made sense.

That is, until a deceased patient had come back to life in front of her and bitten her attending. What was there to believe in now?

Finding answers, at first, but Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs quickly dispatched that. Other people, maybe, but they were too easy to lose. Herself? It was a dark day if that was all she had.

It didn’t matter, though, because none of this was really happening. She was dead, and this was purgatory, a punishment for her many sins. Was purgatory a punishment? She wasn’t sure; she didn’t actually believe in purgatory, didn’t really believe in anything but –

She was thinking herself in circles.

She forced herself to keep moving, useless as it felt. What would she go back to now? Everything she knew in the whole damn country was in Abel Township. Would Mullins come back for her? She didn’t even know how to contact them, or who to contact if she did. She wasn’t even really sure where in England she was, or if this even was England or another part of the U.K. entirely.

And she didn’t want to go back to Mullins. She absently fingered a scar on her palm.

More than once, she caught herself looking over her shoulder for Sara. Sara always knew what to do, even when Jo didn’t. _Especially_ when Jo didn’t.

_“There’s a possibility I’ve been bitten.”_

Somehow, this was more impossible than a zombie with a rocket launcher. Sara Smith, Runner Eight, reliable soldier, consummate survivor, dispatched by a crawler? Jo felt a sharp pang in her chest, realizing all at once how strongly she’d come to rely on her partner. Runner bonds were forged by fire, and they were only broken by force. She took a deep breath; if she knew anything about Sara, it was that she wouldn’t want Jo getting lost in her head, not now.

A voice pulled her back to reality.

“Wait, are you seeing this guys?” It was Nadia, mistaking her signal for Lem’s again. She knew two things for sure: she had to keep moving, and she couldn’t head towards New Canton.

She decided to keep to the high ground where she could scope out their runners. Maybe she could spot Runner 20, the one who’d saved them at the Jeffro Complex. She’d been reasonable enough. She was still New Canton, but she’d helped Jo before.

“Okay, Runners 31 and 34, head towards Peacock Park. Lem’s not responding, but if you hurry, you can intercept him.”

 _Shit_.

She had to run, but how long would that work? Her signal was going to keep coming up on Nadia’s scanner as long as she was wearing that headset. Jo had no idea how to sever the New Canton equipment from Abel’s, and something kept her from throwing the whole thing away; if anyone was left, this was how they’d find her.

“Wait, he’s speeding up! Runner 45, head in from the left, down Scott Road. Runner 43, come in from the right, by Pewpid Hall. Come on, he’s getting quicker! Pincer attack! Whoever or whatever is wearing that beacon, we’re gonna get ‘em. Run!”

Jo sped up, weaving through the aforementioned park. There was enough cover to keep her out of sight here, but not for long. She needed a next step. Where was it Evan had been trying to lead her and Maggie?

_Maggie._

Jo blinked hard, heeding Sara’s words about what you can and can’t do on this side of the gates. She felt for her gun; it was still fully loaded, two extra clips in her pack. The last thing she wanted to do was use it, but she’d protect herself if necessary; she always had.

 _If it kept you alive, maybe it wasn’t ok, but it was worth it_.

Jo ducked behind a building as a pair of New Canton runners, armbands designating them 43 and 45, came into view. She didn’t know if they’d spotted her, and she had to figure out where she was running next.

“All runners in the area of Peacock Park, report! Do you have visual contact with Runner 38? Runner 45, report. What do you see?” Nadia stopped for a moment. “Oh.”

They’d seen her. Nadia asked them to confirm, but Jo was sure.

“Okay. I understand. Yes. All runners! The signal from Runner 38 is not Lem. Repeat: _not_ Lem. We think an Abel Township runner is wearing one of our headsets. Come back, guys. That Abel Township runner’s not worth risking your lives for.”

“Fuck you too,” Jo muttered. Her adrenaline effectively drove out her compassion for the operator. Maybe now they’d leave her alone so she could regroup.

“So, Not Runner 38, not Lem,” Nadia said. “I’ve switched to a private comms channel. It’s just you and me.”

No such luck.

“Not that you can talk back, but…I have to wonder who you are. I’m going to have to tell our people about you. I think they’ll be very interested to bring you in and talk to you.”

Jo needed an escape route. She tried to chart the position of the sun, but everything was too hazy, the smoke from Abel still obscuring the sky. What was she going to do? If Abel’s comms had fallen, she couldn’t get any of the others on the headset. She tried to remember the direction Simon had run in; if she could get through the swarm surrounding him…

“I’ve spoken to the council, Abel Township Runner. They want you to come in.” _Of course they do_. “I said, ‘Why would the Abel Township Runner trust us?’ and they said, ‘Well, Nadia, that Abel Township Runner has no choice. We’re the only safe haven within fifteen miles, and Abel Township is gone. Enormous explosion, no comms – gone. So that runner will have to come in to us eventually!’”

Nadia sounded like she was enjoying this, taunting her. She started to regret ever feeling empathy for the woman. Jo once again reached for her gun, and this time she drew it.

“Oh yes, I see you now on my cameras.”

Jo folded down her armband, hoping Nadia hadn’t yet caught her number. Eight’s hat and mask would do the rest.

She wasn’t about to let New Canton take her. She’d survived in these woods before. She could do it again. Evan and Simon and Jody were still out there. Eventually, she’d have to find someone.

“Abel Township runner, head straight on. You’ll be with us soon enough.”

“The hell I will,” Jo retorted. She thought about muting her radio, blocking out Nadia’s taunts when static overtook her. Through the muddled transmission, Jo picked out a beacon of a voice.

“No, it doesn’t work like that.”

Her heart leapt.

 _Sam_.

It was faint, but she’d know his voice anywhere. Sam was alive. He was alive and talking in that exasperated tone he reserved for Janine when she was touching the comms equipment. Did that mean Janine was alive too?

They weren’t all gone. If Sam and Janine had survived, there had to be others, right? There was something to go back to.

Unless she was hearing things. It wouldn’t be the first time. Jo shook off that thought; she needed something to believe in.

To hell with Nadia and New Canton and their council “ordering” her to come in. She had enough bullets to get herself through the remaining horde. If people were alive back at Abel, that’s where she was going. She didn’t care how long it took; she was going home.

Nadia continued ordering her runners about as the static grew. Her voice was getting more difficult to make out as Jo tried to discern which routes she should avoid.

“Huh? No, I don’t hear anything! Is there a problem with the transmission? Runner 22, can you tell me exactly what you’re hear –”

“This is a test.”

Jo came to an abrupt stop. _That was new_.

Apparently to Nadia too. “What was that?! Are you doing something Abel Township runner?” Jo looked towards what she thought was a camera, emphatically shaking her head. “Have you done something to my comms sys –”

“This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.”

“Did you hear that? No, I don’t know what it was! I don’t know who has the capacity to override my comms like that!”

Goosebumps prickled Jo’s skin. She could think of only one entity who could override the comms of a complex like New Canton. Static drowned out Nadia’s voice, and a new one took over:

“Runner Five, it’s Major De Santa. I’m back. You can stop running now.”

Jo almost collapsed in relief.

“We’ll have to close this channel for security reasons,” the Major continued, “But I’ve been in touch with the Permanent Advisory Council at New Canton. They’ve agreed to take in our survivors. We’ll be regrouping there. Head straight on.”

“Roger that, Major,” she said, more for the sake of normalcy than thinking anyone could hear her. She couldn’t be wearing this headset when she got to New Canton, but she knew where she was going now. She pulled it off at the base of a tree, flinging it to the highest branch she could reach, then turned back to the camera and snapped off an insolent salute to Nadia.

 _Not today, you New Canton bastards_.


	19. The Cave: Finale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for blood/injury and a nightmare

_So make your siren’s call and sing all you want;  
_ _I will not hear what you have to say,_  
 _Cause I need freedom now  
_ _And I need to know how to live my life as it’s meant to be._

[ _The Cave – Mumford and Sons_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNy8llTLvuA)

It didn’t take Jo long to find the train of Abel survivors heading towards New Canton. She spotted Cameo and Yang looking shaken but otherwise unharmed. She called their names, disguising herself in the pack of people, quickly stuffing her hat and mask in her pack.

“Five!” Cameo called back. “Oh my god, you’re alive!

“Holy shit, Five, you look terrible!” Yang added.

“Don’t be a dick, Yang, give her your water bottle.”

Jo took it gratefully, taking a long drink then using some to clean the dust from her eyes. She handed the bottle back to Yang and realized there were only two of them.

“Wait, where’s Kytan?”

“We don’t know,” Cameo said. “He was running lure and distract with Runner Two, but he hasn’t come back.”

They pressed on to New Canton, flashing their Abel armbands at the guard who gruffly greeted them.

They’d set up triage inside the courtyard, a cacophony of medical personnel and injured Abel residents, plus some New Canton runners who looked like they’d inhaled a bit of smoke. She spotted Ed clutching Molly across the way.

Jo grabbed the arm of a passing nurse. “What can I do?”

The woman shook her off. “Stay out of our way, Abel runner.”

Jo grabbed her again, “I’m a doctor, I want to help.”

This time she stopped, demeanor changing. “Uhh, over there, some lacerations need bandaging. Take these.” She thrust a pile of cloth bandages into her hands. Jo crossed to where the nurse had pointed, busying herself with the wounded until spots started to swim in front of her eyes.

Her ears were still ringing, the dull ache in her head growing to a steady thrum. It wasn’t panic she’d felt out in the woods.

She was hurt.

Her vision started to blur, knees going weak. She reached out for something to steady herself, but it was too late. Everything went dark.

\- - - - - - -

A crash across the courtyard got Sam’s attention. He’d been evac’d from Abel with Janine, the doctor, and the Major, so he’d been one of the first to arrive. He watched the steady stream of Abel refugees taking shelter inside New Canton’s walls, checking them off in his head. Simon and Evan would need rescue teams, but they were safe for now. Jody had gotten in about ten minutes after him. He hadn’t seen Five yet. The Major was fairly certain she’d heard them. She couldn’t answer an emergency broadcast, and the cams were still down, but her dot on the scanner had changed directions. He still couldn’t find her.

“What the hell was that?” one of New Canton’s medics said of the crash.

“Abel’s doctor collapsed,” another responded.

Sam’s head whipped around behind him, to where Maxine was finishing up bandaging Runner 17’s leg. She locked eyes with him; she’d heard it too. If Maxine was there, then they must’ve meant…

He was on his feet before the thought finished, Maxine close on his heels. They pushed through the crowd that formed. “Move!” Maxine ordered, “She’s one of ours!”

A wave crashed through him as throng parted, equal parts relief and alarm. Jo was unconscious on the ground. Her face was smeared with dirt and ash, blood drying from a wound under her hairline. Maxine seized her wrist, feeling for a pulse. “Oh, thank god,” she said, finding it. She turned to one of the nurses. “What the hell is she doing over here?”

“She said she was a doctor –”

“She _is_ a doctor, but look at her! She shouldn’t be giving medical care, she needs medical care! She was just in an explosion, what the hell are you people thinking??” Maxine peeled her eyelids back, shining a light in them. “Her pupils are different sizes, she’s concussed. I don’t want her out here, it’s too loud. Sam, help me get her to the hospital.”

Maxine helped him slide his arms behind Five’s shoulders and knees, getting her off the ground. She was featherlight, even as dead weight. He cradled her against his chest, following Maxine to New Canton’s proper hospital.

_She’s going to be okay. She has to be okay._

\- - - - - - -

Jo was in pain before she even opened her eyes, head full to bursting. Her throat was irritated and dry, her nasal passages stinging. She felt vaguely like she’d been run over. She heard voices around her, the familiar beeping of hospital equipment. Someone was holding her hand, gently running a thumb over her palm.

She blinked her eyes open, trying to force them to focus.

“Hey!” A familiar voice said softly. “There you are!”

A face came into view. “Sam!” she cried, sitting up too fast and flinging her arms around his neck. She immediately regretted the move as dizziness overtook her. “Whoa…”

“Yeah, easy there,” he said, gently helping her lay back down. “Maxine says you’ve got a concussion. She insisted on getting you this private bay to keep you away from the noise.”

A ripple of relief. “Maxine’s okay??”

He smiled. “Maxine’s okay. And I’m okay. And you’re okay!” He cupped her cheek. “I was so worried about you.”

“Come on, Sam, you didn’t think you’d be rid of me that easily, did you?”

Sam laughed. “Well, of course not, but we couldn’t get you on comms, and I didn’t see you come in…I must’ve missed Runner Eight, too.”

_Runner Eight_. Jo remembered their last moments all at once. She shut her eyes. “Sara was bitten.”

“No…”

“Yeah, the blast knocked us down, and she had a scrape on her ankle. She wasn’t sure it was from a zom but she didn’t want to take any chances, so she left me…and she told me…” She tried to call Sara’s parting words back to mind. Her eyes sprang open. “Janine! I need Janine, is she –”

“Janine’s fine. Stubborn woman didn’t even want to leave Abel.”

Jo breathed a sigh of relief. “Good. I have to tell her something, something from Sara…”

The door opened just then. As if summoned, Janine entered with a uniformed woman who had to be Major De Santa. Sam leapt to his feet.

“At ease, Yao,” the Major said, a hint of amusement in her voice. Despite ostensibly stepping off of a helicopter not an hour ago, every inch of her appearance was neat, her uniform still freshly pressed. Her steel grey hair was gathered into a neat bun, which stood out against her olive skin. Nothing about her expression gave any indication of the chaos they were living through today. She was every inch the military commander Sara had always made her out to be.

“You must be Runner Five,” she said. Jo tried to sit up, but the Major put a hand on her shoulder to stop her. “There’s no need for that. I understand you’re injured. I think we can dispense with the formalities for the time being.” She took Sam’s seat. “I don’t wish to overwhelm you, but I’ve anticipated meeting you with some pleasure. I’ve heard a great deal about you and your contribution to the success of my township.”

_Her_ township. So there really was someone who outranked Janine. Whatever her intentions, Jo was overwhelmed. “Thank you, Major.”

“Runner Eight in particular speaks very highly of you. She rarely speaks highly of anyone.” Jo felt her face fall. “Ah. Bad news on that front I take it?”

“I don’t know for certain,” she replied. “Sara…Runner Eight, she thought she might’ve been bitten, so she drew the zoms off me. I don’t know what happened after that.”

“That sounds quite like her. Perhaps she’ll surprise us. She’s always been quite the survivor.” The Major stood. “In any case, I should let you rest. Dr. Myers is quite insistent about no one bothering her patients, no matter your military rank. We’ll talk soon.” There was a good humored twinkle in the woman’s eye. She was nothing like the higher-ups she’d known at Mullins, the men drunk on panic and power. Jo already liked her.

“Wait, Janine,” Jo said, “Sara wanted me to tell you something. She said…” Jo again closed her eyes, calling the words back to mind, “She said you were right. She heard the tones before they attacked, just like you discussed.”

Janine, whose face had gone slack at the mention of Sara’s fate, nodded, reshaping her features into military precision. “Thank you, Runner Five. Get some rest.”

Jo tried to sit up after the two women left. “I should be doing something.”

Sam caught her arms. “ _You_ should be resting. Maxine was very clear that I’m not to let you leave this room until she’s taken a look at you awake. ‘Physically stop her if you have to,’ she said.”

Jo made a face, but she laid back down. “She thinks _you_ are going to physically stop _me_?”

“Yeah, that’s what I said. She said maybe with the concussion you’d be weaker, but I know better.”

“So what’s your plan then?”

“Honestly, I was just hoping you’d take pity on me.”

Lucky for Sam, Maxine wasn’t too much longer.

“Oh my god, is it good to see you awake!” Maxine said, leaning down to gently hug her.

Jo returned the gesture, hoping her affection was clear even if her arms were weak. “It’s good to see you at all, Max. Seriously, I thought you were all dead.”

The exam didn’t take long. “Yep, just like I thought. You definitely have a concussion, and you are definitely spending at least the night here. Don’t bother arguing with me.”

Jo shook her head gingerly, trying not to further enrage her throbbing skull. Her eyelids were getting so heavy. “Not this time, Maxine. Am I allowed to sleep?”

“You’re awake and holding a conversation, and your pupils are back to normal, so yes, you can get some sleep. I have some other patients to check on, but Sam, you stick around and keep an eye on her, okay?”

“Are you kidding me, Maxine?” he replied. “Not even you could get me to leave her, not after today.”

\- - - - - - -

Jo was asleep pretty soon after Maxine left them. A nurse woke her once, insisting she eat, despite Sam’s protests. She only had a few bites and left the rest for Sam so she could go back to sleep.

He kept a watchful eye on her, but not because Maxine had told him to. He’d thought he’d lost her today; now he couldn’t bear to have her out of his sight. He lightly ran a hand over her hair, finger-combing a knot he found near her collarbone.

The time elapsed between the rockets hitting Abel and the Major’s arrival couldn’t have been more than half an hour, but Sam had spent every second sick. When it was clear the comms were down, he’d left Janine to try and bring them back online, sprinting to the hospital with his headset still on. The whole of the Township was encased in thick smoke, the worst of it coming from the dorms behind the armory. Once he was certain Maxine was safe, he’d turned his attention back to the runners in the field. Damn near the whole corps had been out running lure and distract; by the time he and Maxine had found Five, fewer than half were accounted for, and they weren’t the only ones missing.

Sam buried his face in his hands. He tried to stay awake, but as the sunlight stopped coming in through the window, sleep became harder to fight.

He slept, but he didn’t rest. The noise of the hospital machinery wove into his dreams, becoming the sounds of the Robinson Hospital. He could hear the dead closing in; there were too many of them. They were everywhere. He couldn’t steer her out of their path.

_There has to be a way_.

A scream ripped through the headset. No, no! This couldn’t be the end!

“Sam.”

_It’s too late, Sam._

“Sam!”

_It can’t be too late, I have to do something!_

“SAM!”

Jo finally shook him awake. His heart was pounding, sweat sticking his shirt to his skin. “Hey, it was just a dream, you’re okay.”

Sam exhaled, rubbing his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Jo, I didn’t mean to wake you.” He stopped and looked at her. “Wait, should you be sitting up?”

“I’m fine, my head feels a lot better. But you…Sam, you’re really pale.” She brushed a stray lock of hair out of his eyes. “Do you want to talk about it?”

In truth, he did. The relief at waking up to see her face had struck him to his core. But it had already been such a hard day; did he really want to upset her more than she’d already been? He met her eyes and relented.

“I’ve been having this recurring nightmare since…since Alice died. Every time, I replay the mission that got her killed exactly, from the moment she left the gates to the moment she was bitten. I’ve had it dozens of times. Except this time…this time it wasn’t Alice. It was you.”

“Oh, Sam…” she said. “I’m sorry. But I’m right here. I’m fine. I beat a rocket launcher. _Again_.”

He laughed, reaching out to take her hand. “Yeah. Yeah, you are. I’m sorry, go back to sleep. I’ll try to keep it down this time.”

“I don’t know why you’re sleeping in a chair.”

“Seemed like a better option than the floor.”

“Okay, yeah, _or_ ,” she replied, scooting over to make room for him, “There is a bed.”

“Johanna, no, you have a concussion, and you need your rest –”

“ _Sam_ ,” she interrupted, not looking at him. “I lost two friends today. Are you really going to make me admit I’m not actually a stone cold bitch and need comfort too? Come here.”

He was helpless against that. “Well, when you put it that way. Shove over, you.”

The bed was small, smaller even than her bunk back in Abel. He had no choice but to get very, very close to her, which Jo didn’t seem to mind at all. She wrapped her arms around his waist, weaving her legs through his, her face tucked against his chest. He felt her exhale, tense muscles relaxing in his embrace.

“You smell like smoke,” he teased.

“Shut up.”

\- - - - - - -

Maxine made her way back to the hospital to check on Jo just after sunrise. She found her tangled up with Sam, her head on his chest, both looking more peaceful than she’d ever seen.

The doctor rolled her eyes. “Oh, I am going to kill them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> END. OF. SEASON. ONE.
> 
> HUGE thanks to everyone who's followed along, commented, sent me messages, left kudos, or just read silently (although please say hi so I can thank you). Hearing you respond to this character whom I love so much and her story has filled my heart like I cannot even say. I am going to map out season 2 and will return to you soon.
> 
> Stay safe out there.


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